The Butterfly Effect

You always hear stories in life, about how certain people turn out they way they do. For instance, say, growing up, you had an abusive parent. Let's say you had a father who drank too much, and either physically, or verbally abused you, a sibling, mother, or any combination.

With that scenario, you either grow up to do the same, continuing the circle of violence, and pain. Or, you turn out the opposite. Of course there are always people who find a path in the middle, but, usually you hear of the extremes.

It's hard to explain my childhood, and not just because I can't recall most of it. I had a blah existence. I never knew my father. Mother worked, usually 9-6ish jobs. So, it was my grandparents who took me to school, picked me up, and all that. We've, realistically, never been a truly close family.

I'm not here today to talk about that, so much, this is my blog, and this is about me.

So. Yeah. Growing up that way, there are times that I do recall, and it was usually times that are on the negative side, of course. Times when it seemed like choices just skipped me. My next youngest sibling is my sister, who is ten years older than I, for those who don't know. So, by the time I really could be a coherent human, she was a teenager, so, no one near my age. That was what it was. So, her daughter, my niece, is only 8 years younger than I. So, I have more memories of her and I, than my siblings. 

So, let's throw out a for instance.

We used to do something every summer, for summer vacation. Nothing cool like family trips, just trips to Disneyland, Knotts, some amusement park more often than not.

So, forgetting a bunch of details, I remember one year it was up to us where we went. I said one place, my niece said another, and they picked hers. It's the only time I recall us having real input on where we'd go... and I was ignored. This is how I view my life, in a nutshell.

So, with that kind of cold, and somewhat negligent upbringing (trust me, there is much, much more. But, I'm not going into it now, perhaps pieces will, or have come out before) I have never, ever, felt like I amount to anything.

I've had people tell me how appreciative they are of me, how much I've made their lives easier in some instances. Lots of praise for things. But, thanks to how I grew up, I'm so fucking damaged, I get no real enjoyment from life. I actually, almost hate being alive.

Sometimes you hear the "what if" question. If you could change one thing, etc. I have multiple answers. If I could go back and change something in my life, I would have pursued wrestling at 17, like I wanted, before I was basically laughed at for asking to look into schools.

But, when I really sit down, and think.... if there was one thing I could truly, honest to God change about my life. It would be me having one. 

I know there wasn't any plan on me being born. I know I was an accident. It happens. But... for any good I've brought this world. Laughs with friends, helping someone out, being the right guy at the time for whatever the situation was. I hate my life. Some of it is attributed to how I was raised, yes, of course, that laid the groundwork for who I am. But, I've fucked it up pretty bad. In some ways, beyond real, true repair.

I really don't know how much longer I care to fight for it. I am trying, some things have fallen my way, sort of. Kinda in the way that the shit hit the fan, and you got it all over you, but, hey, it didn't fly in your mouth! Kind of way, if that makes sense.

I feel worthless, meaningless. Just a burden on others, which I am reminded of on a weekly basis, if not more often. I am my harshest critic. I am the villain in my story... and sometimes I feel like the Grim Reaper is meant to be the hero....

What am I Fighting For?

I need a vent, a real, true vent. But, there is nothing tangible to aide in this release.

so, I figure, why not go here, and bitch some more. It doesn't completely help, but, it doesn't really hurt to do it either. So, let me uncork my skull, and leak some brain damage on this screen.

I am trying, I am fighting to live. In ways, at least. There still is that small ponytail of hope residing in the deepest part of my being. Maybe things will start falling into place, leading me from the depths of the dark darkness that I inhabit. But, on the flip side, that darkness is such a part of me, what if there really isn't a me without it?

To anyone who may read this, now, in the future, whenever. Let me throw this question, or these questions out.. since I tend to go one way, and stumble off a path or three.

Have you ever awaken, and have been upset that you've done so?

No, I don't mean the usual "dammit, I don't want to go to work" or, car alarms woke you up. I mean, as it, dammit, I have to go through another day. Can you actually imagine what that is like? I can. It's just about the worst feeling you can have, or, well, I, at least.

In so many ways, I hate being alive. My life is meaningless... utterly pointless. Very little direction. What direction there is, is just a fog of "ooh, that could be cool if..."

There are many people whom I care about, love being with. Share so many laughs, good times, struggles what have you. But, I've asked myself this many times, more so recently, but, I'm sure I've thought it before.

What am I fighting for? 

I don't fear dying, or death. I understand it, I know it will happen, whether it be natural causes at 90, a bus hits me at 35. Whatever, it is inevitable. But, what's the point of me living? All I really do is take up space. nothing is advancing my life, I have very little idea on what to do to advance it.

but, then the idea creeps in, what if i go to school, get some kind of degree, get that job, but, then feel the same? 

