Turning Mistakes into Gold

So.. it's been a while since my last entry. Nothing huge to really say, nothing more than usual.

I've noticed that, while there are more, and newer people in my life. Some good, some great, some inspiring. I still have an emptiness eating away at my from inside. I can't explain it. It's not unique to me, I know this, but, as I am me, and deal with the day to day running of my life, it will always be the most important thing.

Work is a little more fun, if not annoying in other ways at the same time.

I'm musical instruments now, finally breaking the shackles of being practically day labor, in their eyes.

I've had a couple of encounters, we could call dates, for lack of better terminology.

One was a fun night. Hung out, talked, went to the movies. I will fully admit, that girl isn't necessarily my speed, which is fine. Could be someone cool to hang out with no and again. Cute, but, lacking a certain something I definitely need.

Second up was a fun, awe inspiring group outing. She's shy, more so than me, which is rare for me to run into. Might be hanging out again this week, still awaiting word on that. Don't fully know how I feel, since I've been so isolated from having to deal with emotions towards another person, I'm not sure what is what.

Still looking, of course, the all seeing eye. It's messed up how I actually know someone who embodies a lot of what I look for, physically, personality, intelligence, and funkiness, but, as nature would have it, someone who basically says she could never be interested in me. I do get that a lot, sometimes it's in silent protest, some times it's loud and clear, no pulled punches.

I know I'm no centerfold, but, I'd just like to be able to have a cute/hot chick be into me, for once, even if for the wrong reasons (although, since I have little cash, and nothing of flash, I don't see what "wrong" anyone could be into)

Enough for now. Time for a movie, sleep, then work tomorrow.

As The World Opens Her Eyes

So today (Thursday) I decided to go camping. Since the doctor's visit put the nix on doing the whole week, I eventually decided that I should for one day.

So, I drove up to Crystal Lake, since it would be free camping for me. I was planning on staying one night, since I had plans on Friday.

So, I get there, find a campsite. Park, set up the tent and everything. It was still pretty early, so I decided to hike to the lake. But, on the way I actually ran across a trail on the opposite side, so I hiked that. Came back around and hit the trail that goes towards the lake.

Anywho, it was all fine and (tiring) well. Then, nothing. I think I finally figured it out, something I think I knew, but, now can't deny.

I love hiking, and adore the outdoors. But, I absolutely hate being there alone.

I can't really keep myself amused for long, in most situation. I know my stories, and, I have tons of time alone as it is, so, it's not like I'm any more creative or anything out there.

It's nice, and quiet, very calming. That's all nice and well, but, with no one there, what's the point?

The coolest part, though, was after I decided I was going to leave early, and not stay overnight. I decided I'd wait til it got dark, because I love seeing te field of stars, not blocked by out pollution. So, as fast as the Sun sets, it wasn't setting fast enough. So, I decided to walk down the road a bit, which reminded me of a horror movie at times.

Imagine, walking down a street at dusk, no street lights, no light at all, really. No cars, nothing but the sounds of the creatures stirring in the woods.

It was kinda awesome. But, it was time to leave. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

All in all, a learning experience.

Then we go onto the weekend. Friday was great. Got to hang out with a bunch of the guys, friends of old and new. Had a couple of conversations that helped me, made me feel good, bad, and everything in between. 

Saturday had nothing for me. Just watched some TV, movies, sat around the house. As well as Sunday. Which is fine, cause it's been a bit too hot for my own liking. 

So, things are, hopefully, in motion for my near future. That'll give me something to update here, and, hopefully give me some great stories to tell.

Well, that's it for now, as always until next time, have a good one!

Any Fool Can Make a Rule, and Any Fool Will Mind it.

So.. not even 24 hours after making my last post, life decided to tell me no.

I had been having an issue with my foot for about a month, or so. Nothing so bad I couldn't walk, or do a lot of things. But, in the last week it had gotten worse, and now even wearing a shoe could be annoyingly painful.

So, I had two choices. 1. Continue my planned trip, with a really sore foot. Which would have been a massive downer.

Or 2. go to the doctor.

So, I decided on the latter, and went to the doctor. So, with high hopes, I was wishing it would be something simple. Something fixable in a day or two, if not immediately.

That's what I get for wishing.

So, it's a small viral infection that has to be taken care of, daily. I have two medications to use to kill it. One for the morning, and one for the evening.

Now, I still could try the trip, but maybe take my car instead. This way I could carry more. But, my main issue would be cleaning the area daily to apply said medication.

