Spirit Journey Formation Anniversary

So.. today unceremoniously marked the beginning of year 32. What a year to forget, topped off by not much of anyone giving half a damn.

Now, going with the fact that I do nothing in life what involves friends, maybe I was naive in thinking that today would have been different than the last two months, or the next two.

But, you figure, a birthday is the one day you should get some attention, right?

I got one phone call from someone who said happy birthday, who had already texted me that as well. Two texts from family members, one of whom also showed up and said the same. Then two other people texted me the note.

Notice, only one showed up, and it wasn't actually to do anything with me, which is fine. But, yeah, Not one thing happened today, other than me sleeping, and going to 7-11.. a.k.a most any day of the year.

I seem to be the kind of guy who no one goes out of the way for. If I'm down.. ignore me. If I'm bored, make sure you constantly have other stuff to do, or, just don't answer a text.


Two years ago, I had a pretty kick ass time at a birthday party, that I threw for myself, because after years of hinting, you know, by straight saying I wanted a party. No one ever even bothered.

Last year I had another, which was bad. Just bad. I actually wished the next day I hadn't had it.

So, I decided to do nothing this year. But, as the day grew closer, I wanted to have people over/out. So, I decided, a dinner. So, the only people who showed up, were my family, whom I usually see everyday. Then one of my friends was there as well. Sure, a couple couldn't make it cause of work, that's fine. But, why can't people just say they won't make it? It courtesy really that hard, or, am I just the most amazing person in the world? I always tell people upfront, if I can't or possibly can't make it to something, I say that. Most times I'll say why too. Even if I say I'll go, then can't, I let them know.

But, not one. I sat there feeling like a big old pile of shit after about 20 minutes. Now, I don't take who came for granted but. Those are people I rarely ever go one week without seeing (as all but 3 live ion the same house, you see)

So, today. My actual birthday. I went over that list.

So, tomorrow is the party.

Mind you, it's a party at my house, but, wasn't for me. I was "allowed to add myself" to a party for my niece's friend (which is at my house, where neither of them live by the by)

So, I know of 2 people who say they're coming. There is also 2 more that made it seem like they are. 4. 31 years, and my life amounts to 4? Also, one of those 4 was coming over for the party whether it involved me or not anyway.

So, I'm planning on nothing next year. I'm tired of thinking there is something where nothing lies. Maybe if I make some decent friends at school, perhaps something with them. But, I'm just feeling too old to deal with this fucking disappointment everyday, and, on my birthday of all days as well.

The Untitled

I don't even know anymore. I always assumed really good friends would be there for you, trough thick, thin, the good and the bad. But, honestly, I can't help but look around at the lack of caring. Sure, you don't necessarily want to hang out with someone who's sad, or angry. But, guess what? Sometimes they need that release to help them out.

I've always..ALWAYS done everything I could do for my friends in need. Now, for the last few weeks, I can't help but see no one has even asked how I am doing. Was there anything going on. Or, the ever non-present "do you want to go do ____" The only person who's even shown concern, or, at least shown SOMETHING is the one person I've only been around twice, and really don't know. I would hope it's just the general anger in me right now thinking that my "friends" have all but completely abandoned me. But, you know, it's hard to not think that.

I'm just sick and tired of it. People just use me until they find their next shiny penny it seems. Maybe I'm a sucker for growing some attachment, for caring. My bad. I have learned a lot from people over the course of this year. And, at the end of the day, it has shown me just how absolutely horrible, self-centered, and pieces of shit people can be. Let's not worry about anything that has to do with Donald.. he'll still be there at some point.

Yeah, well, maybe I won't be anymore.

Friends... Romans... Country Bears?

I've been going through things lately.. a lot.. very bad ones. But, one thing I think I have learned recently.. is that for all of my friends.. I've been a horrible friend. I've been doing it all wrong this whole time, and no one ever told me! I mean, always being there when they needed, trying to cheer them up, making them laugh. Apparently that's not what I'm supposed to do. It'll be hard to retrain myself to do this correctly, but, I want to be just as good a friend to all of them as they are to me, so, I will be ever vigilant.

Thoughts....

Well, surprise surprise, another not so uppy post. If you're still reading by now, you just understand that I have a dark view of life.. especially my own.

So, I've been thinking lately, about life as usual, but, about love. I know this sounds stupid, but, sometimes you just have to air things out.

