The Burden of Being Great

I remember a time where, even if I had no real idea of what I wanted to grow up to be, to do, to go, it never mattered. I'm not so sure if it does, really, yet, but, it seems to be weighing on me a lot.

Maybe it's because my life, for lack of wanting to explain every nook and cranny of it, it's stalled... going nowhere.

Now, technically, at work I've recently been given charge of my team, to an extent, as the two above me focus on other tasks that they are charged with. Now, of course it comes with nothing other than following up, and making sure others finish tasks (which when only two of you are there for a full shift, means I'll end up doing it all anyway) But, here's the thing. I'm at a point where I'm highly doubting this will be a long term venture.. this job, not the added responsibility. I don't consider it a career... I have no real intention, at this time, to ever want to be a manager, and not even so much as a supervisor anymore. Once upon a time, yes, but, politics taught me the error of my thinking.

So, there's the professional / business side. Now.. the rest.

So, basically, ain't no chick diggin me. Now, that's not all that new. I tend to be oblivious in the ways of women, obviously. But, at least I used to have proper reasoning to delude myself into that dream would be a reality soon. ?Over the last couple years, I've had a couple such situations. But now.. nothing. Not even a little thing. No Thing.

Now yes, if I got out more, blah blah. So, what exactly does a guy who rarely drinks, doesn't fit into a "bar/club scene" and doesn't even drink coffee supposed to do? Should I just give in, and change that? Why? for someone who probably won't appreciate me as much as I should be? Fuck that. Just stay alone, without knowing the touch, caress of someone who truly cares about me? I'm not so sure that's really a choice, but, I choose no on that.

So, what the hell? When you use over a year of time, energy, and thousands of dollars in money you shouldn't have on someone you think to be a relatively sure thing... what real motivation do I have to try to start that new, with someone you have no connection with (yet)?

It's a conundrum.