I might still go camping, in a lesser form, as I have found a place that would only be $5 a night. But that wasn't the main point of the trip. So, I am currently undecided as to what I will do. All I know is it's a massive let down. Truly devastated. But, in the same vein, possibly it's the universe telling me to stop, or wait.

It's funny, because at any point over the last month I could have had it looked at, but, in my house, growing up, you never went to the doctor. Everything eventually went away. It's really hard to break that mentality.  And now, looking back, not only did it bite me in the ass, it kicked me where it hurts.

On a side note, that will come off cold, or mean perhaps, one of our dogs died today. She had been suffering for a while. We've had her since she was a pup, but I never grew any attachment to her. Sad, yes, but, merely another side note in my many days here.

Well, that's all for now. Not used to posting on consecutive days, I promise it won't become a habit.

The Core of Mans' Spirit Comes from New Experiences

Posting this earlier than I had planned.. so my initial opening line won't work. It was a good one though.

So, I am now in the middle of my vacation. There have been very fun, great, inspirational, and eye opening times so far. Along with a lot of down town too.

So, at some point within the next 24 hours, I will be walking into the wild. I plan on spending the majority of my last week off living out of a back pack. Still, even at this late moment, I couldn't even say where I'm going to, even if I wanted to.

But, even if I did, I wouldn't, as it defeats one of the purposes.

Now, one thing I learned from my failed Yosemite, and Sequoia trips (other than not having a real snow shovel with me in the winter) is one simple word.

Options.

I'm eliminating one big thing from my trip.

My car.

I am riding the bus to as close as I can get, and then walking in. If I can catch a ride, I will, but, I will not have an easy ride out. So, if it gets slightly annoying, or tough, I can't just give up as easily. It would be a long walk out.

I am not taking much, just what I feel I need, which I know will be far less than I should have. But, that's one of the points.

To paraphrase a quote I love; "I know how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong but to feel strong. To measure yourself at least once. To find yourself at least once in the most ancient of human conditions. Facing the blind death stone alone, with nothing to help you but your hands and your own head."

I am as mentally prepared as I can be, without having faced what I will, before. I am as physically prepared as I could get myself, considering my lack of discipline.

It will be hard, it will suck, but, the quiet, and simple beauty are something I need to experience, for a few reasons, none of which I will go into on here.. not now at least.

I am planning on taking one of my old journals with me, so I can note whatever I might need to, sketch, kill a little time. Whatever I may need it for.

Yes, I do know there is a small "stupidity" factor in there, as I have very little survival knowledge, or training. But, there in lies the freedom of what I am doing.

To be free. Not many know what that is, and even what I am set to do is barely touching that, as I will still be constrained by a deadline to return to work.. so I can make that ever so needed money, for those ever so needed bills, brought about by said job in the first place.

I have not yet packed away everything, and while I will have my phone with me, it will be off, and will most probably die at some point midweek, knowing the great technology we have.

There is a small chance, as with everything in life, of accidents, unforeseen circumstances that may leave me in not a great state. I honestly feel that injury is at about a 5% chance, knowing myself, and my limitations, and abilities. But, I am 100% aware that there are things I haven't planned for.. things I couldn't think of having happened. So, if that 5% happens, I am prepared for it, mentally, if a mentality could apply there.

For now, I shall leave this place with one more quote.

"It should not be denied that being footloose has always exhilarated us. It is associated in our minds with escape from history and oppression and law and irksome obligations. Absolute freedom. And the road has always led west. "

It's Not Suicidal Dreams, it's the Realization of Nothing

Touchy wording, yes, but, something that's been on my mind all week, and, oddly enough, it was even part of a story on the show Louie. Synchronicity I suppose.

See, I pride myself on being pretty real. No one likes it, most days, but in a sense they respect that that's me.

So, here's my mindset lately.

I have surpassed the feeling of "I don't know what I'm doing/to do with my life" to, "I don't know if I really care now"

Let me expand.

For the longest time, I've had no dreams. Nothing non-generic. Sure, I'd love to have a family, live in a nice house, and lead a decent life.

But, what does that mean? What is life?

I feel I know a good deal about me, what I want, what I don't. But, it's that what I want that troubles me.

I don't feel like I want anything really.

I have no real desire to be rich, of make a 6 figure salary. Unless it was with something I love.

But, here's wall number 2. What do I love? As far as something that could be turned for a profit.

I do love my new wrestling stories, the people I have met are all awesome, and fun. But, even so, I have a feeling that I would like to go back to training. But, I know that there isn't a ton of money in wrestling, so, even if I got to the point of working shows, I'd still need a "regular" job. It's that regular job part that irks me.

