Dark Grip of Iron

I hate my depression. I really do. Not that anyone loves theirs, I know this. Between that, and the way my mind works.. it's always a constant struggle once it starts. No matter the outcome, it's always a bad one for me. Either I drive people away, annoy them, get made to feel like an idiot. Whatever it may be. 

I wish I knew what it was that was wanted, and needed to quell it, if not cure it. Distractions are always nice, but, it only pushes the problem away, to come back with a vengeance at a later time, it seems. 

I love that I am, let's say odd, for lack of better terminology. I have my quirks, my interesting stories. My crazy wit at times. but, there is always that constant darkness riding in the backseat, trying to grab the wheel. Sometimes it does, and it has a grip of iron. It's one of those fights that you never know how much longer you have the strength to fight, and sometimes the idea of just giving in is so god damned appealing, it makes it that much harder to fight.

No one should ever be burdened with my darkness, and I do my best to shield those from it... very few have ever known any real extents. I feel no good would come of it to let people know that part. They aren't going to fix it, and 99% of people I know wouldn't understand it in anyway that is productive.

Funny how moods can change on such a bullshit whim. I will never fully hide who I am... it is who I will always be. I don't expect anyone to be able to deal with it, or even want to put up with it. 
I don't know what to do.

What(ever) May Come

It has been a long time since I've had real feelings. Obviously other than struggling with my depression. It's not always an easy thing to let anyone in. Especially on real things. Things that are hard to say, but hard in the sense that it opens up vulnerabilities. 

It took me a long time to pick myself up, learn who I am, the kinds of things I want in life, or at least the paths I'd like to explore, to see if they are for me.

I have built up a protective layer around me, which isn't always a great thing.. but it has served me well enough since it's inception. 

I have close friends, I have casual acquaintances who know me, but haven't reached the real inner levels yet. Then there's that one person in the many faces I meet that finds that crack in the wall. The fissure that went unnoticed for so long, and whether they meant to or not, they've gotten stuck in there, and they've seeped through into the squishy core of who I am. 

I admit, the whole idea has scared me a bit for some time, but it hadn't been a real thought in my mind in ages. for many reasons. But now, it is very real, and it is throwing me off some.

I mean that all in good ways, because what I am feeling, and what is going on is amazing, to me. I don't fully know what it all means, what I am to her, or what will happen. There are some differences in things between us, which there should be, really. You can't date yourself! Well, you could, I suppose.. but it's not as fun. Well, you know what I mean.

I am not pessimistic in this, for once. Most people who know me, know that I am quite the pessimist. To be honest, I usually am due to that wall I built. It tends to make it easier, even though it's a shit outlook to have. I know, but it's a sadly safe view.

Time will tell. Good, bad, or whatever may come.

Best End of Year Ever

It's been a crazy last quarter of 2012 for me. I've already rambled enough about the tour. Other than that, once I got home it was back to the old way of life, after Oregon, and before the tour. For a couple days. 

It's been a long, long time since I've been this kind of happy. don't get me wrong, the tour was fun, and all of that. But there were ups, and downs, and a lot of feeling the outsider. Mostly my fault there, but I was new.. blah blah.

But, over this last week, I've been happy when I've woken up. Even if I am shivering cause it's really cold in here. The adventure of getting to know someone. Someone who you connect with so well is amazing. Someone who truly accepts you for who you are. I really don't feel like I have to be "on" with her. I don't feel I have to buy her affection. I don't have to constantly chat her up.. even though we do talk a lot. 

It's silly, funny, serious, poking fun, and sincere. It's very fresh, to me, that someone can be honest, and forthcoming. I don't feel as though either of us is having to torture us to get to know things.

I like this girl, a lot. I like the way she makes me feel, and I like the way I feel about her. And we all know how pessimistic I tend to be. Maybe the end of this year has started a good change in my life, and in me.

It's nice to look forward to things, good things. Even if it is something simple.

Hope and Fear. Times Are Changing

Now here I sit, a couple weeks removed from the Act of Rising tour. Even through the struggles, the blown tire, re-welding the axle. Having to replace said axle because it was a piece of crap. The sad times, the lonely times. Here I sit, looking back and thinking, it was such an adventure.

