I hate my depression. I really do. Not that anyone loves theirs, I know this. Between that, and the way my mind works.. it's always a constant struggle once it starts. No matter the outcome, it's always a bad one for me. Either I drive people away, annoy them, get made to feel like an idiot. Whatever it may be.
I wish I knew what it was that was wanted, and needed to quell it, if not cure it. Distractions are always nice, but, it only pushes the problem away, to come back with a vengeance at a later time, it seems.
I love that I am, let's say odd, for lack of better terminology. I have my quirks, my interesting stories. My crazy wit at times. but, there is always that constant darkness riding in the backseat, trying to grab the wheel. Sometimes it does, and it has a grip of iron. It's one of those fights that you never know how much longer you have the strength to fight, and sometimes the idea of just giving in is so god damned appealing, it makes it that much harder to fight.
No one should ever be burdened with my darkness, and I do my best to shield those from it... very few have ever known any real extents. I feel no good would come of it to let people know that part. They aren't going to fix it, and 99% of people I know wouldn't understand it in anyway that is productive.
Funny how moods can change on such a bullshit whim. I will never fully hide who I am... it is who I will always be. I don't expect anyone to be able to deal with it, or even want to put up with it.
I don't know what to do.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Saturday, December 22, 2012
What(ever) May Come
It has been a long time since I've had real feelings. Obviously other than struggling with my depression. It's not always an easy thing to let anyone in. Especially on real things. Things that are hard to say, but hard in the sense that it opens up vulnerabilities.
It took me a long time to pick myself up, learn who I am, the kinds of things I want in life, or at least the paths I'd like to explore, to see if they are for me.
I have built up a protective layer around me, which isn't always a great thing.. but it has served me well enough since it's inception.
I have close friends, I have casual acquaintances who know me, but haven't reached the real inner levels yet. Then there's that one person in the many faces I meet that finds that crack in the wall. The fissure that went unnoticed for so long, and whether they meant to or not, they've gotten stuck in there, and they've seeped through into the squishy core of who I am.
I admit, the whole idea has scared me a bit for some time, but it hadn't been a real thought in my mind in ages. for many reasons. But now, it is very real, and it is throwing me off some.
I mean that all in good ways, because what I am feeling, and what is going on is amazing, to me. I don't fully know what it all means, what I am to her, or what will happen. There are some differences in things between us, which there should be, really. You can't date yourself! Well, you could, I suppose.. but it's not as fun. Well, you know what I mean.
I am not pessimistic in this, for once. Most people who know me, know that I am quite the pessimist. To be honest, I usually am due to that wall I built. It tends to make it easier, even though it's a shit outlook to have. I know, but it's a sadly safe view.
Time will tell. Good, bad, or whatever may come.
It took me a long time to pick myself up, learn who I am, the kinds of things I want in life, or at least the paths I'd like to explore, to see if they are for me.
I have built up a protective layer around me, which isn't always a great thing.. but it has served me well enough since it's inception.
I have close friends, I have casual acquaintances who know me, but haven't reached the real inner levels yet. Then there's that one person in the many faces I meet that finds that crack in the wall. The fissure that went unnoticed for so long, and whether they meant to or not, they've gotten stuck in there, and they've seeped through into the squishy core of who I am.
I admit, the whole idea has scared me a bit for some time, but it hadn't been a real thought in my mind in ages. for many reasons. But now, it is very real, and it is throwing me off some.
I mean that all in good ways, because what I am feeling, and what is going on is amazing, to me. I don't fully know what it all means, what I am to her, or what will happen. There are some differences in things between us, which there should be, really. You can't date yourself! Well, you could, I suppose.. but it's not as fun. Well, you know what I mean.
I am not pessimistic in this, for once. Most people who know me, know that I am quite the pessimist. To be honest, I usually am due to that wall I built. It tends to make it easier, even though it's a shit outlook to have. I know, but it's a sadly safe view.
Time will tell. Good, bad, or whatever may come.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Best End of Year Ever
It's been a crazy last quarter of 2012 for me. I've already rambled enough about the tour. Other than that, once I got home it was back to the old way of life, after Oregon, and before the tour. For a couple days.
It's been a long, long time since I've been this kind of happy. don't get me wrong, the tour was fun, and all of that. But there were ups, and downs, and a lot of feeling the outsider. Mostly my fault there, but I was new.. blah blah.
But, over this last week, I've been happy when I've woken up. Even if I am shivering cause it's really cold in here. The adventure of getting to know someone. Someone who you connect with so well is amazing. Someone who truly accepts you for who you are. I really don't feel like I have to be "on" with her. I don't feel I have to buy her affection. I don't have to constantly chat her up.. even though we do talk a lot.
