Insert Witty title here

Another week starts, unfortunately.

I really am sick and tired of feeling this way. But I also have no clue how to really combat and change anything. The only avenues I know of, all rely on outside influences to affect the change. If it's anything relating to money, there's nothing I can do without someone giving me a chance and promoting me, or finding a better paying job, or one with more hours each week. Which ain't as easy as that sounds.

Then there are the days when you just want to talk through shit, either because you get caught in that loop of despair, or just need some kind of sounding board. But those don't really exist for me. Most of the people I talk to, all have a kind of "genre" for lack of better term. People know me from certain things, so they only know x, y, or z about me. Few get to really know me well enough to get what my daily/weekly life can consist of. Some are work friends, and some are friends for a certain thing. Whether it be via a game, or through music, or wrestling. But the vast majority of friendships I've had, have always been superficial, some a little deeper, but still not that deep and meaningful.

While that may sound sad [it is] or harsh [it could be] it's my life's design. I had trusted too many wrong people with the keys to the kingdom early on, and to this day have the residual scarring left over. So I'm overly careful, especially in certain areas of my life.

The worst part is when I still pretend to have a deep, meaningful friendship with a person, but then you step back and notice it really isn't. Not that is necessarily bad, but it's bad when you desperately need someone to talk to, or talk you down. Then going to a person you think understands and will listen, and maybe offer that glimmer of hope to calm the anxiety... it just makes it worse.

At this point in my life, I really don't have any deep friendships. I thought I did, I really did. I'm not saying the friends I have are bad, we all serve our purposes, and not everything has to be on the inner most thoughts levels. But, my problem is, I don't have that one. I have one who, I think, tries. It comes off like it at least. Bless her, but, it's just not her job to keep me alive.

Everyone has their own shit. Whether it's work related, relationship, trust issues, money worries, etc. So I'm not one to tell anyone to neglect themselves to help me. But, I also know there are a few who would ask themselves why I didn't come to them for help, after it's over.

If we had that kind of friendship...

I have.

But here we are. I don't want this anymore. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I really don't. 

Another Reboot or The Beginning of the End

My on again, and off again relationship of blogging. Once, or twice a year won't do anymore. Looks like it's time to fire it up again.

Wish I really had anything to talk about, honestly. As life has shown, over and over again, people either don't care to engage, or, just wait until you shut up so they can talk. I'm sure that's not unique to any of us, but, sometimes you need to shut up and listen.

Life is still... life. Had a huge thing occur earlier this year. Not many know of it, and I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who knows all of the details. But, going through that showed me one thing I know I knew, but, was always able to kinda pretend.

No one really gives a shit.,

Not actively, at least.

I have a few friends from around the country, and they don't apply here, because there's only so much one can do from hundreds of miles away.

But, it's really shown me that I really don't have friends. There's.. shit, I think it's literally 1 person that I do anything with on any kind of regular outing. Even that is only movie trips. Which is fine, wish there were more movies, or I had more free cash to go to others, but it works.

But, beyond that, everyone is digital. That has really taken a severe toll on me recently. I hit up one person, trying to set up a hey, let's have a celebratory night kind of deal. a.k.a let's just go do some shit. lol. But, since it was me asking, it got blown off.

Until HE needed some "guy time" and wanted to hang out. Unfortunately that was in the midst of my 3000 consecutive day work shift (may be slightly exaggerated)

Sadly, I would have wanted to do something still, even though when I need a day out, no one has the time, but I'm supposed to jump through hoops for everyone else.

Even when I do reach out, in a very real way, needing to be "talked down from a ledge" for lack of better term, I'm just given platitudes it seems. Or someone tries to out my-life-sucks me. That's definitely a running theme in my life. The phrase "others have it much worse" somehow is supposed to cure what's wrong in your life, as opposed to it being "others have it worse, asshole, you fucking idiot" which is how it lands.

