Insert Witty title here

Another week starts, unfortunately.

I really am sick and tired of feeling this way. But I also have no clue how to really combat and change anything. The only avenues I know of, all rely on outside influences to affect the change. If it's anything relating to money, there's nothing I can do without someone giving me a chance and promoting me, or finding a better paying job, or one with more hours each week. Which ain't as easy as that sounds.

Then there are the days when you just want to talk through shit, either because you get caught in that loop of despair, or just need some kind of sounding board. But those don't really exist for me. Most of the people I talk to, all have a kind of "genre" for lack of better term. People know me from certain things, so they only know x, y, or z about me. Few get to really know me well enough to get what my daily/weekly life can consist of. Some are work friends, and some are friends for a certain thing. Whether it be via a game, or through music, or wrestling. But the vast majority of friendships I've had, have always been superficial, some a little deeper, but still not that deep and meaningful.

While that may sound sad [it is] or harsh [it could be] it's my life's design. I had trusted too many wrong people with the keys to the kingdom early on, and to this day have the residual scarring left over. So I'm overly careful, especially in certain areas of my life.

The worst part is when I still pretend to have a deep, meaningful friendship with a person, but then you step back and notice it really isn't. Not that is necessarily bad, but it's bad when you desperately need someone to talk to, or talk you down. Then going to a person you think understands and will listen, and maybe offer that glimmer of hope to calm the anxiety... it just makes it worse.

At this point in my life, I really don't have any deep friendships. I thought I did, I really did. I'm not saying the friends I have are bad, we all serve our purposes, and not everything has to be on the inner most thoughts levels. But, my problem is, I don't have that one. I have one who, I think, tries. It comes off like it at least. Bless her, but, it's just not her job to keep me alive.

Everyone has their own shit. Whether it's work related, relationship, trust issues, money worries, etc. So I'm not one to tell anyone to neglect themselves to help me. But, I also know there are a few who would ask themselves why I didn't come to them for help, after it's over.

If we had that kind of friendship...

I have.

But here we are. I don't want this anymore. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I really don't. 

Another Reboot or The Beginning of the End

My on again, and off again relationship of blogging. Once, or twice a year won't do anymore. Looks like it's time to fire it up again.

Wish I really had anything to talk about, honestly. As life has shown, over and over again, people either don't care to engage, or, just wait until you shut up so they can talk. I'm sure that's not unique to any of us, but, sometimes you need to shut up and listen.

Life is still... life. Had a huge thing occur earlier this year. Not many know of it, and I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who knows all of the details. But, going through that showed me one thing I know I knew, but, was always able to kinda pretend.

No one really gives a shit.,

Not actively, at least.

I have a few friends from around the country, and they don't apply here, because there's only so much one can do from hundreds of miles away.

But, it's really shown me that I really don't have friends. There's.. shit, I think it's literally 1 person that I do anything with on any kind of regular outing. Even that is only movie trips. Which is fine, wish there were more movies, or I had more free cash to go to others, but it works.

But, beyond that, everyone is digital. That has really taken a severe toll on me recently. I hit up one person, trying to set up a hey, let's have a celebratory night kind of deal. a.k.a let's just go do some shit. lol. But, since it was me asking, it got blown off.

Until HE needed some "guy time" and wanted to hang out. Unfortunately that was in the midst of my 3000 consecutive day work shift (may be slightly exaggerated)

Sadly, I would have wanted to do something still, even though when I need a day out, no one has the time, but I'm supposed to jump through hoops for everyone else.

Even when I do reach out, in a very real way, needing to be "talked down from a ledge" for lack of better term, I'm just given platitudes it seems. Or someone tries to out my-life-sucks me. That's definitely a running theme in my life. The phrase "others have it much worse" somehow is supposed to cure what's wrong in your life, as opposed to it being "others have it worse, asshole, you fucking idiot" which is how it lands.

It seems no matter how deep, or real, I try to be in conversations, because I desperately need it at times.... it's glossed over. There are things I'd like to mention, to bring up to talk about. I try to lead the conversation towards that path, sometimes, but get derailed by one of the aforementioned idiosyncrasies. 