Met a bunch of new friends, and a handful of colorful characters along the way. In some ways, I can't wait to get back out, and do it all again. But, in some ways, I hope the time doesn't fly by too fast.

Why you ask? Nosey!

My birthday was bleh, as per usual. No one even stopped by, or wanted to hang out. But, whatever I suppose. It is what the day usually is, to be honest. I mean, the last two years I spent my birthday alone in Ventura, and at a PWG show in Reseda. Which were fine, but you always miss having that one day where people make you feel special.

Although, since my birthday, I've had a lot of those kinds of days. And not so much where -people- made me feel special, as much as one certain person.

So my years spent on various dating sites finally paid off by finding an amazing girl. She has a lot of the same qualities that I have.. the good ones, and even some of the bad. She really is awesome. Every morning I look forward to saying hi at some point of the day, I usually can't wait too long though. I'm weird like that. Haha.

Everytime I hear my phone go off, it brings a smile to my face.. well, until I realize it's not her. But that's OK, you know I'm pretty popular right now. I really like her, and can't believe I found someone so pretty, so crazy awesome that likes me too. I won't go on and on, but I just have to say, I really like this girl.

I anticipate the time when we will be in each others company again, and enjoy even the awkward silences that occur. I am quite cautious in my life with whom I let in, and what I let them know. Life in the past has shown me that you do need some level of protection, just in case. But, something about this girl let he sneak right through. I think she used some form of teleportation device. That's got to be it!

Well, time to go and try to do something about getting rid of this POS phone that I have. I'm tired of putting everyone's numbers back in every month/every few weeks.

Until next time...

Two Weeks In

Two weeks into the Spence tour, we're here in Battle Creek, MI. Day one of three days off until the next show. It's nice to not have to rush to a venue, even if I'm only setting out shirts. It is the easier part of everything in the Spence machine, and definitely the least glamorous.

Met some interesting people along the way. From the probably insane in Phoenix, to dedicated fans all over the midwest.

Playing my part in this whole thing has been fun, interesting, and also, at times, kind of a bummer.

Mostly for the fact that I am, indeed, just the merch guy. The guys in the band are awesome, and fun. I think we've gotten along pretty well so far. Especially with the fact that only 1 of them knew me before this whole trip started. 

It is just hard, at times, to see all the people go up to the guys, starstruck, all the praise, what have you. While I am just the guy slinging the shirts and CD's.

Don't get me wrong, I know my role in this whole thing, I accept it, and knew what I was getting into when I agreed. I accept that, and don't hate on anything about it. It's just that, you know, I wish there was one person who was a fan of the merch table guy. lol. Stupid, right?

On top of that, there were a couple days where I was reminded of my place in life. I'm not thinking on purpose, but, it hurt no less. Just the comedy relief, and who cares if he sleeps on the floor. While I wasn't the only one on the floor, I was the only one not offered what everyone else was offered. It's still bugging me, to be honest, and it does make it hard to try and be the cheery salesman when that's just eating away at you.

But, it is what it is, my lot in life. Really doesn't help when the rest of your posse all look better than you, are in better shape, and play in a band. lol. No one seems to be going for my "I give off a lot of heat" line when it's cold, not that they should. I'm not a rocker much anymore. Just a guy.

I don't want this to come off as sour grapes. I appreciate that I was given this opportunity. To see so many new places, places I would have probably never seen. Tried some new things, new foods. Met some nice people, and have been exposed to some new bands along the way.

I do miss home as well, but, mostly just because I miss some of the foods I was used to eating all the time. Craving buffalo wings like nuts! Also, missing my TV shows, and a couple video games I had been waiting for. But, 3 more weeks, and I'll see them all again. 

"Why Oregon?"

Less than two weeks.

In less than two weeks my journey will be underway. Approximately 940 miles, give or take. 15 hours straight through, but, I am not driving straight there, as I'll be taking in some sights I just never had the chance to.

I have been asked, often, "Why Oregon?" or some variation. I give many answers, all true, all part of why. I figured, why not write up an incredibly long, probably not that interesting life story? It'll kill some time, and maybe shed light on things. Maybe not. Let's learn together!