So, for a while now, if there was someone I was interested in, or, shit, if I saw a cute girl, my mind would eventually wander, as all men do, to romantic thoughts. At the very least, maybe imagine making out, whatever.

But, I'm at a point where I can't imagine that, and imagine the other party being all that into it. Just in general I do have a bad view of myself. While I know I am a great guy, etc... you still have to get passed the physical. Now, I'm no monster, but, I sure as hell wasn't gifted in any area. No full head of hair. No symmetrical face/looks, overweight. Etc. You know. So, it's almost like I couldn't imagine bothering someone who I've got eyes for.

But, on the flip side. In the last three years, as far as this area of life goes, I've been kicked in the gut so many times, I'm at a point where I'm not sure I can really open up to someone. Yes, I know you have to take that risk, no risk, no reward. but, I've just failed so miserably so many times lately... I just know how I can do it again.

Wake Up

I'm going to ride this plane out of your life again.
I wish that I could stay but you argue.
More than this I wish you could've seen my face
In backseat staring out the window.

I'll do anything for you,
Kill anyone for you.

So leave yourself intact
'Cause I will be coming back.
In a phrase to cut these lips, I love you.

The morning will come
In the press of every kiss with your head upon my chest
Where I will annoy you
With every waking breath
Until you decide to wake up.

I've earned through hope and faith
The curves around your face
That I'm the one you'll hold forever.
If morning never comes for either one of us,
Then this I pray to you wherever.

I'll do anything for you.
This story is for you.
'Cause I'd do anything you want me to... for you.
I'll do anything for you,
Kill anyone for you.

So leave yourself intact
'Cause I won't be coming back.
In a phrase to cut these lips, I loved you.

The morning will come
In the press of every kiss
With your head upon my chest where I will annoy you
With every waking breath
Until you decide to wake up.

The Burden of Being Great

I remember a time where, even if I had no real idea of what I wanted to grow up to be, to do, to go, it never mattered. I'm not so sure if it does, really, yet, but, it seems to be weighing on me a lot.

Maybe it's because my life, for lack of wanting to explain every nook and cranny of it, it's stalled... going nowhere.

Now, technically, at work I've recently been given charge of my team, to an extent, as the two above me focus on other tasks that they are charged with. Now, of course it comes with nothing other than following up, and making sure others finish tasks (which when only two of you are there for a full shift, means I'll end up doing it all anyway) But, here's the thing. I'm at a point where I'm highly doubting this will be a long term venture.. this job, not the added responsibility. I don't consider it a career... I have no real intention, at this time, to ever want to be a manager, and not even so much as a supervisor anymore. Once upon a time, yes, but, politics taught me the error of my thinking.

So, there's the professional / business side. Now.. the rest.

So, basically, ain't no chick diggin me. Now, that's not all that new. I tend to be oblivious in the ways of women, obviously. But, at least I used to have proper reasoning to delude myself into that dream would be a reality soon. ?Over the last couple years, I've had a couple such situations. But now.. nothing. Not even a little thing. No Thing.

Now yes, if I got out more, blah blah. So, what exactly does a guy who rarely drinks, doesn't fit into a "bar/club scene" and doesn't even drink coffee supposed to do? Should I just give in, and change that? Why? for someone who probably won't appreciate me as much as I should be? Fuck that. Just stay alone, without knowing the touch, caress of someone who truly cares about me? I'm not so sure that's really a choice, but, I choose no on that.

So, what the hell? When you use over a year of time, energy, and thousands of dollars in money you shouldn't have on someone you think to be a relatively sure thing... what real motivation do I have to try to start that new, with someone you have no connection with (yet)?

It's a conundrum.

New Years Resolution... in August

So.. I've been thinking a bunch lately. About life, love, work, everything. At the beginning of this year, I started looking to move out, only to find that I really can't afford to live on my own out here. To find a place, one bedroom, in the LA area under $750 a month is a great find. Most are close to $1000 a month. Well, bad thing is, I average near $1100 a month. Yeah, it blows hard.

So, I'm going to start looking (although I've found an area I'm quickly falling in love with) at areas, prices, and all that again. But, the difference this time? It may not be in the area anymore. Read below for reasons why I've stayed. I have a couple good friends... great friends.. that I never want to lose. But, at the end of the day... I may have to sacrifice everything to try and be happy. I really hope it doesn't come to that... as I've put a lot of time and effort into getting the one thing I want most in life. but, if I am denied that, I dunno if I can stay. Maybe I could leave, then come back later... I'm not sure. I wouldn't plan it that way anyway.

