I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. Yeah, I know, what's different about that, right?
I know a change needs to be made. To be made soon. Or else this can only get worse.
People thrive on change all the time. Whether it's something huge like moving, getting married, having a kid, leaving a comfortable job for something new and exciting. All the way down to simpler things, like walking the block once a day, adding more fruits of veggies to your diet, or whatever more mundane thing I couldn't think of as a better example, hah.
This "life" I have must change. I have tried, and tried. Working on little things here, small things there. My life is an extremely lonely one, in pretty much every aspect you can fathom. I'm not a big fan of going out alone, so, in the absence of anyone ever wanting to do anything, or inviting me along... I do.. nothing. I'm not laying my life's problems upon my friends. I'm not saying my life would be all candy and rainbows if I were invited out more. But, at the same time, I don't have that core group that I feel I can really rely on to bring me up whenever things get down. I try to be that guy, and ain't that great, but, I get the brownie point for effort, right?
With that being said, I do try my best to embrace the solitude. Not everyday will ever be filled with wonder, not for about 99% of people in the history of ever, I know this. But, at the same time, I repeatedly ask people if they want to do stuff, and the vast majority completely ignore my invite. I know people have busier schedules than I, and I try to leave enough wiggle room at times. But, still, just no reply.
The worst part of that is, I don't send out a mass invite to 200 people to do something. Not at all, at most, it's 10 tops. Usually more along the lines or 4 or 5. I suppose I should take the hint, and stop inviting them. But, if I don't, then I really have no one to invite to things. That's just not acceptable to me.
I know my darkness is off-putting, and people don't want to deal with their own problems, let alone someone elses. But, at the same time, I've never asked anyone to deal with my problems. There may be times when I may ask an opinion, or perhaps what they may do about something. But, that's very rare of me to do.
One of the biggest problems with me, is letting go. I want to believe that when someone says I'm important, that that words means more the the subtext of being important right this second, and not any others. Which, unfortunately, leads me to being betrayed, and confused about how people act.
I used to hear about that stupid "golden rule" all the time. For the most part, I treat people like I'd like to be treated. So, either I treat people shitty, and don't notice I am, or, I'm supposed to be an asshole to everyone else.
Another thing I hate hearing, is when someone says they care. Especially when I'm having a particularly bad time. I'll get these someone loves you, we care, etc. My problem? While I know there are a handful of those whom care, truly do, I hold firm that actions speak louder than words. And inaction is the loudest scream of all.
I do know people who care, but due to distance, it's not viable to hang out very often, if really ever. I will never hold that against them. But, I also can't believe that nobody I know ever does anything, ever. Or does anything that can't include me once in a blue moon.
I have been told, once or twice. If I want to hang out, invite someone. Fair, and good point. My problem is, I don't do anything. Then we have the bowling example from earlier. It's been such a long, hard road of this that the majority of the time I do make any kind of plan to go somewhere, I plan it as a solo outing, because I know no one can go, or will get back to me before it's time to go.
I don't want this to come off completely negatively towards my friends. I care in my own ways for each, whether it be a good friend, a casual acquaintance, whatever our relationship is, it is what is is for reasons that molded it.
I need to find a passion, something that takes my mind away from all of this, and I can direct my energies towards. What? I have barely a clue. It should be an interesting first quarter of 2013. Once the next Spence tour is over with, big decisions need to be made. I have an idea or two in mind, but they need to be fleshed out more. It may lead to a betterment of myself, or, it will lead to the demise of anything possible.
It is my life. My fucked up, sad, sorry excuse for a life. It needs to change, or be done with. And I'm pretty close to running out of change.
I know a change needs to be made. To be made soon. Or else this can only get worse.
People thrive on change all the time. Whether it's something huge like moving, getting married, having a kid, leaving a comfortable job for something new and exciting. All the way down to simpler things, like walking the block once a day, adding more fruits of veggies to your diet, or whatever more mundane thing I couldn't think of as a better example, hah.
This "life" I have must change. I have tried, and tried. Working on little things here, small things there. My life is an extremely lonely one, in pretty much every aspect you can fathom. I'm not a big fan of going out alone, so, in the absence of anyone ever wanting to do anything, or inviting me along... I do.. nothing. I'm not laying my life's problems upon my friends. I'm not saying my life would be all candy and rainbows if I were invited out more. But, at the same time, I don't have that core group that I feel I can really rely on to bring me up whenever things get down. I try to be that guy, and ain't that great, but, I get the brownie point for effort, right?
With that being said, I do try my best to embrace the solitude. Not everyday will ever be filled with wonder, not for about 99% of people in the history of ever, I know this. But, at the same time, I repeatedly ask people if they want to do stuff, and the vast majority completely ignore my invite. I know people have busier schedules than I, and I try to leave enough wiggle room at times. But, still, just no reply.
The worst part of that is, I don't send out a mass invite to 200 people to do something. Not at all, at most, it's 10 tops. Usually more along the lines or 4 or 5. I suppose I should take the hint, and stop inviting them. But, if I don't, then I really have no one to invite to things. That's just not acceptable to me.
I know my darkness is off-putting, and people don't want to deal with their own problems, let alone someone elses. But, at the same time, I've never asked anyone to deal with my problems. There may be times when I may ask an opinion, or perhaps what they may do about something. But, that's very rare of me to do.
One of the biggest problems with me, is letting go. I want to believe that when someone says I'm important, that that words means more the the subtext of being important right this second, and not any others. Which, unfortunately, leads me to being betrayed, and confused about how people act.
I used to hear about that stupid "golden rule" all the time. For the most part, I treat people like I'd like to be treated. So, either I treat people shitty, and don't notice I am, or, I'm supposed to be an asshole to everyone else.
Another thing I hate hearing, is when someone says they care. Especially when I'm having a particularly bad time. I'll get these someone loves you, we care, etc. My problem? While I know there are a handful of those whom care, truly do, I hold firm that actions speak louder than words. And inaction is the loudest scream of all.
I do know people who care, but due to distance, it's not viable to hang out very often, if really ever. I will never hold that against them. But, I also can't believe that nobody I know ever does anything, ever. Or does anything that can't include me once in a blue moon.
I have been told, once or twice. If I want to hang out, invite someone. Fair, and good point. My problem is, I don't do anything. Then we have the bowling example from earlier. It's been such a long, hard road of this that the majority of the time I do make any kind of plan to go somewhere, I plan it as a solo outing, because I know no one can go, or will get back to me before it's time to go.
I don't want this to come off completely negatively towards my friends. I care in my own ways for each, whether it be a good friend, a casual acquaintance, whatever our relationship is, it is what is is for reasons that molded it.
I need to find a passion, something that takes my mind away from all of this, and I can direct my energies towards. What? I have barely a clue. It should be an interesting first quarter of 2013. Once the next Spence tour is over with, big decisions need to be made. I have an idea or two in mind, but they need to be fleshed out more. It may lead to a betterment of myself, or, it will lead to the demise of anything possible.
It is my life. My fucked up, sad, sorry excuse for a life. It needs to change, or be done with. And I'm pretty close to running out of change.
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