I just don't know. I suppose I'll keep trying, whatever. I'll stop here, because anything else will be too self deprecating.

Motivation and Determination

Two things that seem to really lack in my life.

Sometimes I feel like one of those really good non-stick pans, and things like these are just the eggs sliding around.

There are things I'd like to have in life, as a life, for a life. But, I don't seem to really care enough to stick to anything.

Currently jobless, I started to think. You know, at least I could walk around some, try to steady what I eat, etc. Things that could lead to better health, whatever else may come. The thing is, it seems like part of me doesn't want that.

For many years, here or there, I would joke about slowly killing myself with what, and how I eat. Maybe I was never really kidding. There are so few things that bring real, palpable joy in my life, than certain foods. Not things I'll eat everyday, nor every week. Well, in some cases, not every week.

So, like a few other things in life, my eating habits are a bad habit that I can't seem to really break. 

It is a vicious cycle at times. I'm always tired, and lethargic because of what I eat. But, what I eat brings me that little glimmer of joy.

Now, if I ate differently, maybe I'd find better foods that do the same, or better. But, what if I don't? What if I sacrifice the one true joy I have, for better health, possibly a longer life. A life that I'd have no joy in?

This is a partial thought process... and once again, I felt like talking, and here I am, talking to nothingness.

Back in Black

I have no idea what to say.

Yeah, I know, why would I be on here if that were actually true.

It's true in the sense that I know I need to talk, to vent, to find some sort of release for how I've been feeling. God I wish I had one. Something that truly cleanses me. Something I can go to once in a while, when I need it.

Some people have working out. Sports, drinking, whatever it may be. I don't seem to have anything like that.. not that seems to really do justice. So, I come here. A place that, let's be honest, no one really reads. Maybe one or two people. I've yet to understand what the stats on these pages really mean in the end.

Anyway, enough preamble.

Life sucks. New, I know, but it does. There is so much stress. Between needing to find a job asa-yesterday, to doing what I can dealing with my mom's illness, and what fallout comes from that. This is a lonely world I live in.

Who do I have to go to, really, to unload, seek guidance, anything? I don't.

Don't get me wrong, I have some great friends. In a lot of cases, though, we're not friends who talk on those kinds of levels. Whether it's because we only see each other once a month, twice a month, once every few months, etc. I've always been the kind to say fuck it, to real deep shit, because I'm trying to enjoy my time with others.

So, between all of that, some personal stuff I wish to not get into on here, and this weekend.... it's been pretty rough.

As for this weekend, by that I really just mean Sunday...

Father's day.

Now, I posted this on facebook, but, to add it here. I've never really cared about father's day, since, well, I never had one. It's always been whatever it is, just as day. Sometimes it bummed me out, sometimes it didn't.

But, this is the first one since knowing of my father's passing. I never assumed I'd meet him, know him, or anything. In fact, other than not having one, I've already been scarred by the not having one around, so, what other damage could really happen?

Well, I've just had these mixed feelings, which come at a time where I've been very, very depressed for a while now. Now it's a bit more real, that I'll never see him. I'll never meet him, get any kind of closure in that area.

UI suppose deep down I had wanted that, just something to close an open chapter in my life. This is why I'm mixed about it, because I don't fully get it.

Beyond that, I still lead a very sad, passionless existence. I'm being real here. I want it to be better, I still have a sliver of hope that it will. I'm trying. I've even tried to start up one of those 1 year, 2 year, 5 year plan things. Not so much a bucket list, just something with maybe some structure to it, some sort of game plan. But, even with that, if I can't get a job soon, that sets me back even further, and kicks me, not only when I'm down, but actually shoves me in a mud puddle to boot.

Family Portrait

Well, what an odd half-week it's been.


first, a few days back, I get a random facebook friend request from some lady. I see no mutual friends or anything, so, I just ignore it. I figure, if it's someone I know, they'll message me.


Forgetting about that, moving on with life as it has been, I get a message a day later. This person claims to be my cousin, and my dad is sick in the hospital.


So, it goes back and forth a bit, obviously me assuming it's the wrong Donald Adkins (as I have searched, and there are a few.) So, back and forth, back and forth. I feel bad for their loss, but, even if it is my dad, I never knew him, so, why should I believe them?


The only thing I was even asked for was just to be there to release the body to them, so they could do what they need to. They won't release a body unless you  are related, so, apparently that fell upon me.


Anyway, after some questions of her, and my mom, I find out it is, indeed my father.. who has now passed.


I don't feel sad, as I have never met him, beyond being a small child. One year he send a $20 bill, and that was all the communication we ever had.


So, now, all of a sudden, I'm faced with the actual fact of knowing my father is dead (and apparently lived out in, or near Riverside) I have a cousin, who lives in Chicago, and, apparently another half-brother.