Apparently, according to Best Buy policy for part time workers (since they fail to communicate what is "required" for full time employees to me) part time people need to be completely open Friday-Sunday. Then, open at least 2 morning, and 2 evening shifts during the week.

Mind you, this is for part time, who are only really supposed to be scheduled 20-26 hours a week anyway.

So, let's say you're going to school. Well, looks like you have to have one set of classes at night, and one in the morning. But, with that, you'd probably still be screwed, because they want you to work when they say, and then maybe, just maybe they'll allow you to better yourself.

See, with that being part time "expectations" I could only imagine the full time ones.

So, instead of trying to get a store to work well with what they have, they just restrict you from trying to do anything else, unless they say it's OK.

Doesn't sound so great to me!

So, I've already gone on about my hatred for retail, and just societal work in general. Enough on that, until they shove the dick further up our collective asses.

So, back on topic. What does one do when one doesn't really feel passionate about something?

Let's look at my personal life. In the last 2 years, the only person I have gone on a date with, is my ex. Stupid move in the end, but it seemed right at the time. Also, I think it had to be done. There was a fucked up sense of closure for me.

Since then, not one. Not for lack of trying through personal sites, and even a couple attempts at going out with a girl at work. Those failed, obviously.

I used to live my life from moment to moment. The anticipation of an upcoming show. Vacation time, birthday, holidays, etc. But, I almost don't even care about that anymore either.

Holidays are meaningless to me. All it is is people coming over here, being annoying, even when I'm far away. I don't miss my family, because I have never been away from them, nor do I care about the complaints they have.

Plus, it's not like Thanksgiving of Xmas can mean much, with the way they work us to the bone at work. Oh, we get a half day off for Thanksgiving, because we have to be up at the ass crack of this evening to set up for the clusterfuck that is Black Friday? Super!

Then Christmas falls under my above complaint.

So, at the end of the day, it's not that I have any desire to die, I just really can't find a real reason to live. If that makes sense.

Two Paths, Many Forks

I seem to need to find a nice mix of the few things I love in life.

I love the quite, solace, beauty that nature gives us. The same nature that I an not see from home, because man has decimated so much of it.

Then, on the other hand, the life and world of professional wrestling. While I am not one, yet, if ever. I am in the world. I know plenty, and go to many shows to support those who are amazing.

The funny thing is, my life breaks down to these parts;

Work
Home
Nature/Hiking
Wrestling

Work, I feel unwanted, unneeded, just not necessary. I've felt that for a long time, for many, many reasons.

Home, I'm just money, and someone to bitch to. I get no real solace, ever, at home. The only time I look forward to being here is when I'm at work, or, when I need sleep. And even that last part seems like maybe a nap in the car, elsewhere would be nicer.

Hiking/Nature I have not been around it in about 3 months, but will fully immerse myself in it in a couple weeks. I love it, but, since I always adventure alone, it does lack the longevity of passing on stories, and experiences.

Now, we have wrestling. Here's where things get confusing. I have never been in good physical shape, not really athletic. So, to even think I'm training at all sounds ridiculous. But, I did, and I was good. Or so many have said. The people like me, and find me funny, and a good guy.

I go to shows, and I now know a handful of the wrestlers, and they know me. We converse, tell stories, etc. Even extended to Facebook, somewhat, and twitter almost completely.

I feel accepted by those in that world, and almost, dare I say, cared about? Don't mean that to sound sad, not meant that way. Just in a sense that I see people genuinely happy to see me, and want to say hi, and whatever it may be. I get that nowhere else.

So, how do I fix what needs to be? First, I have to find a better job. Something stable, and not as full of childish bullshit as I have now. I know, all jobs tend to suck, in one way or another. But, the amount of unprofessionalism that I/we deal with on a daily basis is uncalled for.

I feel that if I can find that magic job, that pays me at least what I make now, that maybe is a little more fun, or important. Plus the all important having nights available to train, would help wonders.

I need my life to start, as it's stalled in this mud puddle for par too long, and the leaches are killing me.

Personal Aftermath of reading Back to the Wild

So, I finished the book earlier today. To actually see what Chris wrote, his mindset, and insight into the way life is for almost everyone out there, especially Americans, has left me with more angst over my own life than the movie, or book before this!

Ever since my, let's call it, reawakening I've felt more and more disassociated with what life is "supposed" to be.

As we all grow up we want to be something, even if it changes weekly. Fireman, policeman, astronaut, or something more feasible. Business owner, teacher, even truck drivers, what have you.

My problem is, I never really had anything passed the not-so-realistic (for me) dreams.

