Jeg ønsker å bli Ferdig

I'm not sure where to go now. I've fought a lot to try to move my life forward. Within the course of a month, or two, it seemed two great opportunities came into my life. One, due to circumstances I can't control at the moment, was a sure thing, but I had to step aside. The jury is still out whether or not I dodged a bullet on this one, but for the short term it would have meant a lot more money (well, relatively speaking) and a step up.

On the other side, something as close to perfection as I've ever found. Sure, I could be seeing it all rosy and sparkly, and missing bigger issues. But, for the most part, this was the closest to exactly what I've looked for in ages. But it's just out of reach, may very well be permanently out of reach. This is a wait and see proposition though, so, I'll do just that. 

So, that leaves me with "what now?"

Yes, there are issues I'm currently, still, dealing with. Going forward will be a continuation of my efforts to chip those down until they're gone. There is still a long, steep road ahead. But, then what? 

Then what, indeed.

Villainy in the Times of Man

Something I've joked about... often... over the years, and have actually put thought into, when it was a topic on my mind. Villainy.

Let me step back, just a second here. Have you ever been asked "If you could have any super power, what would it be?" or something similar to that? I think most people have, or, at least, have heard of it... maybe just thought, on your own "Man, it'd be cool to fly, have xray vision" whatever the case may be.

So, my big semi-joke when talking on this, is that whatever power I had, I know I'd end up using it for "bad".Between that and my many actual thoughts, and comments on society, how the world works.. or doesn't, etc have led me to believe that I am, at least 50% but I'd bet more, villain.

Don't get me wrong, I'm in no way saying I'm an evil person. I'm not saying I'd go out and blindly murder, or harm others just for jollies. But, I have a view of good/evil that is different from the generic views.

Think about it, with some exceptions, of course, are villains really "evil"? Let's step away from the super hero/super villain archetype for a moment.... just think of some every day kinds of things.

Have you ever been cut off in traffic, and thought that guy is an asshole? I'm not saying driving crazy isn't an asshole move, but, how do we know he/she's not on their way to see a hurt, or dying family member? Or some other kind of emergency?

Sure, you shouldn't drive recklessly, because in the end the time you save is marginal. But, still, we all have done it at some point.

That's just a stupid example, but, think about it. "Evil" in many ways is just a form of selfishness. Again, I'm not talking about those who go out, kidnap, rape, torture, bomb, etc. This is just the general sense of what we see as villainy. And I don't recall many instances where such crimes are ever represented as villainy (even though they can be called that just as easy)

Where am I going with this? I think I've forgotten....

My main point, is that in many senses, I view myself as someone who could, very easily, be considered a villain. I don't see how I fit in this world, as we're "supposed" to anyway. I hate congestion, loathe big cities. Many instances, I just hate dealing with people, because they either get in my way, or halt my movement towards something in life. 

Some men just want to watch the world burn, they say.

Those are some of my favorite movies, and stories.

For British Eyes Only

It's been an odd time in my life, observing what I do. I really do feel like someone who's not participating in, but instead, watching the humans I am linked to. Be it friends, family, what have you.

I find myself being annoyed more often, but I appreciate that at least one friend is trying to reach out. Even if I don't need to hear some of the overly descriptive stuff he says. I'd rather have to squirm through that, than have no contact at all.... which is what my life is now. Not that it's really that different, but, yeah.

Speaking of this friend, sometimes when I observe our times out, whatever we're doing, I'm starting to think I don't know how to be a person, or, maybe he doesn't. I'm leaning towards thinking it's me.

He seems to get near orgasmic enjoyment out of all food, any form of cute girl, and shitting. Now, as much as I love food, food is food. I use it to try to fill that endless hole in my soul, that's it's function. I'm not sure if it's just exaggeration, or, am I really missing that chromosome?

