I have rarely been one to really let someone peer deep into my inner workings. Sure, it may seem like it here, but, this is almost always day-to-day week-to-week kinds of stuff, thoughts, dreams, etc.
This time, I'm going to admit something that is somewhat horrible, to me at least. People will view it as they view it.
I think we've all gathered by now that I don't feel loved. I know some say what some say, and I appreciate it, and believe it. But, it doesn't feel like anything, since no one is ever around. I don't have that regular outing with anyone, or a regular group who does things. It's usually just me, by myself.
So, that's already known. But, after watching a movie earlier, it brought back memories of feelings.. if that's a thing.
There has been many... many times in my life where I wished I had something wrong with me.. some real, tangible disease. Not necessarily a completely life threatening one, but, something bad. Because then, if even for one day, I could feel special, truly cared about. People might visit me, stop by and see how I am.. not what I can do for them.. or, worst of all, never show.
I haven't thought about that in a while, to my recollection at least. But, in a sense, the sentiment remains.
A few years back I threw myself a birthday party (because no one else ever will, it seems) the first one was pretty good. fun times were had, and all that. So, the next year I did it again. It was OK, for a minute, until the entire night was stolen by someone else.. who made the night about them.
I know I'm not the life of the party, I don't light up rooms when I enter. I get that. But, at the same time, that was horrible.
so, I had decided no more parties. So, the next year came, and I wasn't planning on anything, but my niece was going to throw a party for her friend, who's birthday is the day after mine. So, we ended up doing a double party. I had a few people show up for me, which I appreciated. But, still, once again, it wasn't a day for me.
So, with that, it sealed the fate of me throwing birthday parties.. Shit, it's tough to get more than 5 people for a regular party!
So, the next year came, and it happened that Jimmy eat World were in town playing a show that night. So, I drove out to Ventura, alone, to see the show. It was great, a pain of a drive, but, it was better than thinking the night was going to be for me.
Then 2011 came along, and PWG happened to run a show that night, so, boom, one year in Ventura, the next in Reseda. At least there were people I knew there, whom I don't see often.. and actually, some I've not seen since! (since I haven't been back to a show since.)
So, cut to last month. No such luck on a concert, or a wrestling show. It was a Monday after all. So, I went out and bought a DVD, I think, or something like that. Bought some 7-11 buffalo wings, and came home. That was my birthday.
It's been, at least, 4 years if not longer, since I've even had a birthday cake!
I'm not extraordinary, or anything special like that. So, there really is only a 1 chance in 365/366 that I can feel like anything is about me, as life is now... and it's been 5 years since I felt that, even in a small amount.
Now, I did have two going away parties when I tried to.. er.. go away. hah. One was with people I really didn't know. The second was at my place, and it was fun, and cool, but it was really subdued, and laid back. Which makes sense, since I'm so much like that.
I just want to feel like I matter. Not like I'm just there, or so easily tossed aside.
It really, really sucks being me. I hate it. I have one great chance to change my life this year, and I've got to try and grasp it and hang on.. because, I have no idea how much longer I can call this an existence.
This time, I'm going to admit something that is somewhat horrible, to me at least. People will view it as they view it.
I think we've all gathered by now that I don't feel loved. I know some say what some say, and I appreciate it, and believe it. But, it doesn't feel like anything, since no one is ever around. I don't have that regular outing with anyone, or a regular group who does things. It's usually just me, by myself.
So, that's already known. But, after watching a movie earlier, it brought back memories of feelings.. if that's a thing.
There has been many... many times in my life where I wished I had something wrong with me.. some real, tangible disease. Not necessarily a completely life threatening one, but, something bad. Because then, if even for one day, I could feel special, truly cared about. People might visit me, stop by and see how I am.. not what I can do for them.. or, worst of all, never show.
I haven't thought about that in a while, to my recollection at least. But, in a sense, the sentiment remains.
A few years back I threw myself a birthday party (because no one else ever will, it seems) the first one was pretty good. fun times were had, and all that. So, the next year I did it again. It was OK, for a minute, until the entire night was stolen by someone else.. who made the night about them.
I know I'm not the life of the party, I don't light up rooms when I enter. I get that. But, at the same time, that was horrible.
so, I had decided no more parties. So, the next year came, and I wasn't planning on anything, but my niece was going to throw a party for her friend, who's birthday is the day after mine. So, we ended up doing a double party. I had a few people show up for me, which I appreciated. But, still, once again, it wasn't a day for me.
So, with that, it sealed the fate of me throwing birthday parties.. Shit, it's tough to get more than 5 people for a regular party!
So, the next year came, and it happened that Jimmy eat World were in town playing a show that night. So, I drove out to Ventura, alone, to see the show. It was great, a pain of a drive, but, it was better than thinking the night was going to be for me.
Then 2011 came along, and PWG happened to run a show that night, so, boom, one year in Ventura, the next in Reseda. At least there were people I knew there, whom I don't see often.. and actually, some I've not seen since! (since I haven't been back to a show since.)
So, cut to last month. No such luck on a concert, or a wrestling show. It was a Monday after all. So, I went out and bought a DVD, I think, or something like that. Bought some 7-11 buffalo wings, and came home. That was my birthday.
It's been, at least, 4 years if not longer, since I've even had a birthday cake!
I'm not extraordinary, or anything special like that. So, there really is only a 1 chance in 365/366 that I can feel like anything is about me, as life is now... and it's been 5 years since I felt that, even in a small amount.
Now, I did have two going away parties when I tried to.. er.. go away. hah. One was with people I really didn't know. The second was at my place, and it was fun, and cool, but it was really subdued, and laid back. Which makes sense, since I'm so much like that.
I just want to feel like I matter. Not like I'm just there, or so easily tossed aside.
It really, really sucks being me. I hate it. I have one great chance to change my life this year, and I've got to try and grasp it and hang on.. because, I have no idea how much longer I can call this an existence.
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