I'm not sure what to do anymore. I try, and try, and try... but, if people who know me don't seem to give a shit.. why should I?

I am at the point where I wish they could feel the pain, maybe then they would understand. But, if they don't care to help, why would they care about the rest?

You can't be a friend if you're never around when someone needs you.

Go, drink you booze, smoke your cigarettes, fuck all of you. I'm out.

The Great White North?

So.. holiday '09 is over.. and good riddance. Now, I look to the future. I still have to work it out with the biggest hurdle in my plan, but, as most know, I am going to try and make a pilgrimage to Alaska.. hopefully before summer.

I plan on making the drive, no flight, etc. According to Google Maps, it's going to be a 3 day trip, easily. I plan on making a stop or two here and there. Not sure if I'm going to do those along the way up, or home. Home would probably sound best.. just in case.

Spirit Journey Formation Anniversary

So.. today unceremoniously marked the beginning of year 32. What a year to forget, topped off by not much of anyone giving half a damn.

Now, going with the fact that I do nothing in life what involves friends, maybe I was naive in thinking that today would have been different than the last two months, or the next two.

But, you figure, a birthday is the one day you should get some attention, right?

I got one phone call from someone who said happy birthday, who had already texted me that as well. Two texts from family members, one of whom also showed up and said the same. Then two other people texted me the note.

Notice, only one showed up, and it wasn't actually to do anything with me, which is fine. But, yeah, Not one thing happened today, other than me sleeping, and going to 7-11.. a.k.a most any day of the year.

I seem to be the kind of guy who no one goes out of the way for. If I'm down.. ignore me. If I'm bored, make sure you constantly have other stuff to do, or, just don't answer a text.


Two years ago, I had a pretty kick ass time at a birthday party, that I threw for myself, because after years of hinting, you know, by straight saying I wanted a party. No one ever even bothered.

Last year I had another, which was bad. Just bad. I actually wished the next day I hadn't had it.

So, I decided to do nothing this year. But, as the day grew closer, I wanted to have people over/out. So, I decided, a dinner. So, the only people who showed up, were my family, whom I usually see everyday. Then one of my friends was there as well. Sure, a couple couldn't make it cause of work, that's fine. But, why can't people just say they won't make it? It courtesy really that hard, or, am I just the most amazing person in the world? I always tell people upfront, if I can't or possibly can't make it to something, I say that. Most times I'll say why too. Even if I say I'll go, then can't, I let them know.

But, not one. I sat there feeling like a big old pile of shit after about 20 minutes. Now, I don't take who came for granted but. Those are people I rarely ever go one week without seeing (as all but 3 live ion the same house, you see)

So, today. My actual birthday. I went over that list.

So, tomorrow is the party.

Mind you, it's a party at my house, but, wasn't for me. I was "allowed to add myself" to a party for my niece's friend (which is at my house, where neither of them live by the by)

So, I know of 2 people who say they're coming. There is also 2 more that made it seem like they are. 4. 31 years, and my life amounts to 4? Also, one of those 4 was coming over for the party whether it involved me or not anyway.

So, I'm planning on nothing next year. I'm tired of thinking there is something where nothing lies. Maybe if I make some decent friends at school, perhaps something with them. But, I'm just feeling too old to deal with this fucking disappointment everyday, and, on my birthday of all days as well.

The Untitled

I don't even know anymore. I always assumed really good friends would be there for you, trough thick, thin, the good and the bad. But, honestly, I can't help but look around at the lack of caring. Sure, you don't necessarily want to hang out with someone who's sad, or angry. But, guess what? Sometimes they need that release to help them out.

I've always..ALWAYS done everything I could do for my friends in need. Now, for the last few weeks, I can't help but see no one has even asked how I am doing. Was there anything going on. Or, the ever non-present "do you want to go do ____" The only person who's even shown concern, or, at least shown SOMETHING is the one person I've only been around twice, and really don't know. I would hope it's just the general anger in me right now thinking that my "friends" have all but completely abandoned me. But, you know, it's hard to not think that.

I'm just sick and tired of it. People just use me until they find their next shiny penny it seems. Maybe I'm a sucker for growing some attachment, for caring. My bad. I have learned a lot from people over the course of this year. And, at the end of the day, it has shown me just how absolutely horrible, self-centered, and pieces of shit people can be. Let's not worry about anything that has to do with Donald.. he'll still be there at some point.

Yeah, well, maybe I won't be anymore.

Friends... Romans... Country Bears?

I've been going through things lately.. a lot.. very bad ones. But, one thing I think I have learned recently.. is that for all of my friends.. I've been a horrible friend. I've been doing it all wrong this whole time, and no one ever told me! I mean, always being there when they needed, trying to cheer them up, making them laugh. Apparently that's not what I'm supposed to do. It'll be hard to retrain myself to do this correctly, but, I want to be just as good a friend to all of them as they are to me, so, I will be ever vigilant.

Thoughts....

Well, surprise surprise, another not so uppy post. If you're still reading by now, you just understand that I have a dark view of life.. especially my own.

