I've been thinking a lot over the last couple of weeks (I know, shocking, isn't it?) Being that it's now just over a year since my failed attempt at moving on with my life, leaving Cali, and manning up, let's say for sake of what I'm dreadfully realizing in my life.
I digress... as I said, I've been thinking. I have many faults, obviously. Yes, I know, everyone has theirs. I am me, I deal with mine, others deal with theirs.
One of my greatest foes in life, is my own hesitation. I actually got enough up to leave my job of almost 7 years. I took a month for myself, to decompress, get affairs in order. I had thought about leaving for so long, but, now it was on the precipice of being my reality.
I said my goodbyes, did the rounds as best I could. Boxed up my entire life, shoved as much of it as I could in my car, got in, and actually left.
In hind site, two opposites are clear:
1. I should have had something waiting for me. A job, a place, friends, SOMETHING. The fact that I was moving into a new state, with no friends or anything eventually got to me, among other insecurities.
2. I should have said "fuck it" and stuck with it, at least for a few months.
I had told myself, before leaving, that I'd give myself at least 6 months, unless things got really bad. I ended up giving myself a couple days.
I fucked up bad.
Given, since coming home I was able to tour with Spence, and got back an old friend because of it. I got to ring announce for IWL, worked the music for Mach 1, and camera work at MWE. All things I would not have had, had I stayed gone. Or, perhaps I would have with other companies, other places (minus the Spence tour, of course)
Given my current situation, it was obviously the wrong choice, as now I'm stuck in a position that is killing me, in so many ways.
I try to be as strong as I can, but, I am starting to fear that I might be more bi-polar, than just suffer from depression itself. I still am very depressed. Maybe I deserve it. I know I'm my harshest critic (even reading these blogs, you don't know the half of how hard I on myself.) but, at the same time, I'm just lost.
Part of me wants a defining moment. That point where you feel like you're worth it, like a man, something. A right of passage almost.
This one is going to end here, somewhat abruptly, yes. But, I'm just making it feel worse by saying this, but, it's something I feel the need to release.
I digress... as I said, I've been thinking. I have many faults, obviously. Yes, I know, everyone has theirs. I am me, I deal with mine, others deal with theirs.
One of my greatest foes in life, is my own hesitation. I actually got enough up to leave my job of almost 7 years. I took a month for myself, to decompress, get affairs in order. I had thought about leaving for so long, but, now it was on the precipice of being my reality.
I said my goodbyes, did the rounds as best I could. Boxed up my entire life, shoved as much of it as I could in my car, got in, and actually left.
In hind site, two opposites are clear:
1. I should have had something waiting for me. A job, a place, friends, SOMETHING. The fact that I was moving into a new state, with no friends or anything eventually got to me, among other insecurities.
2. I should have said "fuck it" and stuck with it, at least for a few months.
I had told myself, before leaving, that I'd give myself at least 6 months, unless things got really bad. I ended up giving myself a couple days.
I fucked up bad.
Given, since coming home I was able to tour with Spence, and got back an old friend because of it. I got to ring announce for IWL, worked the music for Mach 1, and camera work at MWE. All things I would not have had, had I stayed gone. Or, perhaps I would have with other companies, other places (minus the Spence tour, of course)
Given my current situation, it was obviously the wrong choice, as now I'm stuck in a position that is killing me, in so many ways.
I try to be as strong as I can, but, I am starting to fear that I might be more bi-polar, than just suffer from depression itself. I still am very depressed. Maybe I deserve it. I know I'm my harshest critic (even reading these blogs, you don't know the half of how hard I on myself.) but, at the same time, I'm just lost.
Part of me wants a defining moment. That point where you feel like you're worth it, like a man, something. A right of passage almost.
This one is going to end here, somewhat abruptly, yes. But, I'm just making it feel worse by saying this, but, it's something I feel the need to release.
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