Another week starts, unfortunately.
I really am sick and tired of feeling this way. But I also have no clue how to really combat and change anything. The only avenues I know of, all rely on outside influences to affect the change. If it's anything relating to money, there's nothing I can do without someone giving me a chance and promoting me, or finding a better paying job, or one with more hours each week. Which ain't as easy as that sounds.
Then there are the days when you just want to talk through shit, either because you get caught in that loop of despair, or just need some kind of sounding board. But those don't really exist for me. Most of the people I talk to, all have a kind of "genre" for lack of better term. People know me from certain things, so they only know x, y, or z about me. Few get to really know me well enough to get what my daily/weekly life can consist of. Some are work friends, and some are friends for a certain thing. Whether it be via a game, or through music, or wrestling. But the vast majority of friendships I've had, have always been superficial, some a little deeper, but still not that deep and meaningful.
While that may sound sad [it is] or harsh [it could be] it's my life's design. I had trusted too many wrong people with the keys to the kingdom early on, and to this day have the residual scarring left over. So I'm overly careful, especially in certain areas of my life.
The worst part is when I still pretend to have a deep, meaningful friendship with a person, but then you step back and notice it really isn't. Not that is necessarily bad, but it's bad when you desperately need someone to talk to, or talk you down. Then going to a person you think understands and will listen, and maybe offer that glimmer of hope to calm the anxiety... it just makes it worse.
At this point in my life, I really don't have any deep friendships. I thought I did, I really did. I'm not saying the friends I have are bad, we all serve our purposes, and not everything has to be on the inner most thoughts levels. But, my problem is, I don't have that one. I have one who, I think, tries. It comes off like it at least. Bless her, but, it's just not her job to keep me alive.
Everyone has their own shit. Whether it's work related, relationship, trust issues, money worries, etc. So I'm not one to tell anyone to neglect themselves to help me. But, I also know there are a few who would ask themselves why I didn't come to them for help, after it's over.
If we had that kind of friendship...
I have.
But here we are. I don't want this anymore. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I really don't.
I really am sick and tired of feeling this way. But I also have no clue how to really combat and change anything. The only avenues I know of, all rely on outside influences to affect the change. If it's anything relating to money, there's nothing I can do without someone giving me a chance and promoting me, or finding a better paying job, or one with more hours each week. Which ain't as easy as that sounds.
Then there are the days when you just want to talk through shit, either because you get caught in that loop of despair, or just need some kind of sounding board. But those don't really exist for me. Most of the people I talk to, all have a kind of "genre" for lack of better term. People know me from certain things, so they only know x, y, or z about me. Few get to really know me well enough to get what my daily/weekly life can consist of. Some are work friends, and some are friends for a certain thing. Whether it be via a game, or through music, or wrestling. But the vast majority of friendships I've had, have always been superficial, some a little deeper, but still not that deep and meaningful.
While that may sound sad [it is] or harsh [it could be] it's my life's design. I had trusted too many wrong people with the keys to the kingdom early on, and to this day have the residual scarring left over. So I'm overly careful, especially in certain areas of my life.
The worst part is when I still pretend to have a deep, meaningful friendship with a person, but then you step back and notice it really isn't. Not that is necessarily bad, but it's bad when you desperately need someone to talk to, or talk you down. Then going to a person you think understands and will listen, and maybe offer that glimmer of hope to calm the anxiety... it just makes it worse.
At this point in my life, I really don't have any deep friendships. I thought I did, I really did. I'm not saying the friends I have are bad, we all serve our purposes, and not everything has to be on the inner most thoughts levels. But, my problem is, I don't have that one. I have one who, I think, tries. It comes off like it at least. Bless her, but, it's just not her job to keep me alive.
Everyone has their own shit. Whether it's work related, relationship, trust issues, money worries, etc. So I'm not one to tell anyone to neglect themselves to help me. But, I also know there are a few who would ask themselves why I didn't come to them for help, after it's over.
If we had that kind of friendship...
I have.
But here we are. I don't want this anymore. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I really don't.
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