Villainy in the Times of Man

Something I've joked about... often... over the years, and have actually put thought into, when it was a topic on my mind. Villainy.

Let me step back, just a second here. Have you ever been asked "If you could have any super power, what would it be?" or something similar to that? I think most people have, or, at least, have heard of it... maybe just thought, on your own "Man, it'd be cool to fly, have xray vision" whatever the case may be.

So, my big semi-joke when talking on this, is that whatever power I had, I know I'd end up using it for "bad".Between that and my many actual thoughts, and comments on society, how the world works.. or doesn't, etc have led me to believe that I am, at least 50% but I'd bet more, villain.

Don't get me wrong, I'm in no way saying I'm an evil person. I'm not saying I'd go out and blindly murder, or harm others just for jollies. But, I have a view of good/evil that is different from the generic views.

Think about it, with some exceptions, of course, are villains really "evil"? Let's step away from the super hero/super villain archetype for a moment.... just think of some every day kinds of things.

Have you ever been cut off in traffic, and thought that guy is an asshole? I'm not saying driving crazy isn't an asshole move, but, how do we know he/she's not on their way to see a hurt, or dying family member? Or some other kind of emergency?

Sure, you shouldn't drive recklessly, because in the end the time you save is marginal. But, still, we all have done it at some point.

That's just a stupid example, but, think about it. "Evil" in many ways is just a form of selfishness. Again, I'm not talking about those who go out, kidnap, rape, torture, bomb, etc. This is just the general sense of what we see as villainy. And I don't recall many instances where such crimes are ever represented as villainy (even though they can be called that just as easy)

Where am I going with this? I think I've forgotten....

My main point, is that in many senses, I view myself as someone who could, very easily, be considered a villain. I don't see how I fit in this world, as we're "supposed" to anyway. I hate congestion, loathe big cities. Many instances, I just hate dealing with people, because they either get in my way, or halt my movement towards something in life. 

Some men just want to watch the world burn, they say.

Those are some of my favorite movies, and stories.

For British Eyes Only

It's been an odd time in my life, observing what I do. I really do feel like someone who's not participating in, but instead, watching the humans I am linked to. Be it friends, family, what have you.

I find myself being annoyed more often, but I appreciate that at least one friend is trying to reach out. Even if I don't need to hear some of the overly descriptive stuff he says. I'd rather have to squirm through that, than have no contact at all.... which is what my life is now. Not that it's really that different, but, yeah.

Speaking of this friend, sometimes when I observe our times out, whatever we're doing, I'm starting to think I don't know how to be a person, or, maybe he doesn't. I'm leaning towards thinking it's me.

He seems to get near orgasmic enjoyment out of all food, any form of cute girl, and shitting. Now, as much as I love food, food is food. I use it to try to fill that endless hole in my soul, that's it's function. I'm not sure if it's just exaggeration, or, am I really missing that chromosome?

Now, on to more usual things. I want to say my terrible choices in women, but, this is in that, and not. So, for the last few weeks I've been talking to this girl, all very random stuff. When I saw her pic, I thought, cute. But, since come to find out all this stuff, which makes her wholly unavailable (and with my lack of car, I hadn't really invested myself that whole heartedly into it. I considered it talking to a cute girl, and go from there.) so, my streak pretty much continues. I'm starting to think I really should stop looking, even as passively as I do. Right now I have low funds, and no car. So, what am I really going to find out there? It's only ok to have those qualities if you're a girl, cause more guys overlook that stuff. Not saying girls are all superficial, this is more logistical.

Well, that's about it. I know, nothing interesting. I just felt bad that I've not put an update up in ages.

I wish my life was more interesting, then maybe people would read this.

Love.... American Style

So, I decided to do something a little different on here for the next few posts. Instead of just ramblings of the day, I'm thinking I'll cover specific topics. Why not? Reading my posts come across as disjointed at times, and I know why, but, maybe these will be a slightly better read.

Not that anyone reads these, of course.

So, the inaugural topic, since it is that time of year, I'm starting off with sex. Sex, love, that whole shebang. 

Pun intended, naturally.

