Damage Inc

Reflecting back on my life, my younger life, as I do once in a while, I always wish I had one "incident" That one thing that fucked me up. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it in a good way, more of a "if I could deal with, and get passed that, then I can grow"

I don't have that.. or, if I did it fucked me up so bad that I completely blocked it, and it still haunts me, which I seriously doubt. Most of my life has been pretty uneventful, especially in that realm.

I mean, I still have some shell shock from my car crash, which was almost 10 years ago. I definitely drive 100% more defensively than I did then, and I was pretty defensive then!

But, the whole confidence thing, I have no idea why it's so lacking in me. I have suspicions, but, nothing really concrete. I was just always in a way, a frame of mind that told me I wasn't popular, wanted, etc.

I had friends in school, but, as soon as I left, I kept in touch with almost no one, because no one kept in touch with me.

It seems like, when I've brought that up to people, that it's almost made out to be my fault somehow. Saying that maybe I didn't try to keep in touch, which I call bull on. Even now, with people I've worked with, befriended through whatever media. If I invite them to do something, 9 times out of 10 they don't even bother to respond now, let alone take a second and say they can't on this day cause their busy.

see, in my world, if someone invited me to something, say just out to eat, on a day where I was busy, I usually say something like "I have to do something that day, but I'm free on this day/these days" to me that seems the friendly thing, no? You got to me late, because I have a prior engagement, but, let's hang out at this time, if you are free. But, I rarely, if ever have gotten that same consideration.

So, the second issue with that, is my lack of ever really doing things. It's hard to invite people to do something, when most of the something I do is sit at home and watch TV, or something of that sort.

I've gone off on a tangent here. That's another issue, for another day when I need to vent on that crap.

I know in order for my life to improve, and for my feelings on me to get better, I have to make small steps. Small victories that build up my faith in me, and my momentum to attempt bigger things, more important things.

But, even with that, the smaller victories I have had over the last 6 months, almost always end up with me in a worse spot than before it began. Not always, but, most times.

Even if it ends up for the best, it's still a shot that leaves the damage.

Just Watch the Fireworks

I have rarely been one to really let someone peer deep into my inner workings. Sure, it may seem like it here, but, this is almost always day-to-day week-to-week kinds of stuff, thoughts, dreams, etc.

This time, I'm going to admit something that is somewhat horrible, to me at least. People will view it as they view it.

I think we've all gathered by now that I don't feel loved. I know some say what some say, and I appreciate it, and believe it. But, it doesn't feel like anything, since no one is ever around. I don't have that regular outing with anyone, or a regular group who does things. It's usually just me, by myself.

So, that's already known. But, after watching a movie earlier, it brought back memories of feelings.. if that's a thing.

There has been many... many times in my life where I wished I had something wrong with me.. some real, tangible disease. Not necessarily a completely life threatening one, but, something bad. Because then, if even for one day, I could feel special, truly cared about. People might visit me, stop by and see how I am.. not what I can do for them.. or, worst of all, never show.

I haven't thought about that in a while, to my recollection at least. But, in a sense, the sentiment remains.

A few years back I threw myself a birthday party (because no one else ever will, it seems) the first one was pretty good. fun times were had, and all that. So, the next year I did it again. It was OK, for a minute, until the entire night was stolen by someone else.. who made the night about them. 

I know I'm not the life of the party, I don't light up rooms when I enter. I get that. But, at the same time, that was horrible. 

so, I had decided no more parties. So, the next year came, and I wasn't planning on anything, but my niece was going to throw a party for her friend, who's birthday is the day after mine. So, we ended up doing a double party. I had a few people show up for me, which I appreciated. But, still, once again, it wasn't a day for me.

So, with that, it sealed the fate of me throwing birthday parties.. Shit, it's tough to get more than 5 people for a regular party!

So, the next year came, and it happened that Jimmy eat World were in town playing a show that night. So, I drove out to Ventura, alone, to see the show. It was great, a pain of a drive, but, it was better than thinking the night was going to be for me.

Then 2011 came along, and PWG happened to run a show that night, so, boom, one year in Ventura, the next in Reseda. At least there were people I knew there, whom I don't see often.. and actually, some I've not seen since! (since I haven't been back to a show since.)

So, cut to last month. No such luck on a concert, or a wrestling show. It was a Monday after all. So, I went out and bought a DVD, I think, or something like that. Bought some 7-11 buffalo wings, and came home. That was my birthday. 

It's been, at least, 4 years if not longer, since I've even had a birthday cake!

I'm not extraordinary, or anything special like that. So, there really is only a 1 chance in 365/366 that I can feel like anything is about me, as life is now... and it's been 5 years since I felt that, even in a small amount.

Now, I did have two going away parties when I tried to.. er.. go away. hah. One was with people I really didn't know. The second was at my place, and it was fun, and cool, but it was really subdued, and laid back. Which makes sense, since I'm so much like that.

I just want to feel like I matter. Not like I'm just there, or so easily tossed aside.

It really, really sucks being me. I hate it. I have one great chance to change my life this year, and I've got to try and grasp it and hang on.. because, I have no idea how much longer I can call this an existence.

