Thoughts....

Well, surprise surprise, another not so uppy post. If you're still reading by now, you just understand that I have a dark view of life.. especially my own.

So, I've been thinking lately, about life as usual, but, about love. I know this sounds stupid, but, sometimes you just have to air things out.

So, for a while now, if there was someone I was interested in, or, shit, if I saw a cute girl, my mind would eventually wander, as all men do, to romantic thoughts. At the very least, maybe imagine making out, whatever.

But, I'm at a point where I can't imagine that, and imagine the other party being all that into it. Just in general I do have a bad view of myself. While I know I am a great guy, etc... you still have to get passed the physical. Now, I'm no monster, but, I sure as hell wasn't gifted in any area. No full head of hair. No symmetrical face/looks, overweight. Etc. You know. So, it's almost like I couldn't imagine bothering someone who I've got eyes for.

But, on the flip side. In the last three years, as far as this area of life goes, I've been kicked in the gut so many times, I'm at a point where I'm not sure I can really open up to someone. Yes, I know you have to take that risk, no risk, no reward. but, I've just failed so miserably so many times lately... I just know how I can do it again.

Wake Up

I'm going to ride this plane out of your life again.
I wish that I could stay but you argue.
More than this I wish you could've seen my face
In backseat staring out the window.

I'll do anything for you,
Kill anyone for you.

So leave yourself intact
'Cause I will be coming back.
In a phrase to cut these lips, I love you.

The morning will come
In the press of every kiss with your head upon my chest
Where I will annoy you
With every waking breath
Until you decide to wake up.

I've earned through hope and faith
The curves around your face
That I'm the one you'll hold forever.
If morning never comes for either one of us,
Then this I pray to you wherever.

I'll do anything for you.
This story is for you.
'Cause I'd do anything you want me to... for you.
I'll do anything for you,
Kill anyone for you.

So leave yourself intact
'Cause I won't be coming back.
In a phrase to cut these lips, I loved you.

The morning will come
In the press of every kiss
With your head upon my chest where I will annoy you
With every waking breath
Until you decide to wake up.

The Burden of Being Great

I remember a time where, even if I had no real idea of what I wanted to grow up to be, to do, to go, it never mattered. I'm not so sure if it does, really, yet, but, it seems to be weighing on me a lot.

Maybe it's because my life, for lack of wanting to explain every nook and cranny of it, it's stalled... going nowhere.

Now, technically, at work I've recently been given charge of my team, to an extent, as the two above me focus on other tasks that they are charged with. Now, of course it comes with nothing other than following up, and making sure others finish tasks (which when only two of you are there for a full shift, means I'll end up doing it all anyway) But, here's the thing. I'm at a point where I'm highly doubting this will be a long term venture.. this job, not the added responsibility. I don't consider it a career... I have no real intention, at this time, to ever want to be a manager, and not even so much as a supervisor anymore. Once upon a time, yes, but, politics taught me the error of my thinking.

So, there's the professional / business side. Now.. the rest.

So, basically, ain't no chick diggin me. Now, that's not all that new. I tend to be oblivious in the ways of women, obviously. But, at least I used to have proper reasoning to delude myself into that dream would be a reality soon. ?Over the last couple years, I've had a couple such situations. But now.. nothing. Not even a little thing. No Thing.

Now yes, if I got out more, blah blah. So, what exactly does a guy who rarely drinks, doesn't fit into a "bar/club scene" and doesn't even drink coffee supposed to do? Should I just give in, and change that? Why? for someone who probably won't appreciate me as much as I should be? Fuck that. Just stay alone, without knowing the touch, caress of someone who truly cares about me? I'm not so sure that's really a choice, but, I choose no on that.

So, what the hell? When you use over a year of time, energy, and thousands of dollars in money you shouldn't have on someone you think to be a relatively sure thing... what real motivation do I have to try to start that new, with someone you have no connection with (yet)?

It's a conundrum.

New Years Resolution... in August

So.. I've been thinking a bunch lately. About life, love, work, everything. At the beginning of this year, I started looking to move out, only to find that I really can't afford to live on my own out here. To find a place, one bedroom, in the LA area under $750 a month is a great find. Most are close to $1000 a month. Well, bad thing is, I average near $1100 a month. Yeah, it blows hard.