Now, on to more usual things. I want to say my terrible choices in women, but, this is in that, and not. So, for the last few weeks I've been talking to this girl, all very random stuff. When I saw her pic, I thought, cute. But, since come to find out all this stuff, which makes her wholly unavailable (and with my lack of car, I hadn't really invested myself that whole heartedly into it. I considered it talking to a cute girl, and go from there.) so, my streak pretty much continues. I'm starting to think I really should stop looking, even as passively as I do. Right now I have low funds, and no car. So, what am I really going to find out there? It's only ok to have those qualities if you're a girl, cause more guys overlook that stuff. Not saying girls are all superficial, this is more logistical.

Well, that's about it. I know, nothing interesting. I just felt bad that I've not put an update up in ages.

I wish my life was more interesting, then maybe people would read this.

Love.... American Style

So, I decided to do something a little different on here for the next few posts. Instead of just ramblings of the day, I'm thinking I'll cover specific topics. Why not? Reading my posts come across as disjointed at times, and I know why, but, maybe these will be a slightly better read.

Not that anyone reads these, of course.

So, the inaugural topic, since it is that time of year, I'm starting off with sex. Sex, love, that whole shebang. 

Pun intended, naturally.

So, sex can be a complicated subject in general, but, it can be an odd one with me. Now, don't get me wrong, from what I recall of it, I'd loved it just as much as anyone else. BUT, I think between my self-image, and actual past experience, I am a bit gun shy going in for the kill.

When I was with my ex, I was made to feel like it was a bad thing. I don't believe intentionally, I fully believe it is how she was. But, you can't help but take it personally, I mean, c'mon.

Now, I'm not saying I wanted to tell everyone, and post shit, not at all. But, any little thing was such a federal case of embarrassment to her. Like I said, I'm sure it was more her insecurities, or what have you, but, there's no way in Hell I couldn't be effected by it. 

So, since then, while there have been a few random girls here or there, nothing more than a night of, sometimes, fun. I say sometimes because I seem to pick the laziest girls in the fucking world! Not all, just about half of my experiences have been just plain fucking terrible. I'll cop to the last two being more my fault, but, it goes back to the general theme of my life, me being inside my own head far too often.

So, as it stands, right this moment, it's been over 2 years since, well, anything. Even the smallest nothing, let alone anything more. To top that, it's actually been over 5 years since the last time I had good sex. This among everything lse has really been a swift kick to the ego, especially in romantic circumstances.

How am I suppose to feel like any girl would be interested, when the last ones who "were" did so much damage?

I'm just at the point where I've all but given up. Not just because of life's situational comedy that is my existence, but, why the fuck should I bother putting time into you, when you're probably going to be a piece of shit like the others?

Institute of Hypocracy

As anyone who has followed this blog, or, just skimmed the older posts knows, I am a man with a troubled soul. For the last few years my existence, and plans for the futures have been a struggle of duality.

We have the, let's call it, normal path, has always consisted of the more conventional things. Get a job, something that can be spun into a career. To be honest, that was as far as it went, because beyond that, it would be even more out of my control as to what happens.

Then, we have the inner me. The one who longs for exploration, adventure, not settling into a soul crushing routine.

While I have struggled to walk that line, to see some things through, or at least try them and mark it off my list. I now close in on the true unknown. One way or another my schooling ends this month. Even if the geniuses at my school placed me in an internship that has nothing to do with my schooling and, in fact, if it had been a place I found and pitched, it would have been denied because it doesn't meet the criteria set forth by the paperwork. I am currently at the half way point, and I literally do nothing beyond look up to see if we've gotten requested files in, and if not, try to contact the providers to follow up. 

This is not what I invested near $15,000 for. Now I'm set up to have a debt of about $9500 I'll have to pay back. So, they got their money... jokes on me I guess.

So, now that I near the end, the way things are, I'm almost sure I won't be kept on, and other than needing some form of income, I'm not that torn up. I excelled in school, and I have a lot more to offer than a useless link in a system of redundancy.