It seems no matter how deep, or real, I try to be in conversations, because I desperately need it at times.... it's glossed over. There are things I'd like to mention, to bring up to talk about. I try to lead the conversation towards that path, sometimes, but get derailed by one of the aforementioned idiosyncrasies. 

So, I wonder. Am I supposed to just talk about it here? Would it be just as good as saying it to someone who's not fully invested in the conversation? The outcome would be the same, right? Theoretically at least.  

Maybe I will... maybe I won't. That would be for another time. It's a very heavy subject, and it's not the time to do that, as if the no one reading this would change. lol. Sigh.

Obsoletion

I'd love to say things never change, but we all know things do. For better, or for worse. Worse, in my case.

Here I sit, a month after my 39th birthday, now with officially no real life, in person friends. Maybe it's for the best that any social meetings are so very few, and far between. I have really been down, and extremely hopeless for a few months now, with just a random flash of "hey this ain't shit" mixed in. But, when the best friend you have is someone purely talked through through text, having hung out once, for a couple hours, after almost a year.. .that's not a great sign.

So, beyond that, it seems as if my neighborhood is officially a piece of shit now. I'm not sure how it happened. Everywhere has annoyances, random dogs, loud cars, whatever it may be, from time to time.

Well, mine is not only daily, it's pretty much all of those daily, multiple times, and some constantly. Between the dog next door who has owners who seem to not give a shit that it'll bark for an hour every time a bee farts, to the influx of rice rockets, and wannabe fast and furious twats. It's really driving me up the wall.

So, add in the constant noise, plus the shit people who live here, plus no friends, sprinkle in the absence of desire to do anything. No passion, not even excitement about a show, concert, hell even movies in 99% of the cases nowadays. I'm really at a loss.

The next couple months will be a massive, stressful toll on me, as I've backed myself into a corner on some stuff I've needed to take care of, and I may screw myself out of life, or a future because of it. I am hopefully that maybe there will be a consideration towards me, and it'll all be done soon, and I can move on, and out, and away. Or just fade away, as I've become obsolete.

Crystal Lake Trip

Jeg ønsker å bli Ferdig

I'm not sure where to go now. I've fought a lot to try to move my life forward. Within the course of a month, or two, it seemed two great opportunities came into my life. One, due to circumstances I can't control at the moment, was a sure thing, but I had to step aside. The jury is still out whether or not I dodged a bullet on this one, but for the short term it would have meant a lot more money (well, relatively speaking) and a step up.

On the other side, something as close to perfection as I've ever found. Sure, I could be seeing it all rosy and sparkly, and missing bigger issues. But, for the most part, this was the closest to exactly what I've looked for in ages. But it's just out of reach, may very well be permanently out of reach. This is a wait and see proposition though, so, I'll do just that. 

So, that leaves me with "what now?"

Yes, there are issues I'm currently, still, dealing with. Going forward will be a continuation of my efforts to chip those down until they're gone. There is still a long, steep road ahead. But, then what? 

Then what, indeed.

Villainy in the Times of Man

Something I've joked about... often... over the years, and have actually put thought into, when it was a topic on my mind. Villainy.

Let me step back, just a second here. Have you ever been asked "If you could have any super power, what would it be?" or something similar to that? I think most people have, or, at least, have heard of it... maybe just thought, on your own "Man, it'd be cool to fly, have xray vision" whatever the case may be.

So, my big semi-joke when talking on this, is that whatever power I had, I know I'd end up using it for "bad".Between that and my many actual thoughts, and comments on society, how the world works.. or doesn't, etc have led me to believe that I am, at least 50% but I'd bet more, villain.

Don't get me wrong, I'm in no way saying I'm an evil person. I'm not saying I'd go out and blindly murder, or harm others just for jollies. But, I have a view of good/evil that is different from the generic views.

Think about it, with some exceptions, of course, are villains really "evil"? Let's step away from the super hero/super villain archetype for a moment.... just think of some every day kinds of things.

