I need a vent, a real, true vent. But, there is nothing tangible to aide in this release.
so, I figure, why not go here, and bitch some more. It doesn't completely help, but, it doesn't really hurt to do it either. So, let me uncork my skull, and leak some brain damage on this screen.
I am trying, I am fighting to live. In ways, at least. There still is that small ponytail of hope residing in the deepest part of my being. Maybe things will start falling into place, leading me from the depths of the dark darkness that I inhabit. But, on the flip side, that darkness is such a part of me, what if there really isn't a me without it?
To anyone who may read this, now, in the future, whenever. Let me throw this question, or these questions out.. since I tend to go one way, and stumble off a path or three.
Have you ever awaken, and have been upset that you've done so?
No, I don't mean the usual "dammit, I don't want to go to work" or, car alarms woke you up. I mean, as it, dammit, I have to go through another day. Can you actually imagine what that is like? I can. It's just about the worst feeling you can have, or, well, I, at least.
In so many ways, I hate being alive. My life is meaningless... utterly pointless. Very little direction. What direction there is, is just a fog of "ooh, that could be cool if..."
There are many people whom I care about, love being with. Share so many laughs, good times, struggles what have you. But, I've asked myself this many times, more so recently, but, I'm sure I've thought it before.
What am I fighting for?
I don't fear dying, or death. I understand it, I know it will happen, whether it be natural causes at 90, a bus hits me at 35. Whatever, it is inevitable. But, what's the point of me living? All I really do is take up space. nothing is advancing my life, I have very little idea on what to do to advance it.
but, then the idea creeps in, what if i go to school, get some kind of degree, get that job, but, then feel the same?
I just don't know. I suppose I'll keep trying, whatever. I'll stop here, because anything else will be too self deprecating.
so, I figure, why not go here, and bitch some more. It doesn't completely help, but, it doesn't really hurt to do it either. So, let me uncork my skull, and leak some brain damage on this screen.
I am trying, I am fighting to live. In ways, at least. There still is that small ponytail of hope residing in the deepest part of my being. Maybe things will start falling into place, leading me from the depths of the dark darkness that I inhabit. But, on the flip side, that darkness is such a part of me, what if there really isn't a me without it?
To anyone who may read this, now, in the future, whenever. Let me throw this question, or these questions out.. since I tend to go one way, and stumble off a path or three.
Have you ever awaken, and have been upset that you've done so?
No, I don't mean the usual "dammit, I don't want to go to work" or, car alarms woke you up. I mean, as it, dammit, I have to go through another day. Can you actually imagine what that is like? I can. It's just about the worst feeling you can have, or, well, I, at least.
In so many ways, I hate being alive. My life is meaningless... utterly pointless. Very little direction. What direction there is, is just a fog of "ooh, that could be cool if..."
There are many people whom I care about, love being with. Share so many laughs, good times, struggles what have you. But, I've asked myself this many times, more so recently, but, I'm sure I've thought it before.
What am I fighting for?
I don't fear dying, or death. I understand it, I know it will happen, whether it be natural causes at 90, a bus hits me at 35. Whatever, it is inevitable. But, what's the point of me living? All I really do is take up space. nothing is advancing my life, I have very little idea on what to do to advance it.
but, then the idea creeps in, what if i go to school, get some kind of degree, get that job, but, then feel the same?
I just don't know. I suppose I'll keep trying, whatever. I'll stop here, because anything else will be too self deprecating.
No comments:
Post a Comment