Karma

You know.. people tell me.. A LOT, that a reason a lot of bad happens to me, is because I think negatively. Which, OK, granted, I don't say it's stupid, because it's just as logical as anything could be. Here's the thing though. At what point do you just smile at everything bad? I've gone through times where things were good, only to have something major happen. Car breaking down / destroyed. Being dumped, having to switch jobs. Whatever it may be.

Sometimes... most times, it's hard to find a smile, when you can barely find a reason to go on anymore. No?

How Soon is Now?

So... this coming Tuesday I go to see a therapist for the first time ever. This is hopefully good, and, also makes me nervous.

I'm a relatively smart guy, and I know I have issues. On top of that, I know what 90% of them are, and where they stem from. The only thing I've yet to figure out. is how to move passed them, and not let them effect my future.

Not the only major thing in my life that may change, but, let whatever may come, come.

Soon....

Well, I figure there will be a huge life change in the next few days/week. I can already feel it... maybe it's the paranoia. But, yeah. I'm not looking forward to it.

The Golden Rule, The Broken Mold

The Golden Rule. We've all heard of it, some people follow it to the T, some follow to some extent, and some completely disregard it.

So, for the most part, I live my life by it. Not on purpose, so to speak, but, if I don't care about you, I won't bother. No one, in my world, is given respect "just because" Everyone can be considered an idiot, just because though. Most times, people will earn the idiot label way before, if ever, earning another.

So, for many of whom I consider a friend, I will go very far out of my way to do what I can to help them, cheer them up, whatever.

Whether it be lending you my last $10, taking you to a movie when you've had a bad day, or, just being there. It's what I do.. and, it's what can make me your most awesome friend.. at times.

Here's the pain though. While a couple of the friends I do have, have done stuff for me... it seems like, on the cosmic scales, I'm way ahead, and not seeming to be getting mine.

Whether it be that work just really blows, and seems pointless right now, to my love life, if you can call it that, basically being dead. Family life is probably the most depressing of all. I really just have a triple threat of crap. No matter how hard I try to improve things, there' always at lerast one thing that is completely out of my control that just mucks up the whole thing.

To Dream the Impossible Dream

Something that has always been in the back of my mind, popping up to say hi every so often, is something I don't know if I ever could do.

Have you ever seen, maybe an older TV show, a movie, something where it'll usually be a father son, or family trip perhaps, where they're driving somewhere, and stop at one of those quaint little diners, with the little slice of Americana type of people, in that type of town?

I want to find one of those. Maybe even to the extent of take a road trip.

I don't think that can happen for me, not without having a devastating effect on the rest of my life.

Whether it be lack of money, a car that won't make it, or, just whatever the life toll of the month is at the time... it just seems less, and less likely this will ever be.

It seems that the only possibility of that, would to have the family road trip. But, then, I need kids for that, and, to have kids, someone has to love me, and not be afraid of physicality. Yes, I know you can have kids without those, but, I won't.

You Win Some... You Lose Some?

So, interesting weekend. One thing after another combined to show me that at least some people aren't completely horrible in life. I still have my caution though, naturally.

Between being offered a ride to, and from work all week, if I need it, to actually having two different rides available after work today was very alien to me. Count in having my supervisor buy me lunch three times in the last week, twice coming this passed weekend. It's been very odd.

But, I can't help but feel a bit worried about the possibility of love in my life right now. I'm getting the feeling that what I have now, is as much as is wanted from me. I hope I'm wrong, but, I just can't help but feel that she wants everything you'd get from a boyfriend, minus the physical stuff, and, not being able to keep an eye out for prospects.

Who knows, I'm sure it's just cause I have too much time to think about everything, combined with the fact that I can't tell if this is a "leave the space, and wait" or "make the move already" situation. Who the hell can figure that shit out, right?

A Cautionary Tale of Numero Dos

So, here I am again. Million thoughts on my mind, but nothing profound to say.

At what point do you stop fighting for/to get something? Say it's something you really want. Whether it be a certain job, new car, what have you. Something that is always on your fingertips, but, just seems impossible to grasp. You get to a point to where you feel you've done everything within your ability to attain it, but, it still eludes you.