Have you ever been cut off in traffic, and thought that guy is an asshole? I'm not saying driving crazy isn't an asshole move, but, how do we know he/she's not on their way to see a hurt, or dying family member? Or some other kind of emergency?

Sure, you shouldn't drive recklessly, because in the end the time you save is marginal. But, still, we all have done it at some point.

That's just a stupid example, but, think about it. "Evil" in many ways is just a form of selfishness. Again, I'm not talking about those who go out, kidnap, rape, torture, bomb, etc. This is just the general sense of what we see as villainy. And I don't recall many instances where such crimes are ever represented as villainy (even though they can be called that just as easy)

Where am I going with this? I think I've forgotten....

My main point, is that in many senses, I view myself as someone who could, very easily, be considered a villain. I don't see how I fit in this world, as we're "supposed" to anyway. I hate congestion, loathe big cities. Many instances, I just hate dealing with people, because they either get in my way, or halt my movement towards something in life. 

Some men just want to watch the world burn, they say.

Those are some of my favorite movies, and stories.

For British Eyes Only

It's been an odd time in my life, observing what I do. I really do feel like someone who's not participating in, but instead, watching the humans I am linked to. Be it friends, family, what have you.

I find myself being annoyed more often, but I appreciate that at least one friend is trying to reach out. Even if I don't need to hear some of the overly descriptive stuff he says. I'd rather have to squirm through that, than have no contact at all.... which is what my life is now. Not that it's really that different, but, yeah.

Speaking of this friend, sometimes when I observe our times out, whatever we're doing, I'm starting to think I don't know how to be a person, or, maybe he doesn't. I'm leaning towards thinking it's me.

He seems to get near orgasmic enjoyment out of all food, any form of cute girl, and shitting. Now, as much as I love food, food is food. I use it to try to fill that endless hole in my soul, that's it's function. I'm not sure if it's just exaggeration, or, am I really missing that chromosome?

Now, on to more usual things. I want to say my terrible choices in women, but, this is in that, and not. So, for the last few weeks I've been talking to this girl, all very random stuff. When I saw her pic, I thought, cute. But, since come to find out all this stuff, which makes her wholly unavailable (and with my lack of car, I hadn't really invested myself that whole heartedly into it. I considered it talking to a cute girl, and go from there.) so, my streak pretty much continues. I'm starting to think I really should stop looking, even as passively as I do. Right now I have low funds, and no car. So, what am I really going to find out there? It's only ok to have those qualities if you're a girl, cause more guys overlook that stuff. Not saying girls are all superficial, this is more logistical.

Well, that's about it. I know, nothing interesting. I just felt bad that I've not put an update up in ages.

I wish my life was more interesting, then maybe people would read this.

Love.... American Style

So, I decided to do something a little different on here for the next few posts. Instead of just ramblings of the day, I'm thinking I'll cover specific topics. Why not? Reading my posts come across as disjointed at times, and I know why, but, maybe these will be a slightly better read.

Not that anyone reads these, of course.

So, the inaugural topic, since it is that time of year, I'm starting off with sex. Sex, love, that whole shebang. 

Pun intended, naturally.

So, sex can be a complicated subject in general, but, it can be an odd one with me. Now, don't get me wrong, from what I recall of it, I'd loved it just as much as anyone else. BUT, I think between my self-image, and actual past experience, I am a bit gun shy going in for the kill.

When I was with my ex, I was made to feel like it was a bad thing. I don't believe intentionally, I fully believe it is how she was. But, you can't help but take it personally, I mean, c'mon.

Now, I'm not saying I wanted to tell everyone, and post shit, not at all. But, any little thing was such a federal case of embarrassment to her. Like I said, I'm sure it was more her insecurities, or what have you, but, there's no way in Hell I couldn't be effected by it. 

So, since then, while there have been a few random girls here or there, nothing more than a night of, sometimes, fun. I say sometimes because I seem to pick the laziest girls in the fucking world! Not all, just about half of my experiences have been just plain fucking terrible. I'll cop to the last two being more my fault, but, it goes back to the general theme of my life, me being inside my own head far too often.