Growing up, it was a baseball player. Eventually, a professional wrestler (which, as of this year I actually got involved with, to a limited extent, not in the ring) astronomer. Now, as far as the sporting ones, I'm not very athletic, and don't really care to be, especially now, in my early 30's. It's not my mentality.

I didn't really go to college, for that same reason. I found out astronomy had more to do with calculations, and things that were far from what I dreamt of. I wasn't about to waste what little money I ever have on something I did not care about. Through all my researching, seeing what was available, nothing ever even gave me a hint of "yeah, that's what I want to do til I retire!" not even for the next 5-10 years!

So, I've had mostly crap retail jobs for the better part of the millennia. My current job, at which I am employed full time and have been for 3+ years, I have been with a couple months shy of 6 years now. My longest job by far.

The problem is, with what I make, being full time, I barely live, if you call my life living. I live in Southern California, a place where it's quite pricey to even rent a run down hell hole. So much so, I still live in my grandparents house. Although they have both passed, I live with my eldest brother (who, in his 40's, has never left home) and my mom (who, in her 60's lived with her parents most of her life)

My only real bills are rent ($200 a month) my mobile phone ($55ish) my car (the big one at $316 + $65-$70 for insurance) plus i have two credit card, which don't put me back too much. But, even with that, plus gas and food, I rarely have any money for life. Can't go to amusement parks, have to watch my gas usage more often than I'd like.

As it stands with my job, I work 5 days a week, as most people do. Never having one, solitary weekend off unless I've requested it, which means I already have plans made out. So, it's rare that I can just set off for a weekend / 2 day adventure anywhere. My days off are very, very rarely ever back to back (only happened once this year) So, in my mind, except for a week vacation here and there, and a leave of absence I took (directly related to my discovery of the story, plus some personal issues I was already dealing with) I've worked, with no real set breaks for the entirety of my current run.

I currently have no path. No real goals, other than to be happy. With no idea how to get that, or what it truly means to me (I have an idea or two of things/circumstances that would improve my life greatly) I am trapped, not in the wild, but in the every day prisons so many of us are in. Only, I am one who sees it for that. My job is really pointless, not helping anyone, or anything. Just another global distributor of goods we may like, but rarely need. No one I know gets this, just thinking I'm always a "downer" or "depressed"

I know one thing I need to do, is leave here. There is nothing for me, and I hate the Summers here. Winters are only better cause the cooler temps. I just don't know if a journey like Chris' is just another one of those dreams I'd never do, because it's not really for me, and may be harder than I want. Or, if what I'm looking for is somewhere in between.

I don't necessarily dream of living any kind of tramp lifestyle. Possibly something a little more stable, cause I'm not very well versed in surviving without a supermarket or a fast food place around. lol. But I do love the tranquility that nature gives, even in this concrete jungle, we do have a good handful of those to seek out, until someone thoughtlessly burns them down.

What I see through Chris' story, that is almost a dream of mine. Is the love. The affection so many had for him. I think my dream would be to wander a bit, until I found a new home. I have a small town heart, that just doesn't get this big city appeal anymore. My grandparents were born and raised in Minnesota until they moved out here. I think they instill that in me, since they were more involved in my raising and morality.

I don't distrust all people. I love being around great company. For the last 3 years, give or take, most everything I've done has been solo. I've gone to Yosemite, alone. Sequoia by myself. Even just day hikes are always alone. But you know what? Anyone I've had a brief encounter with on a trail, near a waterfall, have never once been rude to me. Mean, or just a dick in anyway. I love that! Other than tired, no one ever seemed upset, mad at their boss, worried about money.

So, after reading the book, it has almost spiked the exact same angst that I felt after watching the movie, and the weeks following.

In closing. I just wish I had someone in my life who felt the same way, and I could just call up and say "Let's do this, let's go, let's live life" and then the plan starts in motion.

Life in the Now

So now that I am 3 weeks/4 classes into training, many things hit me, many times.

!. My body isn't in great shape, athletic wise. But, this I knew, hell, anyone who knows me knew that. I know it's holding me back some, which I am working on.

2. As much as I love it, and can't wait to make it on a show, I know the future ain't gonna be kind. If I keep it up, and go continually, by this time next year I imagine I can be on shows, and doing decently. Now, the making money part. Between working lame retail hours, and then trying to make enough of a name to get paid, in an arena that isn't known for paying overly generously. It can be somewhat demoralizing at times.

There are still many times, whether at training, on the way to/from, or just in general, I wish I would have moved instead. But, I know if I did that first, I'd always wonder "what if?" But, moreso on top of that, I wish I would have prepared myself for my great life adventure. Traveling the world.. just living day to day. That is still a possibility for the future, depending on how things go.. if I can get something resembling a real life started.

