Two Weeks In

Two weeks into the Spence tour, we're here in Battle Creek, MI. Day one of three days off until the next show. It's nice to not have to rush to a venue, even if I'm only setting out shirts. It is the easier part of everything in the Spence machine, and definitely the least glamorous.

Met some interesting people along the way. From the probably insane in Phoenix, to dedicated fans all over the midwest.

Playing my part in this whole thing has been fun, interesting, and also, at times, kind of a bummer.

Mostly for the fact that I am, indeed, just the merch guy. The guys in the band are awesome, and fun. I think we've gotten along pretty well so far. Especially with the fact that only 1 of them knew me before this whole trip started. 

It is just hard, at times, to see all the people go up to the guys, starstruck, all the praise, what have you. While I am just the guy slinging the shirts and CD's.

Don't get me wrong, I know my role in this whole thing, I accept it, and knew what I was getting into when I agreed. I accept that, and don't hate on anything about it. It's just that, you know, I wish there was one person who was a fan of the merch table guy. lol. Stupid, right?

On top of that, there were a couple days where I was reminded of my place in life. I'm not thinking on purpose, but, it hurt no less. Just the comedy relief, and who cares if he sleeps on the floor. While I wasn't the only one on the floor, I was the only one not offered what everyone else was offered. It's still bugging me, to be honest, and it does make it hard to try and be the cheery salesman when that's just eating away at you.

But, it is what it is, my lot in life. Really doesn't help when the rest of your posse all look better than you, are in better shape, and play in a band. lol. No one seems to be going for my "I give off a lot of heat" line when it's cold, not that they should. I'm not a rocker much anymore. Just a guy.

I don't want this to come off as sour grapes. I appreciate that I was given this opportunity. To see so many new places, places I would have probably never seen. Tried some new things, new foods. Met some nice people, and have been exposed to some new bands along the way.

I do miss home as well, but, mostly just because I miss some of the foods I was used to eating all the time. Craving buffalo wings like nuts! Also, missing my TV shows, and a couple video games I had been waiting for. But, 3 more weeks, and I'll see them all again. 

"Why Oregon?"

Less than two weeks.

In less than two weeks my journey will be underway. Approximately 940 miles, give or take. 15 hours straight through, but, I am not driving straight there, as I'll be taking in some sights I just never had the chance to.

I have been asked, often, "Why Oregon?" or some variation. I give many answers, all true, all part of why. I figured, why not write up an incredibly long, probably not that interesting life story? It'll kill some time, and maybe shed light on things. Maybe not. Let's learn together!

Let's start a bit more recently, then I'll Memento my way around.

A few years ago, I was in bad shape (not physically, that started long before then. hah!) Life was just, bleh. No goals, no direction, nothing much to speak of. In hindsight, I fully admit, it was more a sitting around, killing time, for nothing specific. While I needed some of it, it may have lasted too long.

So, let's go back in time some more.

For quite a while, I was living a life that I, apparently, didn't want. I say apparently, because the revelation came a while after that life ended.

My ex and I were dating, and had for quite a long time. Things were good, at times, and bad at times. Obviously more so towards the end. But, this bad wasn't fighting, infidelities, nothing like that. Just drifting away.

We were growing a part, as people do. There was something she wasn't getting from me, and there was something I wasn't getting from her. It happens, I don't believe there are any hard feelings about it. Although there were for a while, on my side definitely, her side I could only imagine.

It's been a while since the break up. I believe it's been 5 years. For whatever reason, I have a horrible memory for years. I can remember certain dates, just not the actual years. It's odd.

Anyway.

After the break up, there were high highs, and very low lows. I won't bore you with the details, as that was some time ago, and well part of the past.

Anyway, cut forward a couple years. Chugging along at the same job I had for a few years now (well, at that point) one day, at work, during lunch, I was looking for something to watch, and stumbled across "Into the Wild" I forget which part I caught, because over the next week I caught other random parts, until I got a hold of a copy, and watched the whole thing.

That was when my new life began.