Let's start a bit more recently, then I'll Memento my way around.

A few years ago, I was in bad shape (not physically, that started long before then. hah!) Life was just, bleh. No goals, no direction, nothing much to speak of. In hindsight, I fully admit, it was more a sitting around, killing time, for nothing specific. While I needed some of it, it may have lasted too long.

So, let's go back in time some more.

For quite a while, I was living a life that I, apparently, didn't want. I say apparently, because the revelation came a while after that life ended.

My ex and I were dating, and had for quite a long time. Things were good, at times, and bad at times. Obviously more so towards the end. But, this bad wasn't fighting, infidelities, nothing like that. Just drifting away.

We were growing a part, as people do. There was something she wasn't getting from me, and there was something I wasn't getting from her. It happens, I don't believe there are any hard feelings about it. Although there were for a while, on my side definitely, her side I could only imagine.

It's been a while since the break up. I believe it's been 5 years. For whatever reason, I have a horrible memory for years. I can remember certain dates, just not the actual years. It's odd.

Anyway.

After the break up, there were high highs, and very low lows. I won't bore you with the details, as that was some time ago, and well part of the past.

Anyway, cut forward a couple years. Chugging along at the same job I had for a few years now (well, at that point) one day, at work, during lunch, I was looking for something to watch, and stumbled across "Into the Wild" I forget which part I caught, because over the next week I caught other random parts, until I got a hold of a copy, and watched the whole thing.

That was when my new life began.

Up until then, I can honestly say nothing had ever truly changed my life, in that kind of way. A deep soul searching type of thing.

I came to realize, that some of the message of the movie, and indeed Chris McCandless' life, resonated with me.

I have always told people that I barely care about money. All money does is start fights, and separate people. Now, I'm not all for eliminating money, don't read that wrong. Just, to understand what you want, and what you need for it, without needing the excess, and hurting others to attain it. That's my views on it.

Along with that, while very different upbringings, I have never had a "family feel" in the family. Those who know me, know, those who don't, don't need to. I truly feel the last real piece of true family died when my grandmother started to go. She, along with my grandfather, did more to raise me than anyone else. My father was never around, and my mom always worked. When I wanted to go places, or do anything, it was always too expensive, or no one was around to want to.

The one good out of that, it gave me a partial feeling for not wanting anything big. Hell, if I should you the receipts from this year, up until I left my job, I'd say most of my non-bill cash went to stuff like, a movie, food, stuff like that.

moving on. I came to realize that you have to do what is right for you, what feels right. Even if it's something you only try out for a week, month, a year. Give it that try, if it isn't what you thought, maybe it has opened up another path.

That is, in part, why Oregon.

For the last year plus I had tried to transfer to Washington, Oregon, Idaho even. For whatever reason, my great company pretty much left me on my own. Offering very little, if any actual help. Glad they have all of those people making money to do... whatever it is they actually do.

So, it finally came down a few months back. Much like last year, and my joining M1W at the ripe age of 32, it was now, or never. 

I'm a procrastinator. So, you know.

So I decided, I'll move. Initially, I had Washington in my sights. But, Oregon is right there, nice, but, like me, it's that state you don't always notice, cause it's quiet, and keeps to itself.

I have never truly felt at home in and around Los Angeles. I don't care about the glitz, the glamour. Being a huge movie star, or what a Kardashian is doing.

I am, at heart, a small town boy. How that happens, since I live exactly where I grew up is strange.

I know what I want in my life. Not what I will have, and there is wiggle room, as there are a few scenarios, at the moment, that are perfectly acceptable. I honestly can't see them happening in my current area. 

I won't even mention living at home, cause, well, anyone who reads this probably already knows well enough about this monster.

So, maybe that cleared some things up, maybe it confused people more. Who knows, I just write as I think.

So, in less than two weeks, I'll be on the move. While I am done with LA, for now anyway, I am leaving behind people I will miss dearly. 

The friends from high school (who actually GREW UP since then)

The friends from high school I've just reconnected with, and hate that there won't be more time to catch up.