I'm not going to say it changes anything, cause, it really doesn't, in a sense. But, we'll see what happens from here.

Damage Inc

Reflecting back on my life, my younger life, as I do once in a while, I always wish I had one "incident" That one thing that fucked me up. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it in a good way, more of a "if I could deal with, and get passed that, then I can grow"

I don't have that.. or, if I did it fucked me up so bad that I completely blocked it, and it still haunts me, which I seriously doubt. Most of my life has been pretty uneventful, especially in that realm.

I mean, I still have some shell shock from my car crash, which was almost 10 years ago. I definitely drive 100% more defensively than I did then, and I was pretty defensive then!

But, the whole confidence thing, I have no idea why it's so lacking in me. I have suspicions, but, nothing really concrete. I was just always in a way, a frame of mind that told me I wasn't popular, wanted, etc.

I had friends in school, but, as soon as I left, I kept in touch with almost no one, because no one kept in touch with me.

It seems like, when I've brought that up to people, that it's almost made out to be my fault somehow. Saying that maybe I didn't try to keep in touch, which I call bull on. Even now, with people I've worked with, befriended through whatever media. If I invite them to do something, 9 times out of 10 they don't even bother to respond now, let alone take a second and say they can't on this day cause their busy.

see, in my world, if someone invited me to something, say just out to eat, on a day where I was busy, I usually say something like "I have to do something that day, but I'm free on this day/these days" to me that seems the friendly thing, no? You got to me late, because I have a prior engagement, but, let's hang out at this time, if you are free. But, I rarely, if ever have gotten that same consideration.

So, the second issue with that, is my lack of ever really doing things. It's hard to invite people to do something, when most of the something I do is sit at home and watch TV, or something of that sort.

I've gone off on a tangent here. That's another issue, for another day when I need to vent on that crap.

I know in order for my life to improve, and for my feelings on me to get better, I have to make small steps. Small victories that build up my faith in me, and my momentum to attempt bigger things, more important things.

But, even with that, the smaller victories I have had over the last 6 months, almost always end up with me in a worse spot than before it began. Not always, but, most times.

Even if it ends up for the best, it's still a shot that leaves the damage.

Just Watch the Fireworks

I have rarely been one to really let someone peer deep into my inner workings. Sure, it may seem like it here, but, this is almost always day-to-day week-to-week kinds of stuff, thoughts, dreams, etc.

This time, I'm going to admit something that is somewhat horrible, to me at least. People will view it as they view it.

I think we've all gathered by now that I don't feel loved. I know some say what some say, and I appreciate it, and believe it. But, it doesn't feel like anything, since no one is ever around. I don't have that regular outing with anyone, or a regular group who does things. It's usually just me, by myself.

So, that's already known. But, after watching a movie earlier, it brought back memories of feelings.. if that's a thing.

There has been many... many times in my life where I wished I had something wrong with me.. some real, tangible disease. Not necessarily a completely life threatening one, but, something bad. Because then, if even for one day, I could feel special, truly cared about. People might visit me, stop by and see how I am.. not what I can do for them.. or, worst of all, never show.

I haven't thought about that in a while, to my recollection at least. But, in a sense, the sentiment remains.

A few years back I threw myself a birthday party (because no one else ever will, it seems) the first one was pretty good. fun times were had, and all that. So, the next year I did it again. It was OK, for a minute, until the entire night was stolen by someone else.. who made the night about them. 

I know I'm not the life of the party, I don't light up rooms when I enter. I get that. But, at the same time, that was horrible. 

so, I had decided no more parties. So, the next year came, and I wasn't planning on anything, but my niece was going to throw a party for her friend, who's birthday is the day after mine. So, we ended up doing a double party. I had a few people show up for me, which I appreciated. But, still, once again, it wasn't a day for me.

So, with that, it sealed the fate of me throwing birthday parties.. Shit, it's tough to get more than 5 people for a regular party!

So, the next year came, and it happened that Jimmy eat World were in town playing a show that night. So, I drove out to Ventura, alone, to see the show. It was great, a pain of a drive, but, it was better than thinking the night was going to be for me.

Then 2011 came along, and PWG happened to run a show that night, so, boom, one year in Ventura, the next in Reseda. At least there were people I knew there, whom I don't see often.. and actually, some I've not seen since! (since I haven't been back to a show since.)

So, cut to last month. No such luck on a concert, or a wrestling show. It was a Monday after all. So, I went out and bought a DVD, I think, or something like that. Bought some 7-11 buffalo wings, and came home. That was my birthday. 

It's been, at least, 4 years if not longer, since I've even had a birthday cake!

I'm not extraordinary, or anything special like that. So, there really is only a 1 chance in 365/366 that I can feel like anything is about me, as life is now... and it's been 5 years since I felt that, even in a small amount.

