Life in the Now

So now that I am 3 weeks/4 classes into training, many things hit me, many times.

!. My body isn't in great shape, athletic wise. But, this I knew, hell, anyone who knows me knew that. I know it's holding me back some, which I am working on.

2. As much as I love it, and can't wait to make it on a show, I know the future ain't gonna be kind. If I keep it up, and go continually, by this time next year I imagine I can be on shows, and doing decently. Now, the making money part. Between working lame retail hours, and then trying to make enough of a name to get paid, in an arena that isn't known for paying overly generously. It can be somewhat demoralizing at times.

There are still many times, whether at training, on the way to/from, or just in general, I wish I would have moved instead. But, I know if I did that first, I'd always wonder "what if?" But, moreso on top of that, I wish I would have prepared myself for my great life adventure. Traveling the world.. just living day to day. That is still a possibility for the future, depending on how things go.. if I can get something resembling a real life started.

Who knows what the future holds. For now, I am doing what I can to make a go at this. I love it. I love watching it. The people in my class are amazing human beings, which I have a lack of in my day to day grind of life. Whether I make it or not, I am giving everything I physically can, even though I know in my heart it's not as much as it needs to be.

Choices

Two days left. Two days left for the Washington job opening. It closes Saturday.

Thoughts have flooded my head. On one side, the many of the what happens if I get the spot?

And, of course the other side, what if I don't?

Obviously, the odds are I won't, but, that doesn't mean I can't get it.

So, what happens if I do get it? I move on, and start my new life.

If I don't get it? Then I am still here, and figure my next move. Wait for another Washington/Idaho/Oregon store? I'd keep my eyes out. Maybe look further, into other states? Perhaps. Maybe look into that school, and that possible opportunity out here? Probably unlikely in the end, but, looking into it won't hurt.

Who knows how this will play out... well, I suppose if I read this back a few months from now, I will.

Hi future me! Did you get that thing I sent you?

Strange Days

It's become a strange trend in my life. Just as soon s I'm completely sure of something, I get thrown a curveball.

After a very long time of not having anything to do, anyone to hang out with, in the last week, 3 of my 4 days off have been spent out with at least one friend. Which culminated in last nights show, and hang out afterwords until 4am.

It's the simplest of things, but, has always been the hardest to capture for myself.

Back to Life, What a Reality

The one positive about standing in a store, staring at a vast curtain is that it gives you plenty of time to think.

Which I'm not wanton for, but I accrue in bulk.

So I am now in month 2 of trying to move onto my new life.. and all of a sudden I have things to do out here, and some things back in my life that I'd miss when I leave.

Ain't life a bitch?

So, now I have so many ideas, many of them are not a viable option, or, viable yet at least.

So, I gather more knowledge, and wait, hoping choice #1 will actually come through, for once, and I can be on my way.

But, what if the wait + these feelings is yet another sign, telling me that I'm not making the right choice? That perhaps my "last choice" is my best choice, and what I should do?

A Nod to You

After a long day at work, the usual routine was had. Groceries bought, and consumed.

Well, some anyway.

So, one last craving for the night. This called for a midnight trip to 7-11. A true bastion of the "I can't get to sleep" lifestyle.

As I walked home, I couldn't help but turn my head northward. A silent nod of Godspeed. Looking to the sky, wondering. What is it like to not know what tomorrow truly means? I know what I plan on tomorrow, albeit fun, it's another day. Full of food, fun, and action. But, for it to mean life or death, wide open possibilities.

One has to ponder.

Materialistic Sentimentality

For a month, or two now, I have been slowly getting rid of stuff. Things. Junk stored away. It feels good.

Of course it is in preparation of moving onto a new home town, a new store, and a brand new chapter in my life. Whether it happens that way, or a secondary way, it still feels good.

While it can be hard to part with some items, due to the sentimentality of the human condition, it's still very liberating.

As of this date, the majority of items I have parted with are clothing, and CD's/DVD's. Today was another batch of clothes. It's funny how you look at a shirt, and instantly you recall when you got it, who gave it to you, or some event wrapped around the item itself.

There in-lies the difficulty. I ran into that today, again. But, I looked at the shirt, and told myself, "You know you aren't going to wear it ever again." Which is most likely true, but, could be false as well.

Most of the clothing I've parted with has been too small for me to wear right now. So, in hopes that I will lose enough weight o wear it, I have held onto it. Funny.