The friends I've made over the last year from Mach 1, IWL, NWA, everywhere. As a kid who grew up watching wrestling, the fact that I am even a small satellite in orbit of anything related to it, amazes me. The talks I've had, the training, the laughs. Everything. I have learned so much, and hope to come back down and beat the crap out of some of you in the ring. Cause I am the Vanilla Bear, and I bring the vanilla Thunder!

To everyone else who has shared bowling nights, backyard parties, whatever the hell else there was. I will do my best to keep in touch, until I am back full time Internet connected.

That about does it for me, for now.

Under the Scar-lit Night

Now that it has been officially one month since leaving work, I've had time to reflect, look inside, think, dream, plan, all of that, to some extents.

It has been nice being able to keep to my own schedule, whether I have anything to do or not, it's been up to me, for the most part.

But, on the negative side of that coin, it has also left me with a lot of time, most would say too much time, on my hands. We all know my mind is a horrible, horrible beast. 

I still have my Oregonian plans, the hopes, and excitement, to an extent. I say it that way, mostly, because I don't seem to really get "excited" anymore. Or haven't in some time. My feelings tend to betray me, and become twisted into dark things no one needs. But, out of everything I do feel, excitement just doesn't seem to come out to play anymore.

I have never been one to censor myself too much on here. I feel it's counter intuitive to write a journal, diary, blog, whatever you may, and then edit yourself for the sake of "oh no, someone might see it"

I tend to let people know I've written this, whether anyone reads it, or not, is up to them. I honestly don't know anyone who does read these. I think I've had one, or two people mention it before.

But I digress.

I think my main issue in life... with life, it lack of passion. In whatever way you can imagine. I am a passionate person, with no current release for it.

Which tends to lead me to a path of apathy. I want to care, I want to do this, or that, but, why? I tend to call it laziness, and it is, in part, due to the fact that I don't want to always bother to get up, and go do something alone. Which is what about 98% of my activities are. I'm a social creature, with social anxiety, and a general social awkwardness.

It sucks.

Decisions, Decisions

As we all know by now, and have become accustomed to me stating, I don't like my job. Now, this isn't so much a rant about that, so hang in there. 

As we also know, I have had big decisions looming over me for some time now. New job, move, become a wrestler, among so many others.

So, as I sit here, here is what is going on.

Still dislike my job. I don't hate the work, itself. The work can be mind-numbing, and poses no creative challenge, most times. It's not a job, nor is it a company in which I will grow any more with. It was made obvious to me, many time, that I lack the correct length of nose to properly tickle a prostate with.

That is what it is.

So, of course finding a new job, or, hell, even figuring out WHAT to even look for is an enormous pain in my ass.

Add on to that the idea that I wanted to try my hand at becoming a wrestler. Now, look passed the fact that I'm not in great shape, as it is, and am lazy as all get out. I feel if I could get the momentum going to where I move around more, and work on getting in a little better shape, it's not out of the question. Of course that's a big if.

So, moving. I'm of the thought that someone, much like myself, can find it very hard to thrive in an area like Southern California. 

I don't want to be an actor. I don't want to be a billionaire. I hate the constant heat of the spring - mid-December, and utter lack of anything resembling rain, or actual weather patterns.

I have come to believe that my biggest issue to overcome, is the lack of caring. While I want to wrestle. I want to meet great people, have fun times, make memories,. the fact that anytime I've started things in the past, they've always left me wanting. None of it ever amounted to much of anything, you know? 

I suffer from severe lack of motivation. No matter how many times I get that lame ass "do something now or miss out" type of answer from people (which, by the way, isn't motivating, it's just stating an idea, a very generic one)

I'm trying to do the change small things, one by one idea. But, I'll tell ya, that's annoyingly bland. Some things take too long to never appear, while you have to sit and wait for processes. 

I have no real idea where to go from here. Even if I worked 40 hours every week at work, I still wouldn't be able to make much of what I get paid.

I have no desire to go back to school, because it would be for no reason. If I had something I loved, and wanted to pursue, that would lead me to a more comfortably paying job, then I would go for it, in theory. Remember, I'm lazy.

In the end, I just have a hole, that should be filled with a real dream, a drive, passion. 

I don't.