Up until then, I can honestly say nothing had ever truly changed my life, in that kind of way. A deep soul searching type of thing.

I came to realize, that some of the message of the movie, and indeed Chris McCandless' life, resonated with me.

I have always told people that I barely care about money. All money does is start fights, and separate people. Now, I'm not all for eliminating money, don't read that wrong. Just, to understand what you want, and what you need for it, without needing the excess, and hurting others to attain it. That's my views on it.

Along with that, while very different upbringings, I have never had a "family feel" in the family. Those who know me, know, those who don't, don't need to. I truly feel the last real piece of true family died when my grandmother started to go. She, along with my grandfather, did more to raise me than anyone else. My father was never around, and my mom always worked. When I wanted to go places, or do anything, it was always too expensive, or no one was around to want to.

The one good out of that, it gave me a partial feeling for not wanting anything big. Hell, if I should you the receipts from this year, up until I left my job, I'd say most of my non-bill cash went to stuff like, a movie, food, stuff like that.

moving on. I came to realize that you have to do what is right for you, what feels right. Even if it's something you only try out for a week, month, a year. Give it that try, if it isn't what you thought, maybe it has opened up another path.

That is, in part, why Oregon.

For the last year plus I had tried to transfer to Washington, Oregon, Idaho even. For whatever reason, my great company pretty much left me on my own. Offering very little, if any actual help. Glad they have all of those people making money to do... whatever it is they actually do.

So, it finally came down a few months back. Much like last year, and my joining M1W at the ripe age of 32, it was now, or never. 

I'm a procrastinator. So, you know.

So I decided, I'll move. Initially, I had Washington in my sights. But, Oregon is right there, nice, but, like me, it's that state you don't always notice, cause it's quiet, and keeps to itself.

I have never truly felt at home in and around Los Angeles. I don't care about the glitz, the glamour. Being a huge movie star, or what a Kardashian is doing.

I am, at heart, a small town boy. How that happens, since I live exactly where I grew up is strange.

I know what I want in my life. Not what I will have, and there is wiggle room, as there are a few scenarios, at the moment, that are perfectly acceptable. I honestly can't see them happening in my current area. 

I won't even mention living at home, cause, well, anyone who reads this probably already knows well enough about this monster.

So, maybe that cleared some things up, maybe it confused people more. Who knows, I just write as I think.

So, in less than two weeks, I'll be on the move. While I am done with LA, for now anyway, I am leaving behind people I will miss dearly. 

The friends from high school (who actually GREW UP since then)

The friends from high school I've just reconnected with, and hate that there won't be more time to catch up.

The friends I've made over the last year from Mach 1, IWL, NWA, everywhere. As a kid who grew up watching wrestling, the fact that I am even a small satellite in orbit of anything related to it, amazes me. The talks I've had, the training, the laughs. Everything. I have learned so much, and hope to come back down and beat the crap out of some of you in the ring. Cause I am the Vanilla Bear, and I bring the vanilla Thunder!

To everyone else who has shared bowling nights, backyard parties, whatever the hell else there was. I will do my best to keep in touch, until I am back full time Internet connected.

That about does it for me, for now.

Under the Scar-lit Night

Now that it has been officially one month since leaving work, I've had time to reflect, look inside, think, dream, plan, all of that, to some extents.

It has been nice being able to keep to my own schedule, whether I have anything to do or not, it's been up to me, for the most part.

But, on the negative side of that coin, it has also left me with a lot of time, most would say too much time, on my hands. We all know my mind is a horrible, horrible beast. 

I still have my Oregonian plans, the hopes, and excitement, to an extent. I say it that way, mostly, because I don't seem to really get "excited" anymore. Or haven't in some time. My feelings tend to betray me, and become twisted into dark things no one needs. But, out of everything I do feel, excitement just doesn't seem to come out to play anymore.