So, as it stands, right this moment, it's been over 2 years since, well, anything. Even the smallest nothing, let alone anything more. To top that, it's actually been over 5 years since the last time I had good sex. This among everything lse has really been a swift kick to the ego, especially in romantic circumstances.

How am I suppose to feel like any girl would be interested, when the last ones who "were" did so much damage?

I'm just at the point where I've all but given up. Not just because of life's situational comedy that is my existence, but, why the fuck should I bother putting time into you, when you're probably going to be a piece of shit like the others?

Institute of Hypocracy

As anyone who has followed this blog, or, just skimmed the older posts knows, I am a man with a troubled soul. For the last few years my existence, and plans for the futures have been a struggle of duality.

We have the, let's call it, normal path, has always consisted of the more conventional things. Get a job, something that can be spun into a career. To be honest, that was as far as it went, because beyond that, it would be even more out of my control as to what happens.

Then, we have the inner me. The one who longs for exploration, adventure, not settling into a soul crushing routine.

While I have struggled to walk that line, to see some things through, or at least try them and mark it off my list. I now close in on the true unknown. One way or another my schooling ends this month. Even if the geniuses at my school placed me in an internship that has nothing to do with my schooling and, in fact, if it had been a place I found and pitched, it would have been denied because it doesn't meet the criteria set forth by the paperwork. I am currently at the half way point, and I literally do nothing beyond look up to see if we've gotten requested files in, and if not, try to contact the providers to follow up. 

This is not what I invested near $15,000 for. Now I'm set up to have a debt of about $9500 I'll have to pay back. So, they got their money... jokes on me I guess.

So, now that I near the end, the way things are, I'm almost sure I won't be kept on, and other than needing some form of income, I'm not that torn up. I excelled in school, and I have a lot more to offer than a useless link in a system of redundancy.

So, here are the options, and thought patterns.

1. My internship offers me a job. I already stated how I doubt this will be the case, if they do, I guess I'll plug along looking for another job as I at least get money, and feel terrible about it.

2. No spot is offered, so I go back on the job hunt. It is what it is there, not a lot of explaining to do.

3. If after a couple months there is no improvement, is it time to commit to my alternative plan? 

I won't fully explain that, people who know me well, know the basic idea. I'm sure I've talked of it on here as well. The thing is, if I do this plan, there is no coming back.... ever. This one is hard to really feel the full desire to commit to, mostly because of the fear of the unknown. The things, and people, I have here, that keep me sane, if that's what you call this, I'd miss greatly. The band, wrestling. Those things are very important to me, BUT, they don't sustain me. No fault of their own, they do exactly as they should. It's the insane amount of downtime in between, and the actual logistics of what I do that needs.... more.

While I do care about those, I have no day to day, week to week stuff that keeps me going. 

Best example, ever since I started the internship, this has been my life. 7am ish I wake up, leave to catch the bus at 8. Get out around 5-5:30p to take the bus home. That's it. While there have been a few things going on, they are all one and done. Things to try to shake up the monotony. All alone, of course.

So... if I'm going to be alone, actually alone.... what the fuck am I struggling to hang on to?

Muddled Clarity

There are times when I wish I knew who was out there. If my writing this is either entertaining someone, helping someone, maybe connecting, in some way, with any person out there.

Since it's inception, it has always been about me blowing off steam, for the most part. Mainly due to the severe lack of a real life counterpart in which to truly vent.

And to be honest, there are many, many things I don't speak of on here, most of the time for personal reasons.

I know it sounds odd, considering how personal most of my ramblings can be. But, there are some things in life that, let's be blunt, talking does nothing for.

There are those things in one's life that just are. Incidents have occurred, feelings were hurt, physical injuries, whatever the case may be. They just are, we try to get over them, suppress them, deal in which ever way we are able to.