So, I wonder. Am I supposed to just talk about it here? Would it be just as good as saying it to someone who's not fully invested in the conversation? The outcome would be the same, right? Theoretically at least.  

Maybe I will... maybe I won't. That would be for another time. It's a very heavy subject, and it's not the time to do that, as if the no one reading this would change. lol. Sigh.

Obsoletion

I'd love to say things never change, but we all know things do. For better, or for worse. Worse, in my case.

Here I sit, a month after my 39th birthday, now with officially no real life, in person friends. Maybe it's for the best that any social meetings are so very few, and far between. I have really been down, and extremely hopeless for a few months now, with just a random flash of "hey this ain't shit" mixed in. But, when the best friend you have is someone purely talked through through text, having hung out once, for a couple hours, after almost a year.. .that's not a great sign.

So, beyond that, it seems as if my neighborhood is officially a piece of shit now. I'm not sure how it happened. Everywhere has annoyances, random dogs, loud cars, whatever it may be, from time to time.

Well, mine is not only daily, it's pretty much all of those daily, multiple times, and some constantly. Between the dog next door who has owners who seem to not give a shit that it'll bark for an hour every time a bee farts, to the influx of rice rockets, and wannabe fast and furious twats. It's really driving me up the wall.

So, add in the constant noise, plus the shit people who live here, plus no friends, sprinkle in the absence of desire to do anything. No passion, not even excitement about a show, concert, hell even movies in 99% of the cases nowadays. I'm really at a loss.

The next couple months will be a massive, stressful toll on me, as I've backed myself into a corner on some stuff I've needed to take care of, and I may screw myself out of life, or a future because of it. I am hopefully that maybe there will be a consideration towards me, and it'll all be done soon, and I can move on, and out, and away. Or just fade away, as I've become obsolete.

Crystal Lake Trip

Jeg ønsker å bli Ferdig

I'm not sure where to go now. I've fought a lot to try to move my life forward. Within the course of a month, or two, it seemed two great opportunities came into my life. One, due to circumstances I can't control at the moment, was a sure thing, but I had to step aside. The jury is still out whether or not I dodged a bullet on this one, but for the short term it would have meant a lot more money (well, relatively speaking) and a step up.

On the other side, something as close to perfection as I've ever found. Sure, I could be seeing it all rosy and sparkly, and missing bigger issues. But, for the most part, this was the closest to exactly what I've looked for in ages. But it's just out of reach, may very well be permanently out of reach. This is a wait and see proposition though, so, I'll do just that. 

So, that leaves me with "what now?"

Yes, there are issues I'm currently, still, dealing with. Going forward will be a continuation of my efforts to chip those down until they're gone. There is still a long, steep road ahead. But, then what? 

Then what, indeed.

Villainy in the Times of Man

Something I've joked about... often... over the years, and have actually put thought into, when it was a topic on my mind. Villainy.

Let me step back, just a second here. Have you ever been asked "If you could have any super power, what would it be?" or something similar to that? I think most people have, or, at least, have heard of it... maybe just thought, on your own "Man, it'd be cool to fly, have xray vision" whatever the case may be.

So, my big semi-joke when talking on this, is that whatever power I had, I know I'd end up using it for "bad".Between that and my many actual thoughts, and comments on society, how the world works.. or doesn't, etc have led me to believe that I am, at least 50% but I'd bet more, villain.

Don't get me wrong, I'm in no way saying I'm an evil person. I'm not saying I'd go out and blindly murder, or harm others just for jollies. But, I have a view of good/evil that is different from the generic views.

Think about it, with some exceptions, of course, are villains really "evil"? Let's step away from the super hero/super villain archetype for a moment.... just think of some every day kinds of things.

Have you ever been cut off in traffic, and thought that guy is an asshole? I'm not saying driving crazy isn't an asshole move, but, how do we know he/she's not on their way to see a hurt, or dying family member? Or some other kind of emergency?