I have never been one to censor myself too much on here. I feel it's counter intuitive to write a journal, diary, blog, whatever you may, and then edit yourself for the sake of "oh no, someone might see it"

I tend to let people know I've written this, whether anyone reads it, or not, is up to them. I honestly don't know anyone who does read these. I think I've had one, or two people mention it before.

But I digress.

I think my main issue in life... with life, it lack of passion. In whatever way you can imagine. I am a passionate person, with no current release for it.

Which tends to lead me to a path of apathy. I want to care, I want to do this, or that, but, why? I tend to call it laziness, and it is, in part, due to the fact that I don't want to always bother to get up, and go do something alone. Which is what about 98% of my activities are. I'm a social creature, with social anxiety, and a general social awkwardness.

It sucks.

Decisions, Decisions

As we all know by now, and have become accustomed to me stating, I don't like my job. Now, this isn't so much a rant about that, so hang in there. 

As we also know, I have had big decisions looming over me for some time now. New job, move, become a wrestler, among so many others.

So, as I sit here, here is what is going on.

Still dislike my job. I don't hate the work, itself. The work can be mind-numbing, and poses no creative challenge, most times. It's not a job, nor is it a company in which I will grow any more with. It was made obvious to me, many time, that I lack the correct length of nose to properly tickle a prostate with.

That is what it is.

So, of course finding a new job, or, hell, even figuring out WHAT to even look for is an enormous pain in my ass.

Add on to that the idea that I wanted to try my hand at becoming a wrestler. Now, look passed the fact that I'm not in great shape, as it is, and am lazy as all get out. I feel if I could get the momentum going to where I move around more, and work on getting in a little better shape, it's not out of the question. Of course that's a big if.

So, moving. I'm of the thought that someone, much like myself, can find it very hard to thrive in an area like Southern California. 

I don't want to be an actor. I don't want to be a billionaire. I hate the constant heat of the spring - mid-December, and utter lack of anything resembling rain, or actual weather patterns.

I have come to believe that my biggest issue to overcome, is the lack of caring. While I want to wrestle. I want to meet great people, have fun times, make memories,. the fact that anytime I've started things in the past, they've always left me wanting. None of it ever amounted to much of anything, you know? 

I suffer from severe lack of motivation. No matter how many times I get that lame ass "do something now or miss out" type of answer from people (which, by the way, isn't motivating, it's just stating an idea, a very generic one)

I'm trying to do the change small things, one by one idea. But, I'll tell ya, that's annoyingly bland. Some things take too long to never appear, while you have to sit and wait for processes. 

I have no real idea where to go from here. Even if I worked 40 hours every week at work, I still wouldn't be able to make much of what I get paid.

I have no desire to go back to school, because it would be for no reason. If I had something I loved, and wanted to pursue, that would lead me to a more comfortably paying job, then I would go for it, in theory. Remember, I'm lazy.

In the end, I just have a hole, that should be filled with a real dream, a drive, passion. 

I don't.

Turning Mistakes into Gold

So.. it's been a while since my last entry. Nothing huge to really say, nothing more than usual.

I've noticed that, while there are more, and newer people in my life. Some good, some great, some inspiring. I still have an emptiness eating away at my from inside. I can't explain it. It's not unique to me, I know this, but, as I am me, and deal with the day to day running of my life, it will always be the most important thing.

Work is a little more fun, if not annoying in other ways at the same time.

I'm musical instruments now, finally breaking the shackles of being practically day labor, in their eyes.

I've had a couple of encounters, we could call dates, for lack of better terminology.

One was a fun night. Hung out, talked, went to the movies. I will fully admit, that girl isn't necessarily my speed, which is fine. Could be someone cool to hang out with no and again. Cute, but, lacking a certain something I definitely need.

Second up was a fun, awe inspiring group outing. She's shy, more so than me, which is rare for me to run into. Might be hanging out again this week, still awaiting word on that. Don't fully know how I feel, since I've been so isolated from having to deal with emotions towards another person, I'm not sure what is what.

