I'm so tired. Physically, emotionally.. all of it. All I really, really need right now, is something so simple. Work. For Christ's sake I'm not asking for a 6 figure full time benefit laden job. Hell, 20 hours a week is just fine.
Beyond the facts that I NEED a job, my life is completely being held hostage by the lack of one.
No money, so, no gas to go anywhere. What gas I have has to be used very sparingly.
Entertainment is a hit and miss, monetarily. There's nothing I really need. but, just to be able to get out of the house, and do something positive would be great.
I fight, and fight, and fight. Put in applications, have had a couple interviews. It's killing me.
Ask yourself... how many times have you awaken, and wished you hadn't? I mean beyond the "I don't wanna go to work" or do whatever tedious task that may lay ahead?
How often to do wish that some catastrophic issue would arise, heart attack, aneurysm, whatever. Something that could put you out of your misery like that?
i do, very often, and sometimes daily.
See, as controversial a thought this would be, if anyone ever really read these. I'm far too cowardly to kill myself. There still lies a little hope in me that things will improve. But, at the same time, I could lay out some pros and cons from, let's say the last 5 years, since I've been struggling with this affliction for far longer than that.. it seems like a nice number.
There are many things that are far better now, than they were then. Obviously one thing is massively worse, but, I do not speak of it, even if it eats away at me constantly.
But, beyond that, all of the better stuff in my life hasn't really changed anything. I love the wrestling shows, helping Spence, all those things. but, at the end of the day, life still sucks. I don't know if it's just because it has for so long for me. Maybe I can't be happy. I have no clue. I'll have a day, here and there, where things are fine. But...
I have no idea what happens once we're gone. Is that the end completely? Do you go to a Heaven or Hell? Reincarnation? Something else? no one will ever know, until it's their turn. And honestly, I feel that I am a bit of a waste of resources. Burdensome on those around me. While I try my best to be helpful, aiding people, advancing what I can. If I can never feel worthy of life, do I have a right to keep having one?
Beyond the facts that I NEED a job, my life is completely being held hostage by the lack of one.
No money, so, no gas to go anywhere. What gas I have has to be used very sparingly.
Entertainment is a hit and miss, monetarily. There's nothing I really need. but, just to be able to get out of the house, and do something positive would be great.
I fight, and fight, and fight. Put in applications, have had a couple interviews. It's killing me.
Ask yourself... how many times have you awaken, and wished you hadn't? I mean beyond the "I don't wanna go to work" or do whatever tedious task that may lay ahead?
How often to do wish that some catastrophic issue would arise, heart attack, aneurysm, whatever. Something that could put you out of your misery like that?
i do, very often, and sometimes daily.
See, as controversial a thought this would be, if anyone ever really read these. I'm far too cowardly to kill myself. There still lies a little hope in me that things will improve. But, at the same time, I could lay out some pros and cons from, let's say the last 5 years, since I've been struggling with this affliction for far longer than that.. it seems like a nice number.
There are many things that are far better now, than they were then. Obviously one thing is massively worse, but, I do not speak of it, even if it eats away at me constantly.
But, beyond that, all of the better stuff in my life hasn't really changed anything. I love the wrestling shows, helping Spence, all those things. but, at the end of the day, life still sucks. I don't know if it's just because it has for so long for me. Maybe I can't be happy. I have no clue. I'll have a day, here and there, where things are fine. But...
I have no idea what happens once we're gone. Is that the end completely? Do you go to a Heaven or Hell? Reincarnation? Something else? no one will ever know, until it's their turn. And honestly, I feel that I am a bit of a waste of resources. Burdensome on those around me. While I try my best to be helpful, aiding people, advancing what I can. If I can never feel worthy of life, do I have a right to keep having one?
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