Do you just give up? I mean, what else can I do? I've tried so hard that it's probably backfired on me anyway. I mean, why give up more to me, when you can have pretty much everything in a relationship you want, without having to give up certain things. Am I right? Or just very confusing?

Do I just make a bold move/statement? Do I just sit back and keep waiting? Ugh.

The Pains of Management Organization

So, again, here I be.

So, I found out that now I have to wait until Monday, for work, where I'll have yet another interview, from yet ANOTHER person for the musical instruments department.

Whether I get it or not, this sort of emphasizes my biggest complaint. Our store is relocating about two blocks away (we'll be a part of the nearby mall now, as opposed to a seperate building) now, the musical department is brand new to our store. But, we open the new store August 7. Three weeks from yesterday.

So, most of us will be interviewed by the supervisor on Monday, some on Tuesday I'm imagining. So, decision by Friday, ish? So, any learning, and orientation with any new systems (like setting up lessons and whatnot) will have to be learned in the two weeks after. Mind you, while we try to get stuff ready to move to the new store.

It's retared, to say the least.

Just a random rant I felt like putting down.... Until next we meet.

I'm Under Your Spell

So, here's my first. No real reason to make up one of these. Hell, I could do this on myspace.. facebook, wherever. I just think, if someone spends the time to actually go here to see this, then it means something to me, at the very least.

So, rough week, yeah, as always. Most anyone who reads this will already know, but, hey, for posterity, right?

So, this Thursday, after work most likely I'll be going up to look into getting a "new" car. I have no money to do so, but, first, I'm gonna see if they can even finance me. From there, I'll talk trade in value on my current car, and see what's what. Prices at this place don't seem too bad, it'll be harder. Since I never seem to have money, to add another couple hundred in bills seems ridiculous... but, I know where my money goes....

Firstly, I don't count the bills, gas, stuff like that. No matter what, I'll be paying those. But, my biggest drains of money are food, naturally and my attempt at wooing the girl.

She says I don't have to do such things for her, which I do appreciate, and understand. But, on the flip side, if I do nothing, am I not just passively admitting defeat, or, just not trying, and letting another guy possibly slip in and take all I've worked for for so long? Not saying she's the kind of person who would leave me hanging on until she finds "something better" I've never thought that of her. But still, you know how it can be.

On another topic, that can be tied in, somewhat... my mom. Living with her is starting to depress me more and more every week. Just to see how pathetic a life she/we now have because she didn't even think, once, apparently, to plan for her future. I don't expect her to pay for me, in fact, with only a few exceptions, I've been paying most of my way for a while here.

Before my grandma died, we all lived rent free, because she, and my grandfather thought ahead, worked hard, and provided. My mom? not so much.

I'm all for helping out, where helping out is needed. But, yesterday, she came in my room, as she's doing way too fucking much, and asked if I had a couple dollars. I did have a single one on me, and maybe something in change, but, honestly, I had $20 to last until Friday at the time, combined. So, I never asked what she wanted, but, I'd assume cigarettes. Cause, you know, food? Beverage? Bills? nah, those are far more important that stupid vices.

To top it off, this morning, our first interaction, she tells me she took one of my cup o'noodles from my cabinet. Mind you, she didn't wait to ask me... which I'd almost always say OK, unless something was already planned. But, this is exactly why I've never left anything of mine outside my room, she knows this, and didn't give a shit, because she wanted soup, which she did not have, as opposed to a sandwich, eggs, etc, which she DOES have.

This is what has led me to be very bitter towards people in general. The constant lack of respect for me as a person, and my property as a whole. It truly makes me feel like I'm not a person, I have no feelings. I'm just something that has money, or material for others to take at their own whim.

So, the tie in? If I go get that car, with the more I'll be paying in bills, it'll be hard, if not completely impossible to move out, at any time, in the next couple years, if I stay at my current job, and current shit wages.

On the other hand, I can't not have a car. If I keep the money, and move out, I'll need transportation, not to mention, in the time I'm saving, I'll be completely stuck in this insipid house.

Of the two, I'd rather get the car now. I'm being very realistic in this. I'm not saying "I am getting a car this week/next week" but, I am actively looking, with intent to purchase, if possible. I was burned once, and I won't ever buy a car from some person off the street again.... just because I never trust the not knowing when the last time anything was serviced.

I think I'm done for now. Until next time....