Still looking, of course, the all seeing eye. It's messed up how I actually know someone who embodies a lot of what I look for, physically, personality, intelligence, and funkiness, but, as nature would have it, someone who basically says she could never be interested in me. I do get that a lot, sometimes it's in silent protest, some times it's loud and clear, no pulled punches.

I know I'm no centerfold, but, I'd just like to be able to have a cute/hot chick be into me, for once, even if for the wrong reasons (although, since I have little cash, and nothing of flash, I don't see what "wrong" anyone could be into)

Enough for now. Time for a movie, sleep, then work tomorrow.

As The World Opens Her Eyes

So today (Thursday) I decided to go camping. Since the doctor's visit put the nix on doing the whole week, I eventually decided that I should for one day.

So, I drove up to Crystal Lake, since it would be free camping for me. I was planning on staying one night, since I had plans on Friday.

So, I get there, find a campsite. Park, set up the tent and everything. It was still pretty early, so I decided to hike to the lake. But, on the way I actually ran across a trail on the opposite side, so I hiked that. Came back around and hit the trail that goes towards the lake.

Anywho, it was all fine and (tiring) well. Then, nothing. I think I finally figured it out, something I think I knew, but, now can't deny.

I love hiking, and adore the outdoors. But, I absolutely hate being there alone.

I can't really keep myself amused for long, in most situation. I know my stories, and, I have tons of time alone as it is, so, it's not like I'm any more creative or anything out there.

It's nice, and quiet, very calming. That's all nice and well, but, with no one there, what's the point?

The coolest part, though, was after I decided I was going to leave early, and not stay overnight. I decided I'd wait til it got dark, because I love seeing te field of stars, not blocked by out pollution. So, as fast as the Sun sets, it wasn't setting fast enough. So, I decided to walk down the road a bit, which reminded me of a horror movie at times.

Imagine, walking down a street at dusk, no street lights, no light at all, really. No cars, nothing but the sounds of the creatures stirring in the woods.

It was kinda awesome. But, it was time to leave. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

All in all, a learning experience.

Then we go onto the weekend. Friday was great. Got to hang out with a bunch of the guys, friends of old and new. Had a couple of conversations that helped me, made me feel good, bad, and everything in between. 

Saturday had nothing for me. Just watched some TV, movies, sat around the house. As well as Sunday. Which is fine, cause it's been a bit too hot for my own liking. 

So, things are, hopefully, in motion for my near future. That'll give me something to update here, and, hopefully give me some great stories to tell.

Well, that's it for now, as always until next time, have a good one!

Any Fool Can Make a Rule, and Any Fool Will Mind it.

So.. not even 24 hours after making my last post, life decided to tell me no.

I had been having an issue with my foot for about a month, or so. Nothing so bad I couldn't walk, or do a lot of things. But, in the last week it had gotten worse, and now even wearing a shoe could be annoyingly painful.

So, I had two choices. 1. Continue my planned trip, with a really sore foot. Which would have been a massive downer.

Or 2. go to the doctor.

So, I decided on the latter, and went to the doctor. So, with high hopes, I was wishing it would be something simple. Something fixable in a day or two, if not immediately.

That's what I get for wishing.

So, it's a small viral infection that has to be taken care of, daily. I have two medications to use to kill it. One for the morning, and one for the evening.

Now, I still could try the trip, but maybe take my car instead. This way I could carry more. But, my main issue would be cleaning the area daily to apply said medication.

I might still go camping, in a lesser form, as I have found a place that would only be $5 a night. But that wasn't the main point of the trip. So, I am currently undecided as to what I will do. All I know is it's a massive let down. Truly devastated. But, in the same vein, possibly it's the universe telling me to stop, or wait.

It's funny, because at any point over the last month I could have had it looked at, but, in my house, growing up, you never went to the doctor. Everything eventually went away. It's really hard to break that mentality.  And now, looking back, not only did it bite me in the ass, it kicked me where it hurts.

On a side note, that will come off cold, or mean perhaps, one of our dogs died today. She had been suffering for a while. We've had her since she was a pup, but I never grew any attachment to her. Sad, yes, but, merely another side note in my many days here.