I would hope that my words mean something, to someone out there. To me, I have re-read them, some of them, and it'll bring back a memory of what I was going through at the time. Tragedy, or triumph. Or, triumph that led to tragedy, whatever the situation.

Maybe these words are all for naught, and nobody really cares about them. I wish I knew. Whether I was inspiring someone... letting someone know that there is another pewrson dealing with some of these issues. A kindred spirit, or whatever. 

I wish I knew it mattered.

I wish I felt I could matter.

The Butterfly Effect

I was hit really hard by the tragic passing of Robin Williams yesterday.

Ever since I first read about what had happened, I haven't stopped thinking about it. Minus the drug issues he battled, we shared many of the same, let's call them, "health issues."

I grew up with him on TV, in movies. He was everywhere throughout my life. He was smart, funny, successful, but, in the end, all of that really doesn't matter, it seemed.

Depression isn't just about being down, or sad. It's more like the inability to be happy, to a point at least.

I have suffered from the same affliction for decades. The most "help" anyone ever gave me were lies, or, the generic "cheer up" as if that has any sort of relevance to the situation.

Whenever you hear stories like his, and how even through all he appeared to have, and all the joy he brought tens of millions of people, in the end, there was one person who he could not reach. Himself.

So, hearing stories such as these, it always leads me to wonder one thing; How the hell am I supposed to win the battle?

Not to completely turn his tragedy into a "look at me" situation, but, I am me, and I am forced to look at me.

He had fame, and fortune. Two things I'm not particularly interested in, but, they were there because he succeeded at something he loved.

He has his own family, wife, kids, whom he undoubtedly loved, and cherished, as I'm sure they did him. On paper he had it all, it would seem. So, how does someone like me, who really has near to nothing, survive? The thing that would disturb most people whom I know, would be the question I ask myself every so often.

Do I want to survive?

Tired

I'm tired. So tired of all of it. 

I'm tired of being disregarded as a friend, a human, a family member, just a person in general.

I find it sad that I've had to condition myself to "not care" about certain things, just to try and minimize the damage it can, and will do to me.

Those who know me know I've mentioned, at times, that no one has even tried to throw me a birthday party in, probably, 15 or so years.

I threw myself one two years in a row, only to have it stolen by a self-centered family member.

That would be bad enough, as it sits, if it weren't for the fact that there seems to be some sort of party, or gathering for any little thing for anyone else.

Hell, they don't even have to be related to us to get a party!

I'm not looking for some big blow out, but, for the love of Christ, I dated a girl for just under 8 years, who never once bothered to even try to have a small get together for me.

I never ask for much, even if I'm in dyer need of it, but, there's one day a year that you would think I'd be treated nicely, made too feel special. Right?

Far too much to ask. Far, far too much.

Now, if you know me, this would seem odd, as my birthday isn't until December. But, it's hot off the couple of recent parties. One for my ex-sister-in-laws son, who isn't the son of my brother. They have the party here. Then, one of my nieces is apparently moving, and having a kid (daughter of a half-brother I've rarely ever seen due to his criminal ways, and the girl I've not seen in, I'd say, 7-9 years by the way) At least the latter has some sort of blood relation to us.

Anyway, this all just adds fuel on the fire of why, as soon as I'm able to, I am leaving this place, and these people in my past.

A Beautiful Lie

Something I fight with, on an almost daily basis, an inner struggle with outward effects. The thought, the idea, the meaning of having passion.

People can be passionate about damn near anything. Faith, politics, music, photographs, you name it, there is someone who has thrown themselves into that 100%. For better, or for worse, they are doing something meaningful.

Even if it is something you are not profiting off of. The starving artist, hoping to sell a painting at an art walk.

The musician who records a song, and just hopes some people will like it enough to buy an album, a shirt, pay to see them play.

Then, there is me. There are things I like, things I enjoy, things I love. But, I can't put my finger on something I'm passionate about.

I tend to blame it on the time in life leading up to now, but, there are a handful of reasons behind it, none of them easy to explain, and even hard to understand at times. 