So, sex can be a complicated subject in general, but, it can be an odd one with me. Now, don't get me wrong, from what I recall of it, I'd loved it just as much as anyone else. BUT, I think between my self-image, and actual past experience, I am a bit gun shy going in for the kill.

When I was with my ex, I was made to feel like it was a bad thing. I don't believe intentionally, I fully believe it is how she was. But, you can't help but take it personally, I mean, c'mon.

Now, I'm not saying I wanted to tell everyone, and post shit, not at all. But, any little thing was such a federal case of embarrassment to her. Like I said, I'm sure it was more her insecurities, or what have you, but, there's no way in Hell I couldn't be effected by it. 

So, since then, while there have been a few random girls here or there, nothing more than a night of, sometimes, fun. I say sometimes because I seem to pick the laziest girls in the fucking world! Not all, just about half of my experiences have been just plain fucking terrible. I'll cop to the last two being more my fault, but, it goes back to the general theme of my life, me being inside my own head far too often.

So, as it stands, right this moment, it's been over 2 years since, well, anything. Even the smallest nothing, let alone anything more. To top that, it's actually been over 5 years since the last time I had good sex. This among everything lse has really been a swift kick to the ego, especially in romantic circumstances.

How am I suppose to feel like any girl would be interested, when the last ones who "were" did so much damage?

I'm just at the point where I've all but given up. Not just because of life's situational comedy that is my existence, but, why the fuck should I bother putting time into you, when you're probably going to be a piece of shit like the others?

Institute of Hypocracy

As anyone who has followed this blog, or, just skimmed the older posts knows, I am a man with a troubled soul. For the last few years my existence, and plans for the futures have been a struggle of duality.

We have the, let's call it, normal path, has always consisted of the more conventional things. Get a job, something that can be spun into a career. To be honest, that was as far as it went, because beyond that, it would be even more out of my control as to what happens.

Then, we have the inner me. The one who longs for exploration, adventure, not settling into a soul crushing routine.

While I have struggled to walk that line, to see some things through, or at least try them and mark it off my list. I now close in on the true unknown. One way or another my schooling ends this month. Even if the geniuses at my school placed me in an internship that has nothing to do with my schooling and, in fact, if it had been a place I found and pitched, it would have been denied because it doesn't meet the criteria set forth by the paperwork. I am currently at the half way point, and I literally do nothing beyond look up to see if we've gotten requested files in, and if not, try to contact the providers to follow up. 

This is not what I invested near $15,000 for. Now I'm set up to have a debt of about $9500 I'll have to pay back. So, they got their money... jokes on me I guess.

So, now that I near the end, the way things are, I'm almost sure I won't be kept on, and other than needing some form of income, I'm not that torn up. I excelled in school, and I have a lot more to offer than a useless link in a system of redundancy.

So, here are the options, and thought patterns.

1. My internship offers me a job. I already stated how I doubt this will be the case, if they do, I guess I'll plug along looking for another job as I at least get money, and feel terrible about it.

2. No spot is offered, so I go back on the job hunt. It is what it is there, not a lot of explaining to do.

3. If after a couple months there is no improvement, is it time to commit to my alternative plan? 

I won't fully explain that, people who know me well, know the basic idea. I'm sure I've talked of it on here as well. The thing is, if I do this plan, there is no coming back.... ever. This one is hard to really feel the full desire to commit to, mostly because of the fear of the unknown. The things, and people, I have here, that keep me sane, if that's what you call this, I'd miss greatly. The band, wrestling. Those things are very important to me, BUT, they don't sustain me. No fault of their own, they do exactly as they should. It's the insane amount of downtime in between, and the actual logistics of what I do that needs.... more.

While I do care about those, I have no day to day, week to week stuff that keeps me going. 

Best example, ever since I started the internship, this has been my life. 7am ish I wake up, leave to catch the bus at 8. Get out around 5-5:30p to take the bus home. That's it. While there have been a few things going on, they are all one and done. Things to try to shake up the monotony. All alone, of course.

So... if I'm going to be alone, actually alone.... what the fuck am I struggling to hang on to?