Well, that's all for now. Not used to posting on consecutive days, I promise it won't become a habit.

The Core of Mans' Spirit Comes from New Experiences

Posting this earlier than I had planned.. so my initial opening line won't work. It was a good one though.

So, I am now in the middle of my vacation. There have been very fun, great, inspirational, and eye opening times so far. Along with a lot of down town too.

So, at some point within the next 24 hours, I will be walking into the wild. I plan on spending the majority of my last week off living out of a back pack. Still, even at this late moment, I couldn't even say where I'm going to, even if I wanted to.

But, even if I did, I wouldn't, as it defeats one of the purposes.

Now, one thing I learned from my failed Yosemite, and Sequoia trips (other than not having a real snow shovel with me in the winter) is one simple word.

Options.

I'm eliminating one big thing from my trip.

My car.

I am riding the bus to as close as I can get, and then walking in. If I can catch a ride, I will, but, I will not have an easy ride out. So, if it gets slightly annoying, or tough, I can't just give up as easily. It would be a long walk out.

I am not taking much, just what I feel I need, which I know will be far less than I should have. But, that's one of the points.

To paraphrase a quote I love; "I know how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong but to feel strong. To measure yourself at least once. To find yourself at least once in the most ancient of human conditions. Facing the blind death stone alone, with nothing to help you but your hands and your own head."

I am as mentally prepared as I can be, without having faced what I will, before. I am as physically prepared as I could get myself, considering my lack of discipline.

It will be hard, it will suck, but, the quiet, and simple beauty are something I need to experience, for a few reasons, none of which I will go into on here.. not now at least.

I am planning on taking one of my old journals with me, so I can note whatever I might need to, sketch, kill a little time. Whatever I may need it for.

Yes, I do know there is a small "stupidity" factor in there, as I have very little survival knowledge, or training. But, there in lies the freedom of what I am doing.

To be free. Not many know what that is, and even what I am set to do is barely touching that, as I will still be constrained by a deadline to return to work.. so I can make that ever so needed money, for those ever so needed bills, brought about by said job in the first place.

I have not yet packed away everything, and while I will have my phone with me, it will be off, and will most probably die at some point midweek, knowing the great technology we have.

There is a small chance, as with everything in life, of accidents, unforeseen circumstances that may leave me in not a great state. I honestly feel that injury is at about a 5% chance, knowing myself, and my limitations, and abilities. But, I am 100% aware that there are things I haven't planned for.. things I couldn't think of having happened. So, if that 5% happens, I am prepared for it, mentally, if a mentality could apply there.

For now, I shall leave this place with one more quote.

"It should not be denied that being footloose has always exhilarated us. It is associated in our minds with escape from history and oppression and law and irksome obligations. Absolute freedom. And the road has always led west. "

It's Not Suicidal Dreams, it's the Realization of Nothing

Touchy wording, yes, but, something that's been on my mind all week, and, oddly enough, it was even part of a story on the show Louie. Synchronicity I suppose.

See, I pride myself on being pretty real. No one likes it, most days, but in a sense they respect that that's me.

So, here's my mindset lately.

I have surpassed the feeling of "I don't know what I'm doing/to do with my life" to, "I don't know if I really care now"

Let me expand.

For the longest time, I've had no dreams. Nothing non-generic. Sure, I'd love to have a family, live in a nice house, and lead a decent life.

But, what does that mean? What is life?

I feel I know a good deal about me, what I want, what I don't. But, it's that what I want that troubles me.

I don't feel like I want anything really.

I have no real desire to be rich, of make a 6 figure salary. Unless it was with something I love.

But, here's wall number 2. What do I love? As far as something that could be turned for a profit.

I do love my new wrestling stories, the people I have met are all awesome, and fun. But, even so, I have a feeling that I would like to go back to training. But, I know that there isn't a ton of money in wrestling, so, even if I got to the point of working shows, I'd still need a "regular" job. It's that regular job part that irks me.