Sure, you shouldn't drive recklessly, because in the end the time you save is marginal. But, still, we all have done it at some point.

That's just a stupid example, but, think about it. "Evil" in many ways is just a form of selfishness. Again, I'm not talking about those who go out, kidnap, rape, torture, bomb, etc. This is just the general sense of what we see as villainy. And I don't recall many instances where such crimes are ever represented as villainy (even though they can be called that just as easy)

Where am I going with this? I think I've forgotten....

My main point, is that in many senses, I view myself as someone who could, very easily, be considered a villain. I don't see how I fit in this world, as we're "supposed" to anyway. I hate congestion, loathe big cities. Many instances, I just hate dealing with people, because they either get in my way, or halt my movement towards something in life. 

Some men just want to watch the world burn, they say.

Those are some of my favorite movies, and stories.

For British Eyes Only

It's been an odd time in my life, observing what I do. I really do feel like someone who's not participating in, but instead, watching the humans I am linked to. Be it friends, family, what have you.

I find myself being annoyed more often, but I appreciate that at least one friend is trying to reach out. Even if I don't need to hear some of the overly descriptive stuff he says. I'd rather have to squirm through that, than have no contact at all.... which is what my life is now. Not that it's really that different, but, yeah.

Speaking of this friend, sometimes when I observe our times out, whatever we're doing, I'm starting to think I don't know how to be a person, or, maybe he doesn't. I'm leaning towards thinking it's me.

He seems to get near orgasmic enjoyment out of all food, any form of cute girl, and shitting. Now, as much as I love food, food is food. I use it to try to fill that endless hole in my soul, that's it's function. I'm not sure if it's just exaggeration, or, am I really missing that chromosome?

Now, on to more usual things. I want to say my terrible choices in women, but, this is in that, and not. So, for the last few weeks I've been talking to this girl, all very random stuff. When I saw her pic, I thought, cute. But, since come to find out all this stuff, which makes her wholly unavailable (and with my lack of car, I hadn't really invested myself that whole heartedly into it. I considered it talking to a cute girl, and go from there.) so, my streak pretty much continues. I'm starting to think I really should stop looking, even as passively as I do. Right now I have low funds, and no car. So, what am I really going to find out there? It's only ok to have those qualities if you're a girl, cause more guys overlook that stuff. Not saying girls are all superficial, this is more logistical.

Well, that's about it. I know, nothing interesting. I just felt bad that I've not put an update up in ages.

I wish my life was more interesting, then maybe people would read this.

Love.... American Style

So, I decided to do something a little different on here for the next few posts. Instead of just ramblings of the day, I'm thinking I'll cover specific topics. Why not? Reading my posts come across as disjointed at times, and I know why, but, maybe these will be a slightly better read.

Not that anyone reads these, of course.

So, the inaugural topic, since it is that time of year, I'm starting off with sex. Sex, love, that whole shebang. 

Pun intended, naturally.

So, sex can be a complicated subject in general, but, it can be an odd one with me. Now, don't get me wrong, from what I recall of it, I'd loved it just as much as anyone else. BUT, I think between my self-image, and actual past experience, I am a bit gun shy going in for the kill.

When I was with my ex, I was made to feel like it was a bad thing. I don't believe intentionally, I fully believe it is how she was. But, you can't help but take it personally, I mean, c'mon.

Now, I'm not saying I wanted to tell everyone, and post shit, not at all. But, any little thing was such a federal case of embarrassment to her. Like I said, I'm sure it was more her insecurities, or what have you, but, there's no way in Hell I couldn't be effected by it. 

So, since then, while there have been a few random girls here or there, nothing more than a night of, sometimes, fun. I say sometimes because I seem to pick the laziest girls in the fucking world! Not all, just about half of my experiences have been just plain fucking terrible. I'll cop to the last two being more my fault, but, it goes back to the general theme of my life, me being inside my own head far too often.

So, as it stands, right this moment, it's been over 2 years since, well, anything. Even the smallest nothing, let alone anything more. To top that, it's actually been over 5 years since the last time I had good sex. This among everything lse has really been a swift kick to the ego, especially in romantic circumstances.