So, I'm going to start looking (although I've found an area I'm quickly falling in love with) at areas, prices, and all that again. But, the difference this time? It may not be in the area anymore. Read below for reasons why I've stayed. I have a couple good friends... great friends.. that I never want to lose. But, at the end of the day... I may have to sacrifice everything to try and be happy. I really hope it doesn't come to that... as I've put a lot of time and effort into getting the one thing I want most in life. but, if I am denied that, I dunno if I can stay. Maybe I could leave, then come back later... I'm not sure. I wouldn't plan it that way anyway.

Karma

You know.. people tell me.. A LOT, that a reason a lot of bad happens to me, is because I think negatively. Which, OK, granted, I don't say it's stupid, because it's just as logical as anything could be. Here's the thing though. At what point do you just smile at everything bad? I've gone through times where things were good, only to have something major happen. Car breaking down / destroyed. Being dumped, having to switch jobs. Whatever it may be.

Sometimes... most times, it's hard to find a smile, when you can barely find a reason to go on anymore. No?

How Soon is Now?

So... this coming Tuesday I go to see a therapist for the first time ever. This is hopefully good, and, also makes me nervous.

I'm a relatively smart guy, and I know I have issues. On top of that, I know what 90% of them are, and where they stem from. The only thing I've yet to figure out. is how to move passed them, and not let them effect my future.

Not the only major thing in my life that may change, but, let whatever may come, come.

Soon....

Well, I figure there will be a huge life change in the next few days/week. I can already feel it... maybe it's the paranoia. But, yeah. I'm not looking forward to it.

The Golden Rule, The Broken Mold

The Golden Rule. We've all heard of it, some people follow it to the T, some follow to some extent, and some completely disregard it.

So, for the most part, I live my life by it. Not on purpose, so to speak, but, if I don't care about you, I won't bother. No one, in my world, is given respect "just because" Everyone can be considered an idiot, just because though. Most times, people will earn the idiot label way before, if ever, earning another.

So, for many of whom I consider a friend, I will go very far out of my way to do what I can to help them, cheer them up, whatever.

Whether it be lending you my last $10, taking you to a movie when you've had a bad day, or, just being there. It's what I do.. and, it's what can make me your most awesome friend.. at times.

Here's the pain though. While a couple of the friends I do have, have done stuff for me... it seems like, on the cosmic scales, I'm way ahead, and not seeming to be getting mine.

Whether it be that work just really blows, and seems pointless right now, to my love life, if you can call it that, basically being dead. Family life is probably the most depressing of all. I really just have a triple threat of crap. No matter how hard I try to improve things, there' always at lerast one thing that is completely out of my control that just mucks up the whole thing.

To Dream the Impossible Dream

Something that has always been in the back of my mind, popping up to say hi every so often, is something I don't know if I ever could do.

Have you ever seen, maybe an older TV show, a movie, something where it'll usually be a father son, or family trip perhaps, where they're driving somewhere, and stop at one of those quaint little diners, with the little slice of Americana type of people, in that type of town?

I want to find one of those. Maybe even to the extent of take a road trip.

I don't think that can happen for me, not without having a devastating effect on the rest of my life.

Whether it be lack of money, a car that won't make it, or, just whatever the life toll of the month is at the time... it just seems less, and less likely this will ever be.

It seems that the only possibility of that, would to have the family road trip. But, then, I need kids for that, and, to have kids, someone has to love me, and not be afraid of physicality. Yes, I know you can have kids without those, but, I won't.

You Win Some... You Lose Some?

So, interesting weekend. One thing after another combined to show me that at least some people aren't completely horrible in life. I still have my caution though, naturally.

Between being offered a ride to, and from work all week, if I need it, to actually having two different rides available after work today was very alien to me. Count in having my supervisor buy me lunch three times in the last week, twice coming this passed weekend. It's been very odd.

But, I can't help but feel a bit worried about the possibility of love in my life right now. I'm getting the feeling that what I have now, is as much as is wanted from me. I hope I'm wrong, but, I just can't help but feel that she wants everything you'd get from a boyfriend, minus the physical stuff, and, not being able to keep an eye out for prospects.

Who knows, I'm sure it's just cause I have too much time to think about everything, combined with the fact that I can't tell if this is a "leave the space, and wait" or "make the move already" situation. Who the hell can figure that shit out, right?