As anyone who has followed this blog, or, just skimmed the older posts knows, I am a man with a troubled soul. For the last few years my existence, and plans for the futures have been a struggle of duality.
We have the, let's call it, normal path, has always consisted of the more conventional things. Get a job, something that can be spun into a career. To be honest, that was as far as it went, because beyond that, it would be even more out of my control as to what happens.
Then, we have the inner me. The one who longs for exploration, adventure, not settling into a soul crushing routine.
While I have struggled to walk that line, to see some things through, or at least try them and mark it off my list. I now close in on the true unknown. One way or another my schooling ends this month. Even if the geniuses at my school placed me in an internship that has nothing to do with my schooling and, in fact, if it had been a place I found and pitched, it would have been denied because it doesn't meet the criteria set forth by the paperwork. I am currently at the half way point, and I literally do nothing beyond look up to see if we've gotten requested files in, and if not, try to contact the providers to follow up.
This is not what I invested near $15,000 for. Now I'm set up to have a debt of about $9500 I'll have to pay back. So, they got their money... jokes on me I guess.
So, now that I near the end, the way things are, I'm almost sure I won't be kept on, and other than needing some form of income, I'm not that torn up. I excelled in school, and I have a lot more to offer than a useless link in a system of redundancy.
So, here are the options, and thought patterns.
1. My internship offers me a job. I already stated how I doubt this will be the case, if they do, I guess I'll plug along looking for another job as I at least get money, and feel terrible about it.
2. No spot is offered, so I go back on the job hunt. It is what it is there, not a lot of explaining to do.
3. If after a couple months there is no improvement, is it time to commit to my alternative plan?
I won't fully explain that, people who know me well, know the basic idea. I'm sure I've talked of it on here as well. The thing is, if I do this plan, there is no coming back.... ever. This one is hard to really feel the full desire to commit to, mostly because of the fear of the unknown. The things, and people, I have here, that keep me sane, if that's what you call this, I'd miss greatly. The band, wrestling. Those things are very important to me, BUT, they don't sustain me. No fault of their own, they do exactly as they should. It's the insane amount of downtime in between, and the actual logistics of what I do that needs.... more.
While I do care about those, I have no day to day, week to week stuff that keeps me going.
Best example, ever since I started the internship, this has been my life. 7am ish I wake up, leave to catch the bus at 8. Get out around 5-5:30p to take the bus home. That's it. While there have been a few things going on, they are all one and done. Things to try to shake up the monotony. All alone, of course.
So... if I'm going to be alone, actually alone.... what the fuck am I struggling to hang on to?
We have the, let's call it, normal path, has always consisted of the more conventional things. Get a job, something that can be spun into a career. To be honest, that was as far as it went, because beyond that, it would be even more out of my control as to what happens.
Then, we have the inner me. The one who longs for exploration, adventure, not settling into a soul crushing routine.
While I have struggled to walk that line, to see some things through, or at least try them and mark it off my list. I now close in on the true unknown. One way or another my schooling ends this month. Even if the geniuses at my school placed me in an internship that has nothing to do with my schooling and, in fact, if it had been a place I found and pitched, it would have been denied because it doesn't meet the criteria set forth by the paperwork. I am currently at the half way point, and I literally do nothing beyond look up to see if we've gotten requested files in, and if not, try to contact the providers to follow up.
This is not what I invested near $15,000 for. Now I'm set up to have a debt of about $9500 I'll have to pay back. So, they got their money... jokes on me I guess.
So, now that I near the end, the way things are, I'm almost sure I won't be kept on, and other than needing some form of income, I'm not that torn up. I excelled in school, and I have a lot more to offer than a useless link in a system of redundancy.
So, here are the options, and thought patterns.
1. My internship offers me a job. I already stated how I doubt this will be the case, if they do, I guess I'll plug along looking for another job as I at least get money, and feel terrible about it.
2. No spot is offered, so I go back on the job hunt. It is what it is there, not a lot of explaining to do.
3. If after a couple months there is no improvement, is it time to commit to my alternative plan?
I won't fully explain that, people who know me well, know the basic idea. I'm sure I've talked of it on here as well. The thing is, if I do this plan, there is no coming back.... ever. This one is hard to really feel the full desire to commit to, mostly because of the fear of the unknown. The things, and people, I have here, that keep me sane, if that's what you call this, I'd miss greatly. The band, wrestling. Those things are very important to me, BUT, they don't sustain me. No fault of their own, they do exactly as they should. It's the insane amount of downtime in between, and the actual logistics of what I do that needs.... more.
While I do care about those, I have no day to day, week to week stuff that keeps me going.
Best example, ever since I started the internship, this has been my life. 7am ish I wake up, leave to catch the bus at 8. Get out around 5-5:30p to take the bus home. That's it. While there have been a few things going on, they are all one and done. Things to try to shake up the monotony. All alone, of course.
So... if I'm going to be alone, actually alone.... what the fuck am I struggling to hang on to?
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