How am I suppose to feel like any girl would be interested, when the last ones who "were" did so much damage?

I'm just at the point where I've all but given up. Not just because of life's situational comedy that is my existence, but, why the fuck should I bother putting time into you, when you're probably going to be a piece of shit like the others?

Institute of Hypocracy

As anyone who has followed this blog, or, just skimmed the older posts knows, I am a man with a troubled soul. For the last few years my existence, and plans for the futures have been a struggle of duality.

We have the, let's call it, normal path, has always consisted of the more conventional things. Get a job, something that can be spun into a career. To be honest, that was as far as it went, because beyond that, it would be even more out of my control as to what happens.

Then, we have the inner me. The one who longs for exploration, adventure, not settling into a soul crushing routine.

While I have struggled to walk that line, to see some things through, or at least try them and mark it off my list. I now close in on the true unknown. One way or another my schooling ends this month. Even if the geniuses at my school placed me in an internship that has nothing to do with my schooling and, in fact, if it had been a place I found and pitched, it would have been denied because it doesn't meet the criteria set forth by the paperwork. I am currently at the half way point, and I literally do nothing beyond look up to see if we've gotten requested files in, and if not, try to contact the providers to follow up. 

This is not what I invested near $15,000 for. Now I'm set up to have a debt of about $9500 I'll have to pay back. So, they got their money... jokes on me I guess.

So, now that I near the end, the way things are, I'm almost sure I won't be kept on, and other than needing some form of income, I'm not that torn up. I excelled in school, and I have a lot more to offer than a useless link in a system of redundancy.

So, here are the options, and thought patterns.

1. My internship offers me a job. I already stated how I doubt this will be the case, if they do, I guess I'll plug along looking for another job as I at least get money, and feel terrible about it.

2. No spot is offered, so I go back on the job hunt. It is what it is there, not a lot of explaining to do.

3. If after a couple months there is no improvement, is it time to commit to my alternative plan? 

I won't fully explain that, people who know me well, know the basic idea. I'm sure I've talked of it on here as well. The thing is, if I do this plan, there is no coming back.... ever. This one is hard to really feel the full desire to commit to, mostly because of the fear of the unknown. The things, and people, I have here, that keep me sane, if that's what you call this, I'd miss greatly. The band, wrestling. Those things are very important to me, BUT, they don't sustain me. No fault of their own, they do exactly as they should. It's the insane amount of downtime in between, and the actual logistics of what I do that needs.... more.

While I do care about those, I have no day to day, week to week stuff that keeps me going. 

Best example, ever since I started the internship, this has been my life. 7am ish I wake up, leave to catch the bus at 8. Get out around 5-5:30p to take the bus home. That's it. While there have been a few things going on, they are all one and done. Things to try to shake up the monotony. All alone, of course.

So... if I'm going to be alone, actually alone.... what the fuck am I struggling to hang on to?

Muddled Clarity

There are times when I wish I knew who was out there. If my writing this is either entertaining someone, helping someone, maybe connecting, in some way, with any person out there.

Since it's inception, it has always been about me blowing off steam, for the most part. Mainly due to the severe lack of a real life counterpart in which to truly vent.

And to be honest, there are many, many things I don't speak of on here, most of the time for personal reasons.

I know it sounds odd, considering how personal most of my ramblings can be. But, there are some things in life that, let's be blunt, talking does nothing for.

There are those things in one's life that just are. Incidents have occurred, feelings were hurt, physical injuries, whatever the case may be. They just are, we try to get over them, suppress them, deal in which ever way we are able to.

I would hope that my words mean something, to someone out there. To me, I have re-read them, some of them, and it'll bring back a memory of what I was going through at the time. Tragedy, or triumph. Or, triumph that led to tragedy, whatever the situation.

Maybe these words are all for naught, and nobody really cares about them. I wish I knew. Whether I was inspiring someone... letting someone know that there is another pewrson dealing with some of these issues. A kindred spirit, or whatever. 

I wish I knew it mattered.

I wish I felt I could matter.