So, I've been thinking lately, about life as usual, but, about love. I know this sounds stupid, but, sometimes you just have to air things out.

So, for a while now, if there was someone I was interested in, or, shit, if I saw a cute girl, my mind would eventually wander, as all men do, to romantic thoughts. At the very least, maybe imagine making out, whatever.

But, I'm at a point where I can't imagine that, and imagine the other party being all that into it. Just in general I do have a bad view of myself. While I know I am a great guy, etc... you still have to get passed the physical. Now, I'm no monster, but, I sure as hell wasn't gifted in any area. No full head of hair. No symmetrical face/looks, overweight. Etc. You know. So, it's almost like I couldn't imagine bothering someone who I've got eyes for.

But, on the flip side. In the last three years, as far as this area of life goes, I've been kicked in the gut so many times, I'm at a point where I'm not sure I can really open up to someone. Yes, I know you have to take that risk, no risk, no reward. but, I've just failed so miserably so many times lately... I just know how I can do it again.

Wake Up

I'm going to ride this plane out of your life again.
I wish that I could stay but you argue.
More than this I wish you could've seen my face
In backseat staring out the window.

I'll do anything for you,
Kill anyone for you.

So leave yourself intact
'Cause I will be coming back.
In a phrase to cut these lips, I love you.

The morning will come
In the press of every kiss with your head upon my chest
Where I will annoy you
With every waking breath
Until you decide to wake up.

I've earned through hope and faith
The curves around your face
That I'm the one you'll hold forever.
If morning never comes for either one of us,
Then this I pray to you wherever.

I'll do anything for you.
This story is for you.
'Cause I'd do anything you want me to... for you.
I'll do anything for you,
Kill anyone for you.

So leave yourself intact
'Cause I won't be coming back.
In a phrase to cut these lips, I loved you.

The morning will come
In the press of every kiss
With your head upon my chest where I will annoy you
With every waking breath
Until you decide to wake up.

The Burden of Being Great

I remember a time where, even if I had no real idea of what I wanted to grow up to be, to do, to go, it never mattered. I'm not so sure if it does, really, yet, but, it seems to be weighing on me a lot.

Maybe it's because my life, for lack of wanting to explain every nook and cranny of it, it's stalled... going nowhere.

Now, technically, at work I've recently been given charge of my team, to an extent, as the two above me focus on other tasks that they are charged with. Now, of course it comes with nothing other than following up, and making sure others finish tasks (which when only two of you are there for a full shift, means I'll end up doing it all anyway) But, here's the thing. I'm at a point where I'm highly doubting this will be a long term venture.. this job, not the added responsibility. I don't consider it a career... I have no real intention, at this time, to ever want to be a manager, and not even so much as a supervisor anymore. Once upon a time, yes, but, politics taught me the error of my thinking.

So, there's the professional / business side. Now.. the rest.

So, basically, ain't no chick diggin me. Now, that's not all that new. I tend to be oblivious in the ways of women, obviously. But, at least I used to have proper reasoning to delude myself into that dream would be a reality soon. ?Over the last couple years, I've had a couple such situations. But now.. nothing. Not even a little thing. No Thing.

Now yes, if I got out more, blah blah. So, what exactly does a guy who rarely drinks, doesn't fit into a "bar/club scene" and doesn't even drink coffee supposed to do? Should I just give in, and change that? Why? for someone who probably won't appreciate me as much as I should be? Fuck that. Just stay alone, without knowing the touch, caress of someone who truly cares about me? I'm not so sure that's really a choice, but, I choose no on that.

So, what the hell? When you use over a year of time, energy, and thousands of dollars in money you shouldn't have on someone you think to be a relatively sure thing... what real motivation do I have to try to start that new, with someone you have no connection with (yet)?

It's a conundrum.

New Years Resolution... in August

So.. I've been thinking a bunch lately. About life, love, work, everything. At the beginning of this year, I started looking to move out, only to find that I really can't afford to live on my own out here. To find a place, one bedroom, in the LA area under $750 a month is a great find. Most are close to $1000 a month. Well, bad thing is, I average near $1100 a month. Yeah, it blows hard.

So, I'm going to start looking (although I've found an area I'm quickly falling in love with) at areas, prices, and all that again. But, the difference this time? It may not be in the area anymore. Read below for reasons why I've stayed. I have a couple good friends... great friends.. that I never want to lose. But, at the end of the day... I may have to sacrifice everything to try and be happy. I really hope it doesn't come to that... as I've put a lot of time and effort into getting the one thing I want most in life. but, if I am denied that, I dunno if I can stay. Maybe I could leave, then come back later... I'm not sure. I wouldn't plan it that way anyway.

Karma

You know.. people tell me.. A LOT, that a reason a lot of bad happens to me, is because I think negatively. Which, OK, granted, I don't say it's stupid, because it's just as logical as anything could be. Here's the thing though. At what point do you just smile at everything bad? I've gone through times where things were good, only to have something major happen. Car breaking down / destroyed. Being dumped, having to switch jobs. Whatever it may be.

Sometimes... most times, it's hard to find a smile, when you can barely find a reason to go on anymore. No?