So, here are the options, and thought patterns.

1. My internship offers me a job. I already stated how I doubt this will be the case, if they do, I guess I'll plug along looking for another job as I at least get money, and feel terrible about it.

2. No spot is offered, so I go back on the job hunt. It is what it is there, not a lot of explaining to do.

3. If after a couple months there is no improvement, is it time to commit to my alternative plan? 

I won't fully explain that, people who know me well, know the basic idea. I'm sure I've talked of it on here as well. The thing is, if I do this plan, there is no coming back.... ever. This one is hard to really feel the full desire to commit to, mostly because of the fear of the unknown. The things, and people, I have here, that keep me sane, if that's what you call this, I'd miss greatly. The band, wrestling. Those things are very important to me, BUT, they don't sustain me. No fault of their own, they do exactly as they should. It's the insane amount of downtime in between, and the actual logistics of what I do that needs.... more.

While I do care about those, I have no day to day, week to week stuff that keeps me going. 

Best example, ever since I started the internship, this has been my life. 7am ish I wake up, leave to catch the bus at 8. Get out around 5-5:30p to take the bus home. That's it. While there have been a few things going on, they are all one and done. Things to try to shake up the monotony. All alone, of course.

So... if I'm going to be alone, actually alone.... what the fuck am I struggling to hang on to?

Muddled Clarity

There are times when I wish I knew who was out there. If my writing this is either entertaining someone, helping someone, maybe connecting, in some way, with any person out there.

Since it's inception, it has always been about me blowing off steam, for the most part. Mainly due to the severe lack of a real life counterpart in which to truly vent.

And to be honest, there are many, many things I don't speak of on here, most of the time for personal reasons.

I know it sounds odd, considering how personal most of my ramblings can be. But, there are some things in life that, let's be blunt, talking does nothing for.

There are those things in one's life that just are. Incidents have occurred, feelings were hurt, physical injuries, whatever the case may be. They just are, we try to get over them, suppress them, deal in which ever way we are able to.

I would hope that my words mean something, to someone out there. To me, I have re-read them, some of them, and it'll bring back a memory of what I was going through at the time. Tragedy, or triumph. Or, triumph that led to tragedy, whatever the situation.

Maybe these words are all for naught, and nobody really cares about them. I wish I knew. Whether I was inspiring someone... letting someone know that there is another pewrson dealing with some of these issues. A kindred spirit, or whatever. 

I wish I knew it mattered.

I wish I felt I could matter.

The Butterfly Effect

I was hit really hard by the tragic passing of Robin Williams yesterday.

Ever since I first read about what had happened, I haven't stopped thinking about it. Minus the drug issues he battled, we shared many of the same, let's call them, "health issues."

I grew up with him on TV, in movies. He was everywhere throughout my life. He was smart, funny, successful, but, in the end, all of that really doesn't matter, it seemed.

Depression isn't just about being down, or sad. It's more like the inability to be happy, to a point at least.

I have suffered from the same affliction for decades. The most "help" anyone ever gave me were lies, or, the generic "cheer up" as if that has any sort of relevance to the situation.

Whenever you hear stories like his, and how even through all he appeared to have, and all the joy he brought tens of millions of people, in the end, there was one person who he could not reach. Himself.

So, hearing stories such as these, it always leads me to wonder one thing; How the hell am I supposed to win the battle?

Not to completely turn his tragedy into a "look at me" situation, but, I am me, and I am forced to look at me.

He had fame, and fortune. Two things I'm not particularly interested in, but, they were there because he succeeded at something he loved.

He has his own family, wife, kids, whom he undoubtedly loved, and cherished, as I'm sure they did him. On paper he had it all, it would seem. So, how does someone like me, who really has near to nothing, survive? The thing that would disturb most people whom I know, would be the question I ask myself every so often.

Do I want to survive?

Tired

I'm tired. So tired of all of it. 