Who knows what the future holds. For now, I am doing what I can to make a go at this. I love it. I love watching it. The people in my class are amazing human beings, which I have a lack of in my day to day grind of life. Whether I make it or not, I am giving everything I physically can, even though I know in my heart it's not as much as it needs to be.

Choices

Two days left. Two days left for the Washington job opening. It closes Saturday.

Thoughts have flooded my head. On one side, the many of the what happens if I get the spot?

And, of course the other side, what if I don't?

Obviously, the odds are I won't, but, that doesn't mean I can't get it.

So, what happens if I do get it? I move on, and start my new life.

If I don't get it? Then I am still here, and figure my next move. Wait for another Washington/Idaho/Oregon store? I'd keep my eyes out. Maybe look further, into other states? Perhaps. Maybe look into that school, and that possible opportunity out here? Probably unlikely in the end, but, looking into it won't hurt.

Who knows how this will play out... well, I suppose if I read this back a few months from now, I will.

Hi future me! Did you get that thing I sent you?

Strange Days

It's become a strange trend in my life. Just as soon s I'm completely sure of something, I get thrown a curveball.

After a very long time of not having anything to do, anyone to hang out with, in the last week, 3 of my 4 days off have been spent out with at least one friend. Which culminated in last nights show, and hang out afterwords until 4am.

It's the simplest of things, but, has always been the hardest to capture for myself.

Back to Life, What a Reality

The one positive about standing in a store, staring at a vast curtain is that it gives you plenty of time to think.

Which I'm not wanton for, but I accrue in bulk.

So I am now in month 2 of trying to move onto my new life.. and all of a sudden I have things to do out here, and some things back in my life that I'd miss when I leave.

Ain't life a bitch?

So, now I have so many ideas, many of them are not a viable option, or, viable yet at least.

So, I gather more knowledge, and wait, hoping choice #1 will actually come through, for once, and I can be on my way.

But, what if the wait + these feelings is yet another sign, telling me that I'm not making the right choice? That perhaps my "last choice" is my best choice, and what I should do?

A Nod to You

After a long day at work, the usual routine was had. Groceries bought, and consumed.

Well, some anyway.

So, one last craving for the night. This called for a midnight trip to 7-11. A true bastion of the "I can't get to sleep" lifestyle.

As I walked home, I couldn't help but turn my head northward. A silent nod of Godspeed. Looking to the sky, wondering. What is it like to not know what tomorrow truly means? I know what I plan on tomorrow, albeit fun, it's another day. Full of food, fun, and action. But, for it to mean life or death, wide open possibilities.

One has to ponder.

Materialistic Sentimentality

For a month, or two now, I have been slowly getting rid of stuff. Things. Junk stored away. It feels good.

Of course it is in preparation of moving onto a new home town, a new store, and a brand new chapter in my life. Whether it happens that way, or a secondary way, it still feels good.

While it can be hard to part with some items, due to the sentimentality of the human condition, it's still very liberating.

As of this date, the majority of items I have parted with are clothing, and CD's/DVD's. Today was another batch of clothes. It's funny how you look at a shirt, and instantly you recall when you got it, who gave it to you, or some event wrapped around the item itself.

There in-lies the difficulty. I ran into that today, again. But, I looked at the shirt, and told myself, "You know you aren't going to wear it ever again." Which is most likely true, but, could be false as well.

Most of the clothing I've parted with has been too small for me to wear right now. So, in hopes that I will lose enough weight o wear it, I have held onto it. Funny.

I do imagine, one way or another, I will drop sizes. But, when that happens, I can very easily go buy 2 more shirts in that size, can I not? If they are needed that is.

It has been an odd feeling, a good one though, getting rid of stuff that clutters my closet, drawers, under my bed. It really does give me a sense of leaving an old persona behind, shedding a layer of skin.

I must do this more.

Life is a Funny Thing

It's funny, to look back on what I've written. To think back over 2010 and the realization of what the core issue was. The main problem that was pulling, straining, and blinding my sight.

It's funny how one person, one story, one though on one, non descript day leads to insight, and the opening of your mind.

What I once thought was a problem of loss, while the loss was great, lead to the revelation that what I once was, was a facade I put on to try to please what I thought mattered most, and was how one should be.

Ever since then, it's funny how I now know of someone who is quite like-minded. Only he has taken the step that I know I am not yet prepared for, mentally of practically.

Currently, I am trying the road of least resistance, to see if that solves the problem.

To be continued.