Apparently, according to Best Buy policy for part time workers (since they fail to communicate what is "required" for full time employees to me) part time people need to be completely open Friday-Sunday. Then, open at least 2 morning, and 2 evening shifts during the week.

Mind you, this is for part time, who are only really supposed to be scheduled 20-26 hours a week anyway.

So, let's say you're going to school. Well, looks like you have to have one set of classes at night, and one in the morning. But, with that, you'd probably still be screwed, because they want you to work when they say, and then maybe, just maybe they'll allow you to better yourself.

See, with that being part time "expectations" I could only imagine the full time ones.

So, instead of trying to get a store to work well with what they have, they just restrict you from trying to do anything else, unless they say it's OK.

Doesn't sound so great to me!

So, I've already gone on about my hatred for retail, and just societal work in general. Enough on that, until they shove the dick further up our collective asses.

So, back on topic. What does one do when one doesn't really feel passionate about something?

Let's look at my personal life. In the last 2 years, the only person I have gone on a date with, is my ex. Stupid move in the end, but it seemed right at the time. Also, I think it had to be done. There was a fucked up sense of closure for me.

Since then, not one. Not for lack of trying through personal sites, and even a couple attempts at going out with a girl at work. Those failed, obviously.

I used to live my life from moment to moment. The anticipation of an upcoming show. Vacation time, birthday, holidays, etc. But, I almost don't even care about that anymore either.

Holidays are meaningless to me. All it is is people coming over here, being annoying, even when I'm far away. I don't miss my family, because I have never been away from them, nor do I care about the complaints they have.

Plus, it's not like Thanksgiving of Xmas can mean much, with the way they work us to the bone at work. Oh, we get a half day off for Thanksgiving, because we have to be up at the ass crack of this evening to set up for the clusterfuck that is Black Friday? Super!

Then Christmas falls under my above complaint.

So, at the end of the day, it's not that I have any desire to die, I just really can't find a real reason to live. If that makes sense.

Two Paths, Many Forks

I seem to need to find a nice mix of the few things I love in life.

I love the quite, solace, beauty that nature gives us. The same nature that I an not see from home, because man has decimated so much of it.

Then, on the other hand, the life and world of professional wrestling. While I am not one, yet, if ever. I am in the world. I know plenty, and go to many shows to support those who are amazing.

The funny thing is, my life breaks down to these parts;

Work
Home
Nature/Hiking
Wrestling

Work, I feel unwanted, unneeded, just not necessary. I've felt that for a long time, for many, many reasons.

Home, I'm just money, and someone to bitch to. I get no real solace, ever, at home. The only time I look forward to being here is when I'm at work, or, when I need sleep. And even that last part seems like maybe a nap in the car, elsewhere would be nicer.

Hiking/Nature I have not been around it in about 3 months, but will fully immerse myself in it in a couple weeks. I love it, but, since I always adventure alone, it does lack the longevity of passing on stories, and experiences.

Now, we have wrestling. Here's where things get confusing. I have never been in good physical shape, not really athletic. So, to even think I'm training at all sounds ridiculous. But, I did, and I was good. Or so many have said. The people like me, and find me funny, and a good guy.

I go to shows, and I now know a handful of the wrestlers, and they know me. We converse, tell stories, etc. Even extended to Facebook, somewhat, and twitter almost completely.

I feel accepted by those in that world, and almost, dare I say, cared about? Don't mean that to sound sad, not meant that way. Just in a sense that I see people genuinely happy to see me, and want to say hi, and whatever it may be. I get that nowhere else.

So, how do I fix what needs to be? First, I have to find a better job. Something stable, and not as full of childish bullshit as I have now. I know, all jobs tend to suck, in one way or another. But, the amount of unprofessionalism that I/we deal with on a daily basis is uncalled for.

I feel that if I can find that magic job, that pays me at least what I make now, that maybe is a little more fun, or important. Plus the all important having nights available to train, would help wonders.

I need my life to start, as it's stalled in this mud puddle for par too long, and the leaches are killing me.