Cries for Help and #NobodieCares

I utterly, and completely hate my life. I have no idea how to get out of this situation without ending up in a worse one. One way or another, this has to end. Soon.

Running out of Change

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. Yeah, I know, what's different about that, right?

I know a change needs to be made. To be made soon. Or else this can only get worse.

People thrive on change all the time. Whether it's something huge like moving, getting married, having a kid, leaving a comfortable job for something new and exciting. All the way down to simpler things, like walking the block once a day, adding more fruits of veggies to your diet, or whatever more mundane thing I couldn't think of as a better example, hah.

This "life" I have must change. I have tried, and tried. Working on little things here, small things there. My life is an extremely lonely one, in pretty much every aspect you can fathom. I'm not a big fan of going out alone, so, in the absence of anyone ever wanting to do anything, or inviting me along... I do.. nothing. I'm not laying my life's problems upon my friends. I'm not saying my life would be all candy and rainbows if I were invited out more. But, at the same time, I don't have that core group that I feel I can really rely on to bring me up whenever things get down. I try to be that guy, and ain't that great, but, I get the brownie point for effort, right?

With that being said, I do try my best to embrace the solitude. Not everyday will ever be filled with wonder, not for about 99% of people in the history of ever, I know this. But, at the same time, I repeatedly ask people if they want to do stuff, and the vast majority completely ignore my invite. I know people have busier schedules than I, and I try to leave enough wiggle room at times. But, still, just no reply. 

The worst part of that is, I don't send out a mass invite to 200 people to do something. Not at all, at most, it's 10 tops. Usually more along the lines or 4 or 5. I suppose I should take the hint, and stop inviting them. But, if I don't, then I really have no one to invite to things. That's just not acceptable to me.

I know my darkness is off-putting, and people don't want to deal with their own problems, let alone someone elses. But, at the same time, I've never asked anyone to deal with my problems. There may be times when I may ask an opinion, or perhaps what they may do about something. But, that's very rare of me to do.

One of the biggest problems with me, is letting go. I want to believe that when someone says I'm important, that that words means more the the subtext of being important right this second, and not any others. Which, unfortunately, leads me to being betrayed, and confused about how people act.

I used to hear about that stupid "golden rule" all the time. For the most part, I treat people like I'd like to be treated. So, either I treat people shitty, and don't notice I am, or, I'm supposed to be an asshole to everyone else. 

Another thing I hate hearing, is when someone says they care. Especially when I'm having a particularly bad time. I'll get these someone loves you, we care, etc. My problem? While I know there are a handful of those whom care, truly do, I hold firm that actions speak louder than words. And inaction is the loudest scream of all.

I do know people who care, but due to distance, it's not viable to hang out very often, if really ever. I will never hold that against them. But, I also can't believe that nobody I know ever does anything, ever. Or does anything that can't include me once in a blue moon. 

I have been told, once or twice. If I want to hang out, invite someone. Fair, and good point. My problem is, I don't do anything. Then we have the bowling example from earlier. It's been such a long, hard road of this that the majority of the time I do make any kind of plan to go somewhere, I plan it as a solo outing, because I know no one can go, or will get back to me before it's time to go.

I don't want this to come off completely negatively towards my friends. I care in my own ways for each, whether it be a good friend, a casual acquaintance, whatever our relationship is, it is what is is for reasons that molded it.

I need to find a passion, something that takes my mind away from all of this, and I can direct my energies towards. What? I have barely a clue. It should be an interesting first quarter of 2013. Once the next Spence tour is over with, big decisions need to be made. I have an idea or two in mind, but they need to be fleshed out more. It may lead to a betterment of myself, or, it will lead to the demise of anything possible.

It is my life. My fucked up, sad, sorry excuse for a life. It needs to change, or be done with. And I'm pretty close to running out of change.

Sines of a Tangent

I think I've come to realize, after much inward thought, and reflection. The one thing I long for, the thing I want most, is something real. Something tangible. Whether that be a drive, a passion to do something, some sort of job, career, what have you. Or anything.

I really haven't that one thing to really cling to. There are a couple things worth keeping a grasp on, but, it's really fading pretty fast. I'm in a bad, bad way. In a very bad spot. And the only logical way out, seems such a horribly dead ending job, yet again. Never being anything worth anything.

Perhaps it is my destiny, my place in life to be insignificant, or, at least left to feel as such.

Trust Company

One of the stranger aspects of me, of my being, my psyche, is just how often I forget that people suck. They do! Now, don't get me wrong, there are a handful of people who are a positive in my life. But, just how quick I can trust someone, even a little bit, and believe the words they say at times is just ridiculous.

My favorite part is when I'm demonized for putting my faith in a person, then have that person hit me with a snide remark, when they were the aggressor, the perpetrator in allowing me to be so free.

It's funny, in a way I suppose. It really is the reason why there are so few who know me. Well, that, and most times I don't feel like knowing certain people. If I don't know why I should care, I'm not going to care to open up. You know?

I suppose it's always good to relearn a lesson, much like I have. Don't trust anybody isn't just a slogan it seems.