I do imagine, one way or another, I will drop sizes. But, when that happens, I can very easily go buy 2 more shirts in that size, can I not? If they are needed that is.

It has been an odd feeling, a good one though, getting rid of stuff that clutters my closet, drawers, under my bed. It really does give me a sense of leaving an old persona behind, shedding a layer of skin.

I must do this more.

Life is a Funny Thing

It's funny, to look back on what I've written. To think back over 2010 and the realization of what the core issue was. The main problem that was pulling, straining, and blinding my sight.

It's funny how one person, one story, one though on one, non descript day leads to insight, and the opening of your mind.

What I once thought was a problem of loss, while the loss was great, lead to the revelation that what I once was, was a facade I put on to try to please what I thought mattered most, and was how one should be.

Ever since then, it's funny how I now know of someone who is quite like-minded. Only he has taken the step that I know I am not yet prepared for, mentally of practically.

Currently, I am trying the road of least resistance, to see if that solves the problem.

To be continued.

I'm not sure what to do anymore. I try, and try, and try... but, if people who know me don't seem to give a shit.. why should I?

I am at the point where I wish they could feel the pain, maybe then they would understand. But, if they don't care to help, why would they care about the rest?

You can't be a friend if you're never around when someone needs you.

Go, drink you booze, smoke your cigarettes, fuck all of you. I'm out.

The Great White North?

So.. holiday '09 is over.. and good riddance. Now, I look to the future. I still have to work it out with the biggest hurdle in my plan, but, as most know, I am going to try and make a pilgrimage to Alaska.. hopefully before summer.

I plan on making the drive, no flight, etc. According to Google Maps, it's going to be a 3 day trip, easily. I plan on making a stop or two here and there. Not sure if I'm going to do those along the way up, or home. Home would probably sound best.. just in case.

Spirit Journey Formation Anniversary

So.. today unceremoniously marked the beginning of year 32. What a year to forget, topped off by not much of anyone giving half a damn.

Now, going with the fact that I do nothing in life what involves friends, maybe I was naive in thinking that today would have been different than the last two months, or the next two.

But, you figure, a birthday is the one day you should get some attention, right?

I got one phone call from someone who said happy birthday, who had already texted me that as well. Two texts from family members, one of whom also showed up and said the same. Then two other people texted me the note.

Notice, only one showed up, and it wasn't actually to do anything with me, which is fine. But, yeah, Not one thing happened today, other than me sleeping, and going to 7-11.. a.k.a most any day of the year.

I seem to be the kind of guy who no one goes out of the way for. If I'm down.. ignore me. If I'm bored, make sure you constantly have other stuff to do, or, just don't answer a text.


Two years ago, I had a pretty kick ass time at a birthday party, that I threw for myself, because after years of hinting, you know, by straight saying I wanted a party. No one ever even bothered.

Last year I had another, which was bad. Just bad. I actually wished the next day I hadn't had it.

So, I decided to do nothing this year. But, as the day grew closer, I wanted to have people over/out. So, I decided, a dinner. So, the only people who showed up, were my family, whom I usually see everyday. Then one of my friends was there as well. Sure, a couple couldn't make it cause of work, that's fine. But, why can't people just say they won't make it? It courtesy really that hard, or, am I just the most amazing person in the world? I always tell people upfront, if I can't or possibly can't make it to something, I say that. Most times I'll say why too. Even if I say I'll go, then can't, I let them know.

But, not one. I sat there feeling like a big old pile of shit after about 20 minutes. Now, I don't take who came for granted but. Those are people I rarely ever go one week without seeing (as all but 3 live ion the same house, you see)

So, today. My actual birthday. I went over that list.

So, tomorrow is the party.

Mind you, it's a party at my house, but, wasn't for me. I was "allowed to add myself" to a party for my niece's friend (which is at my house, where neither of them live by the by)

So, I know of 2 people who say they're coming. There is also 2 more that made it seem like they are. 4. 31 years, and my life amounts to 4? Also, one of those 4 was coming over for the party whether it involved me or not anyway.

So, I'm planning on nothing next year. I'm tired of thinking there is something where nothing lies. Maybe if I make some decent friends at school, perhaps something with them. But, I'm just feeling too old to deal with this fucking disappointment everyday, and, on my birthday of all days as well.