I'm tired of being disregarded as a friend, a human, a family member, just a person in general.

I find it sad that I've had to condition myself to "not care" about certain things, just to try and minimize the damage it can, and will do to me.

Those who know me know I've mentioned, at times, that no one has even tried to throw me a birthday party in, probably, 15 or so years.

I threw myself one two years in a row, only to have it stolen by a self-centered family member.

That would be bad enough, as it sits, if it weren't for the fact that there seems to be some sort of party, or gathering for any little thing for anyone else.

Hell, they don't even have to be related to us to get a party!

I'm not looking for some big blow out, but, for the love of Christ, I dated a girl for just under 8 years, who never once bothered to even try to have a small get together for me.

I never ask for much, even if I'm in dyer need of it, but, there's one day a year that you would think I'd be treated nicely, made too feel special. Right?

Far too much to ask. Far, far too much.

Now, if you know me, this would seem odd, as my birthday isn't until December. But, it's hot off the couple of recent parties. One for my ex-sister-in-laws son, who isn't the son of my brother. They have the party here. Then, one of my nieces is apparently moving, and having a kid (daughter of a half-brother I've rarely ever seen due to his criminal ways, and the girl I've not seen in, I'd say, 7-9 years by the way) At least the latter has some sort of blood relation to us.

Anyway, this all just adds fuel on the fire of why, as soon as I'm able to, I am leaving this place, and these people in my past.

A Beautiful Lie

Something I fight with, on an almost daily basis, an inner struggle with outward effects. The thought, the idea, the meaning of having passion.

People can be passionate about damn near anything. Faith, politics, music, photographs, you name it, there is someone who has thrown themselves into that 100%. For better, or for worse, they are doing something meaningful.

Even if it is something you are not profiting off of. The starving artist, hoping to sell a painting at an art walk.

The musician who records a song, and just hopes some people will like it enough to buy an album, a shirt, pay to see them play.

Then, there is me. There are things I like, things I enjoy, things I love. But, I can't put my finger on something I'm passionate about.

I tend to blame it on the time in life leading up to now, but, there are a handful of reasons behind it, none of them easy to explain, and even hard to understand at times. 

I've done things. Written music, recorded music. Played music for others. Created pieces of photoshop "art" for lack of better term, for others, to aid in their passions.

I've stepped in the ring, behind the camera, behind merch tables. That would be the closest thing to attach passion to. Whether it was touring the country, or just driving out 15 minutes to man a table, or whatever it may be.

But, even with that, it is so few, and far between, it's hard to truly enjoy it at the most.

Which is issue #2 for me, living in the moment, or, enjoying it, without having it dampened by something in the past, or knowing it'll be ending in an hour, or whatever it may be.

Let Your Dim Light Shine

I wish I had will power. True will power.

For very short spurts of time I'll eat a little better, or, at least cut out some of the worst items I'll eat.

I'll do good for a few days, a week, maybe even a month. Then I figure, I've been good, I can have, let's say, one can of soda. Or glass, whatever. But, then it'll go from one can, to one 2 liter, to one 12 pack. It's really bad.

In my mind, I am split. I eat what I eat because most of the time, it's the only happier feeling I get. That delicious chip, that tasty slice of pizza. So, if I eliminate that, or even change it just a bit too much, then what do I have left?

Then, on the flip side there is that part of me that just wants it all to end sooner than later. So, if I keep eating so shitty, at some point something in my body will give up. I've always joked, to myself, that the way I eat is a form of very slow suicide. It's hard for me to picture a bright light at the end of the tunnel I've been in for, what, a decade now? Maybe more. It really is. I still hold out that little bit of hope that if one thing changes, just enough, something will click.

Whether it be a certain job, finding some random hobby type of thing that just draws me in. Something to make me feel like this existence has a god damned point, you know?

But, maybe that's a stupid thing, in the long run, to hope for.