I've done things. Written music, recorded music. Played music for others. Created pieces of photoshop "art" for lack of better term, for others, to aid in their passions.

I've stepped in the ring, behind the camera, behind merch tables. That would be the closest thing to attach passion to. Whether it was touring the country, or just driving out 15 minutes to man a table, or whatever it may be.

But, even with that, it is so few, and far between, it's hard to truly enjoy it at the most.

Which is issue #2 for me, living in the moment, or, enjoying it, without having it dampened by something in the past, or knowing it'll be ending in an hour, or whatever it may be.

Let Your Dim Light Shine

I wish I had will power. True will power.

For very short spurts of time I'll eat a little better, or, at least cut out some of the worst items I'll eat.

I'll do good for a few days, a week, maybe even a month. Then I figure, I've been good, I can have, let's say, one can of soda. Or glass, whatever. But, then it'll go from one can, to one 2 liter, to one 12 pack. It's really bad.

In my mind, I am split. I eat what I eat because most of the time, it's the only happier feeling I get. That delicious chip, that tasty slice of pizza. So, if I eliminate that, or even change it just a bit too much, then what do I have left?

Then, on the flip side there is that part of me that just wants it all to end sooner than later. So, if I keep eating so shitty, at some point something in my body will give up. I've always joked, to myself, that the way I eat is a form of very slow suicide. It's hard for me to picture a bright light at the end of the tunnel I've been in for, what, a decade now? Maybe more. It really is. I still hold out that little bit of hope that if one thing changes, just enough, something will click.

Whether it be a certain job, finding some random hobby type of thing that just draws me in. Something to make me feel like this existence has a god damned point, you know?

But, maybe that's a stupid thing, in the long run, to hope for.

Fade Out

I am mentally drained. So much anxiety, and stress. I'm pulling myself 100 different ways, and in some senses I want to do each of them, and none of them. Some are compatible, some are not.

No matter what I do for now, none of these matter, not for a few years. So, somehow I have to try really hard to cope with my situation. I am stuck in it.

Part of me wants to just be at the end of the decade, get on with life, and have these next few years just be another bad memory, emotional scarring on my mind, and try to move on. But, obviously I must deal with now as best I can. The next 2-3 months will be the biggest struggle, in about 5 different ways. For the first time in, well, probably ever, I'm looking forward to the Summer. Only for the fact that I'll be passed this patch of shit.

It's hard to really enjoy much now, not like enjoying things has really been a huge part of my makeup, hah. There are the little things, the nights out, a movie, whatever it may be. But, sometimes it is just the bandage on top of the gaping stab wound of life.

Then there is the part of me that just wants to disappear, and let it all end, fading out hidden from view.

Who the fuck knows anymore.

Denial in Absolution

Strange thing, the other day. Not going to dip into too much detail, because if/when it comes to it, I am doing my best to leave no trail for anyone to stop me.

But, as I started... the other day I passed by the area where I had come so close to driving myself to, and ending it not too many months ago. I tried not to think about it too much as we appoached and passed by. All in all, I don't think that'd be the spot anymore, if it came to it. In all honestly, if the time comes, I imagine just walking off into the nowhere. Living out a few days, a week, maybe a month tops, and just fading away.

In a sad poetry, that seems far more fitting of my life than some big grand jump off of this, shoot yourself, whatever other methods you want to think of. Those seem too violent for my nature, and why shouldn't I die as I lived? In the background, where no one noticed?

Fuck this, I'm done here.

Hesitation

I've been thinking a lot over the last couple of weeks (I know, shocking, isn't it?) Being that it's now just over a year since my failed attempt at moving on with my life, leaving Cali, and manning up, let's say for sake of what I'm dreadfully realizing in my life.

I digress... as I said, I've been thinking. I have many faults, obviously. Yes, I know, everyone has theirs. I am me, I deal with mine, others deal with theirs. 

