It has been a long time since I've had real feelings. Obviously other than struggling with my depression. It's not always an easy thing to let anyone in. Especially on real things. Things that are hard to say, but hard in the sense that it opens up vulnerabilities.
It took me a long time to pick myself up, learn who I am, the kinds of things I want in life, or at least the paths I'd like to explore, to see if they are for me.
I have built up a protective layer around me, which isn't always a great thing.. but it has served me well enough since it's inception.
I have close friends, I have casual acquaintances who know me, but haven't reached the real inner levels yet. Then there's that one person in the many faces I meet that finds that crack in the wall. The fissure that went unnoticed for so long, and whether they meant to or not, they've gotten stuck in there, and they've seeped through into the squishy core of who I am.
I admit, the whole idea has scared me a bit for some time, but it hadn't been a real thought in my mind in ages. for many reasons. But now, it is very real, and it is throwing me off some.
I mean that all in good ways, because what I am feeling, and what is going on is amazing, to me. I don't fully know what it all means, what I am to her, or what will happen. There are some differences in things between us, which there should be, really. You can't date yourself! Well, you could, I suppose.. but it's not as fun. Well, you know what I mean.
I am not pessimistic in this, for once. Most people who know me, know that I am quite the pessimist. To be honest, I usually am due to that wall I built. It tends to make it easier, even though it's a shit outlook to have. I know, but it's a sadly safe view.
Time will tell. Good, bad, or whatever may come.
No comments:
Post a Comment