It's Not Suicidal Dreams, it's the Realization of Nothing

Touchy wording, yes, but, something that's been on my mind all week, and, oddly enough, it was even part of a story on the show Louie. Synchronicity I suppose.

See, I pride myself on being pretty real. No one likes it, most days, but in a sense they respect that that's me.

So, here's my mindset lately.

I have surpassed the feeling of "I don't know what I'm doing/to do with my life" to, "I don't know if I really care now"

Let me expand.

For the longest time, I've had no dreams. Nothing non-generic. Sure, I'd love to have a family, live in a nice house, and lead a decent life.

But, what does that mean? What is life?

I feel I know a good deal about me, what I want, what I don't. But, it's that what I want that troubles me.

I don't feel like I want anything really.

I have no real desire to be rich, of make a 6 figure salary. Unless it was with something I love.

But, here's wall number 2. What do I love? As far as something that could be turned for a profit.

I do love my new wrestling stories, the people I have met are all awesome, and fun. But, even so, I have a feeling that I would like to go back to training. But, I know that there isn't a ton of money in wrestling, so, even if I got to the point of working shows, I'd still need a "regular" job. It's that regular job part that irks me.

Apparently, according to Best Buy policy for part time workers (since they fail to communicate what is "required" for full time employees to me) part time people need to be completely open Friday-Sunday. Then, open at least 2 morning, and 2 evening shifts during the week.

Mind you, this is for part time, who are only really supposed to be scheduled 20-26 hours a week anyway.

So, let's say you're going to school. Well, looks like you have to have one set of classes at night, and one in the morning. But, with that, you'd probably still be screwed, because they want you to work when they say, and then maybe, just maybe they'll allow you to better yourself.

See, with that being part time "expectations" I could only imagine the full time ones.

So, instead of trying to get a store to work well with what they have, they just restrict you from trying to do anything else, unless they say it's OK.

Doesn't sound so great to me!

So, I've already gone on about my hatred for retail, and just societal work in general. Enough on that, until they shove the dick further up our collective asses.

So, back on topic. What does one do when one doesn't really feel passionate about something?

Let's look at my personal life. In the last 2 years, the only person I have gone on a date with, is my ex. Stupid move in the end, but it seemed right at the time. Also, I think it had to be done. There was a fucked up sense of closure for me.

Since then, not one. Not for lack of trying through personal sites, and even a couple attempts at going out with a girl at work. Those failed, obviously.

I used to live my life from moment to moment. The anticipation of an upcoming show. Vacation time, birthday, holidays, etc. But, I almost don't even care about that anymore either.

Holidays are meaningless to me. All it is is people coming over here, being annoying, even when I'm far away. I don't miss my family, because I have never been away from them, nor do I care about the complaints they have.

Plus, it's not like Thanksgiving of Xmas can mean much, with the way they work us to the bone at work. Oh, we get a half day off for Thanksgiving, because we have to be up at the ass crack of this evening to set up for the clusterfuck that is Black Friday? Super!

Then Christmas falls under my above complaint.

So, at the end of the day, it's not that I have any desire to die, I just really can't find a real reason to live. If that makes sense.