Reflecting back on my life, my younger life, as I do once in a while, I
always wish I had one "incident" That one thing that fucked me up. I
mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it in a good way, more of a "if I
could deal with, and get passed that, then I can grow"
I don't have that.. or, if I did it fucked me up so bad that I completely blocked it, and it still haunts me, which I seriously doubt. Most of my life has been pretty uneventful, especially in that realm.
I mean, I still have some shell shock from my car crash, which was almost 10 years ago. I definitely drive 100% more defensively than I did then, and I was pretty defensive then!
But, the whole confidence thing, I have no idea why it's so lacking in me. I have suspicions, but, nothing really concrete. I was just always in a way, a frame of mind that told me I wasn't popular, wanted, etc.
I had friends in school, but, as soon as I left, I kept in touch with almost no one, because no one kept in touch with me.
It seems like, when I've brought that up to people, that it's almost made out to be my fault somehow. Saying that maybe I didn't try to keep in touch, which I call bull on. Even now, with people I've worked with, befriended through whatever media. If I invite them to do something, 9 times out of 10 they don't even bother to respond now, let alone take a second and say they can't on this day cause their busy.
see, in my world, if someone invited me to something, say just out to eat, on a day where I was busy, I usually say something like "I have to do something that day, but I'm free on this day/these days" to me that seems the friendly thing, no? You got to me late, because I have a prior engagement, but, let's hang out at this time, if you are free. But, I rarely, if ever have gotten that same consideration.
So, the second issue with that, is my lack of ever really doing things. It's hard to invite people to do something, when most of the something I do is sit at home and watch TV, or something of that sort.
I've gone off on a tangent here. That's another issue, for another day when I need to vent on that crap.
I know in order for my life to improve, and for my feelings on me to get better, I have to make small steps. Small victories that build up my faith in me, and my momentum to attempt bigger things, more important things.
But, even with that, the smaller victories I have had over the last 6 months, almost always end up with me in a worse spot than before it began. Not always, but, most times.
Even if it ends up for the best, it's still a shot that leaves the damage.
I don't have that.. or, if I did it fucked me up so bad that I completely blocked it, and it still haunts me, which I seriously doubt. Most of my life has been pretty uneventful, especially in that realm.
I mean, I still have some shell shock from my car crash, which was almost 10 years ago. I definitely drive 100% more defensively than I did then, and I was pretty defensive then!
But, the whole confidence thing, I have no idea why it's so lacking in me. I have suspicions, but, nothing really concrete. I was just always in a way, a frame of mind that told me I wasn't popular, wanted, etc.
I had friends in school, but, as soon as I left, I kept in touch with almost no one, because no one kept in touch with me.
It seems like, when I've brought that up to people, that it's almost made out to be my fault somehow. Saying that maybe I didn't try to keep in touch, which I call bull on. Even now, with people I've worked with, befriended through whatever media. If I invite them to do something, 9 times out of 10 they don't even bother to respond now, let alone take a second and say they can't on this day cause their busy.
see, in my world, if someone invited me to something, say just out to eat, on a day where I was busy, I usually say something like "I have to do something that day, but I'm free on this day/these days" to me that seems the friendly thing, no? You got to me late, because I have a prior engagement, but, let's hang out at this time, if you are free. But, I rarely, if ever have gotten that same consideration.
So, the second issue with that, is my lack of ever really doing things. It's hard to invite people to do something, when most of the something I do is sit at home and watch TV, or something of that sort.
I've gone off on a tangent here. That's another issue, for another day when I need to vent on that crap.
I know in order for my life to improve, and for my feelings on me to get better, I have to make small steps. Small victories that build up my faith in me, and my momentum to attempt bigger things, more important things.
But, even with that, the smaller victories I have had over the last 6 months, almost always end up with me in a worse spot than before it began. Not always, but, most times.
Even if it ends up for the best, it's still a shot that leaves the damage.
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