One of my greatest foes in life, is my own hesitation. I actually got enough up to leave my job of almost 7 years. I took a month for myself, to decompress, get affairs in order. I had thought about leaving for so long, but, now it was on the precipice of being my reality.

I said my goodbyes, did the rounds as best I could. Boxed up my entire life, shoved as much of it as I could in my car, got in, and actually left.

In hind site, two opposites are clear:

1. I should have had something waiting for me. A job, a place, friends, SOMETHING. The fact that I was moving into a new state, with no friends or anything eventually got to me, among other insecurities.

2. I should have said "fuck it" and stuck with it, at least for a few months. 

I had told myself, before leaving, that I'd give myself at least 6 months, unless things got really bad. I ended up giving myself a couple days.

I fucked up bad. 

Given, since coming home I was able to tour with Spence, and got back an old friend because of it. I got to ring announce for IWL, worked the music for Mach 1, and camera work at MWE. All things I would not have had, had I stayed gone. Or, perhaps I would have with other companies, other places (minus the Spence tour, of course)

Given my current situation, it was obviously the wrong choice, as now I'm stuck in a position that is killing me, in so many ways.

I try to be as strong as I can, but, I am starting to fear that I might be more bi-polar, than just suffer from depression itself. I still am very depressed. Maybe I deserve it. I know I'm my harshest critic (even reading these blogs, you don't know the half of how hard I on myself.) but, at the same time, I'm just lost.

Part of me wants a defining moment. That point where you feel like you're worth it, like a man, something. A right of passage almost. 

This one is going to end here, somewhat abruptly, yes. But, I'm just making it feel worse by saying this, but, it's something I feel the need to release.

State of Life and Death

I'm so tired. Physically, emotionally.. all of it. All I really, really need right now, is something so simple. Work. For Christ's sake I'm not asking for a 6 figure full time benefit laden job. Hell, 20 hours a week is just fine.

Beyond the facts that I NEED a job, my life is completely being held hostage by the lack of one.

No money, so, no gas to go anywhere. What gas I have has to be used very sparingly.

Entertainment is a hit and miss, monetarily. There's nothing I really need. but, just to be able to get out of the house, and do something positive would be great.

I fight, and fight, and fight. Put in applications, have had a couple interviews. It's killing me.

Ask yourself... how many times have you awaken, and wished you hadn't? I mean beyond the "I don't wanna go to work" or do whatever tedious task that may lay ahead?

How often to do wish that some catastrophic issue would arise, heart attack, aneurysm, whatever. Something that could put you out of your misery like that?

i do, very often, and sometimes daily.

See, as controversial a thought this would be, if anyone ever really read these. I'm far too cowardly to kill myself. There still lies a little hope in me that things will improve. But, at the same time, I could lay out some pros and cons from, let's say the last 5 years, since I've been struggling with this affliction for far longer than that.. it seems like a nice number.

There are many things that are far better now, than they were then. Obviously one thing is massively worse, but, I do not speak of it, even if it eats away at me constantly.

But, beyond that, all of the better stuff in my life hasn't really changed anything. I love the wrestling shows, helping Spence, all those things. but, at the end of the day, life still sucks. I don't know if it's just because it has for so long for me. Maybe I can't be happy. I have no clue. I'll have a day, here and there, where things are fine. But...

I have no idea what happens once we're gone. Is that the end completely? Do you go to a Heaven or Hell? Reincarnation? Something else? no one will ever know, until it's their turn. And honestly, I feel that I am a bit of a waste of resources. Burdensome on those around me. While I try my best to be helpful, aiding people, advancing what I can. If I can never feel worthy of life, do I have a right to keep having one?

Angel, or Demon

Over the last few days I've been re-watching the series Heroes. Even though I'm not a fan of how the last season or so went, I have many strong connections with this show, and it's themes.

For the majority of my life, I've done what i can to live it in a good light. Sure, there was always darkness, but, that was my darkness.