It's silly, funny, serious, poking fun, and sincere. It's very fresh, to me, that someone can be honest, and forthcoming. I don't feel as though either of us is having to torture us to get to know things.
I like this girl, a lot. I like the way she makes me feel, and I like the way I feel about her. And we all know how pessimistic I tend to be. Maybe the end of this year has started a good change in my life, and in me.
It's nice to look forward to things, good things. Even if it is something simple.
It's been a long, long time since I've been this kind of happy. don't get me wrong, the tour was fun, and all of that. But there were ups, and downs, and a lot of feeling the outsider. Mostly my fault there, but I was new.. blah blah.
But, over this last week, I've been happy when I've woken up. Even if I am shivering cause it's really cold in here. The adventure of getting to know someone. Someone who you connect with so well is amazing. Someone who truly accepts you for who you are. I really don't feel like I have to be "on" with her. I don't feel I have to buy her affection. I don't have to constantly chat her up.. even though we do talk a lot.
It's silly, funny, serious, poking fun, and sincere. It's very fresh, to me, that someone can be honest, and forthcoming. I don't feel as though either of us is having to torture us to get to know things.
I like this girl, a lot. I like the way she makes me feel, and I like the way I feel about her. And we all know how pessimistic I tend to be. Maybe the end of this year has started a good change in my life, and in me.
It's nice to look forward to things, good things. Even if it is something simple.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Hope and Fear. Times Are Changing
Now here I sit, a couple weeks removed from the Act of Rising tour. Even through the struggles, the blown tire, re-welding the axle. Having to replace said axle because it was a piece of crap. The sad times, the lonely times. Here I sit, looking back and thinking, it was such an adventure.
Met a bunch of new friends, and a handful of colorful characters along the way. In some ways, I can't wait to get back out, and do it all again. But, in some ways, I hope the time doesn't fly by too fast.
Why you ask? Nosey!
My birthday was bleh, as per usual. No one even stopped by, or wanted to hang out. But, whatever I suppose. It is what the day usually is, to be honest. I mean, the last two years I spent my birthday alone in Ventura, and at a PWG show in Reseda. Which were fine, but you always miss having that one day where people make you feel special.
Although, since my birthday, I've had a lot of those kinds of days. And not so much where -people- made me feel special, as much as one certain person.
So my years spent on various dating sites finally paid off by finding an amazing girl. She has a lot of the same qualities that I have.. the good ones, and even some of the bad. She really is awesome. Every morning I look forward to saying hi at some point of the day, I usually can't wait too long though. I'm weird like that. Haha.
Everytime I hear my phone go off, it brings a smile to my face.. well, until I realize it's not her. But that's OK, you know I'm pretty popular right now. I really like her, and can't believe I found someone so pretty, so crazy awesome that likes me too. I won't go on and on, but I just have to say, I really like this girl.
I anticipate the time when we will be in each others company again, and enjoy even the awkward silences that occur. I am quite cautious in my life with whom I let in, and what I let them know. Life in the past has shown me that you do need some level of protection, just in case. But, something about this girl let he sneak right through. I think she used some form of teleportation device. That's got to be it!
Well, time to go and try to do something about getting rid of this POS phone that I have. I'm tired of putting everyone's numbers back in every month/every few weeks.
Until next time...
Met a bunch of new friends, and a handful of colorful characters along the way. In some ways, I can't wait to get back out, and do it all again. But, in some ways, I hope the time doesn't fly by too fast.
Why you ask? Nosey!
My birthday was bleh, as per usual. No one even stopped by, or wanted to hang out. But, whatever I suppose. It is what the day usually is, to be honest. I mean, the last two years I spent my birthday alone in Ventura, and at a PWG show in Reseda. Which were fine, but you always miss having that one day where people make you feel special.
Although, since my birthday, I've had a lot of those kinds of days. And not so much where -people- made me feel special, as much as one certain person.
So my years spent on various dating sites finally paid off by finding an amazing girl. She has a lot of the same qualities that I have.. the good ones, and even some of the bad. She really is awesome. Every morning I look forward to saying hi at some point of the day, I usually can't wait too long though. I'm weird like that. Haha.
Everytime I hear my phone go off, it brings a smile to my face.. well, until I realize it's not her. But that's OK, you know I'm pretty popular right now. I really like her, and can't believe I found someone so pretty, so crazy awesome that likes me too. I won't go on and on, but I just have to say, I really like this girl.
I anticipate the time when we will be in each others company again, and enjoy even the awkward silences that occur. I am quite cautious in my life with whom I let in, and what I let them know. Life in the past has shown me that you do need some level of protection, just in case. But, something about this girl let he sneak right through. I think she used some form of teleportation device. That's got to be it!
Well, time to go and try to do something about getting rid of this POS phone that I have. I'm tired of putting everyone's numbers back in every month/every few weeks.
Until next time...
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