Now, I did have two going away parties when I tried to.. er.. go away. hah. One was with people I really didn't know. The second was at my place, and it was fun, and cool, but it was really subdued, and laid back. Which makes sense, since I'm so much like that.

I just want to feel like I matter. Not like I'm just there, or so easily tossed aside.

It really, really sucks being me. I hate it. I have one great chance to change my life this year, and I've got to try and grasp it and hang on.. because, I have no idea how much longer I can call this an existence.

Cries for Help and #NobodieCares

I utterly, and completely hate my life. I have no idea how to get out of this situation without ending up in a worse one. One way or another, this has to end. Soon.

Running out of Change

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. Yeah, I know, what's different about that, right?

I know a change needs to be made. To be made soon. Or else this can only get worse.

People thrive on change all the time. Whether it's something huge like moving, getting married, having a kid, leaving a comfortable job for something new and exciting. All the way down to simpler things, like walking the block once a day, adding more fruits of veggies to your diet, or whatever more mundane thing I couldn't think of as a better example, hah.

This "life" I have must change. I have tried, and tried. Working on little things here, small things there. My life is an extremely lonely one, in pretty much every aspect you can fathom. I'm not a big fan of going out alone, so, in the absence of anyone ever wanting to do anything, or inviting me along... I do.. nothing. I'm not laying my life's problems upon my friends. I'm not saying my life would be all candy and rainbows if I were invited out more. But, at the same time, I don't have that core group that I feel I can really rely on to bring me up whenever things get down. I try to be that guy, and ain't that great, but, I get the brownie point for effort, right?

With that being said, I do try my best to embrace the solitude. Not everyday will ever be filled with wonder, not for about 99% of people in the history of ever, I know this. But, at the same time, I repeatedly ask people if they want to do stuff, and the vast majority completely ignore my invite. I know people have busier schedules than I, and I try to leave enough wiggle room at times. But, still, just no reply. 

The worst part of that is, I don't send out a mass invite to 200 people to do something. Not at all, at most, it's 10 tops. Usually more along the lines or 4 or 5. I suppose I should take the hint, and stop inviting them. But, if I don't, then I really have no one to invite to things. That's just not acceptable to me.

I know my darkness is off-putting, and people don't want to deal with their own problems, let alone someone elses. But, at the same time, I've never asked anyone to deal with my problems. There may be times when I may ask an opinion, or perhaps what they may do about something. But, that's very rare of me to do.

One of the biggest problems with me, is letting go. I want to believe that when someone says I'm important, that that words means more the the subtext of being important right this second, and not any others. Which, unfortunately, leads me to being betrayed, and confused about how people act.

I used to hear about that stupid "golden rule" all the time. For the most part, I treat people like I'd like to be treated. So, either I treat people shitty, and don't notice I am, or, I'm supposed to be an asshole to everyone else. 

Another thing I hate hearing, is when someone says they care. Especially when I'm having a particularly bad time. I'll get these someone loves you, we care, etc. My problem? While I know there are a handful of those whom care, truly do, I hold firm that actions speak louder than words. And inaction is the loudest scream of all.

I do know people who care, but due to distance, it's not viable to hang out very often, if really ever. I will never hold that against them. But, I also can't believe that nobody I know ever does anything, ever. Or does anything that can't include me once in a blue moon. 

I have been told, once or twice. If I want to hang out, invite someone. Fair, and good point. My problem is, I don't do anything. Then we have the bowling example from earlier. It's been such a long, hard road of this that the majority of the time I do make any kind of plan to go somewhere, I plan it as a solo outing, because I know no one can go, or will get back to me before it's time to go.

I don't want this to come off completely negatively towards my friends. I care in my own ways for each, whether it be a good friend, a casual acquaintance, whatever our relationship is, it is what is is for reasons that molded it.

I need to find a passion, something that takes my mind away from all of this, and I can direct my energies towards. What? I have barely a clue. It should be an interesting first quarter of 2013. Once the next Spence tour is over with, big decisions need to be made. I have an idea or two in mind, but they need to be fleshed out more. It may lead to a betterment of myself, or, it will lead to the demise of anything possible.

It is my life. My fucked up, sad, sorry excuse for a life. It needs to change, or be done with. And I'm pretty close to running out of change.

Sines of a Tangent

I think I've come to realize, after much inward thought, and reflection. The one thing I long for, the thing I want most, is something real. Something tangible. Whether that be a drive, a passion to do something, some sort of job, career, what have you. Or anything.

I really haven't that one thing to really cling to. There are a couple things worth keeping a grasp on, but, it's really fading pretty fast. I'm in a bad, bad way. In a very bad spot. And the only logical way out, seems such a horribly dead ending job, yet again. Never being anything worth anything.

Perhaps it is my destiny, my place in life to be insignificant, or, at least left to feel as such.