If a friend was in need, and I could help, I would. No matter how many times I may have been ignored, or left to my own devices by that very same friend.

Looking at my life, what has happened, I tend to ask. What the fuck was I thinking?

Given, I ask that about a lot of things that have happened.

It has made me think, many times. What would happen if I had power. I'm not even talking about super powers or anything, just, actual power. How long could I go before I abused it? Before I made those under me suffer the wrath? I've paid a lot of dues in life. Whether it be simple grunt work, to running errands for whatever reason. Still, what do I really have to show for it? I can't find work, because of many things, but I have no single piece of paper from some muckity muck saying I know how to do something.

I'm sorry I just know, without having to spend $40,000 on some school that used to be something you did as an apprentice, and learned on the job.

But,
I digress. 

My point here, is that, if I could ever truly have some sort of power, I think I would do what I can to keep it, to grow it. Heroes... villains... It really does come down to whose perspective you view it from... does it not?

The Butterfly Effect

You always hear stories in life, about how certain people turn out they way they do. For instance, say, growing up, you had an abusive parent. Let's say you had a father who drank too much, and either physically, or verbally abused you, a sibling, mother, or any combination.

With that scenario, you either grow up to do the same, continuing the circle of violence, and pain. Or, you turn out the opposite. Of course there are always people who find a path in the middle, but, usually you hear of the extremes.

It's hard to explain my childhood, and not just because I can't recall most of it. I had a blah existence. I never knew my father. Mother worked, usually 9-6ish jobs. So, it was my grandparents who took me to school, picked me up, and all that. We've, realistically, never been a truly close family.

I'm not here today to talk about that, so much, this is my blog, and this is about me.

So. Yeah. Growing up that way, there are times that I do recall, and it was usually times that are on the negative side, of course. Times when it seemed like choices just skipped me. My next youngest sibling is my sister, who is ten years older than I, for those who don't know. So, by the time I really could be a coherent human, she was a teenager, so, no one near my age. That was what it was. So, her daughter, my niece, is only 8 years younger than I. So, I have more memories of her and I, than my siblings. 

So, let's throw out a for instance.

We used to do something every summer, for summer vacation. Nothing cool like family trips, just trips to Disneyland, Knotts, some amusement park more often than not.

So, forgetting a bunch of details, I remember one year it was up to us where we went. I said one place, my niece said another, and they picked hers. It's the only time I recall us having real input on where we'd go... and I was ignored. This is how I view my life, in a nutshell.

So, with that kind of cold, and somewhat negligent upbringing (trust me, there is much, much more. But, I'm not going into it now, perhaps pieces will, or have come out before) I have never, ever, felt like I amount to anything.

I've had people tell me how appreciative they are of me, how much I've made their lives easier in some instances. Lots of praise for things. But, thanks to how I grew up, I'm so fucking damaged, I get no real enjoyment from life. I actually, almost hate being alive.

Sometimes you hear the "what if" question. If you could change one thing, etc. I have multiple answers. If I could go back and change something in my life, I would have pursued wrestling at 17, like I wanted, before I was basically laughed at for asking to look into schools.

But, when I really sit down, and think.... if there was one thing I could truly, honest to God change about my life. It would be me having one. 

I know there wasn't any plan on me being born. I know I was an accident. It happens. But... for any good I've brought this world. Laughs with friends, helping someone out, being the right guy at the time for whatever the situation was. I hate my life. Some of it is attributed to how I was raised, yes, of course, that laid the groundwork for who I am. But, I've fucked it up pretty bad. In some ways, beyond real, true repair.

I really don't know how much longer I care to fight for it. I am trying, some things have fallen my way, sort of. Kinda in the way that the shit hit the fan, and you got it all over you, but, hey, it didn't fly in your mouth! Kind of way, if that makes sense.

I feel worthless, meaningless. Just a burden on others, which I am reminded of on a weekly basis, if not more often. I am my harshest critic. I am the villain in my story... and sometimes I feel like the Grim Reaper is meant to be the hero....