To Dream the Impossible Dream

Something that has always been in the back of my mind, popping up to say hi every so often, is something I don't know if I ever could do.

Have you ever seen, maybe an older TV show, a movie, something where it'll usually be a father son, or family trip perhaps, where they're driving somewhere, and stop at one of those quaint little diners, with the little slice of Americana type of people, in that type of town?

I want to find one of those. Maybe even to the extent of take a road trip.

I don't think that can happen for me, not without having a devastating effect on the rest of my life.

Whether it be lack of money, a car that won't make it, or, just whatever the life toll of the month is at the time... it just seems less, and less likely this will ever be.

It seems that the only possibility of that, would to have the family road trip. But, then, I need kids for that, and, to have kids, someone has to love me, and not be afraid of physicality. Yes, I know you can have kids without those, but, I won't.

You Win Some... You Lose Some?

So, interesting weekend. One thing after another combined to show me that at least some people aren't completely horrible in life. I still have my caution though, naturally.

Between being offered a ride to, and from work all week, if I need it, to actually having two different rides available after work today was very alien to me. Count in having my supervisor buy me lunch three times in the last week, twice coming this passed weekend. It's been very odd.

But, I can't help but feel a bit worried about the possibility of love in my life right now. I'm getting the feeling that what I have now, is as much as is wanted from me. I hope I'm wrong, but, I just can't help but feel that she wants everything you'd get from a boyfriend, minus the physical stuff, and, not being able to keep an eye out for prospects.

Who knows, I'm sure it's just cause I have too much time to think about everything, combined with the fact that I can't tell if this is a "leave the space, and wait" or "make the move already" situation. Who the hell can figure that shit out, right?

A Cautionary Tale of Numero Dos

So, here I am again. Million thoughts on my mind, but nothing profound to say.

At what point do you stop fighting for/to get something? Say it's something you really want. Whether it be a certain job, new car, what have you. Something that is always on your fingertips, but, just seems impossible to grasp. You get to a point to where you feel you've done everything within your ability to attain it, but, it still eludes you.

Do you just give up? I mean, what else can I do? I've tried so hard that it's probably backfired on me anyway. I mean, why give up more to me, when you can have pretty much everything in a relationship you want, without having to give up certain things. Am I right? Or just very confusing?

Do I just make a bold move/statement? Do I just sit back and keep waiting? Ugh.

The Pains of Management Organization

So, again, here I be.

So, I found out that now I have to wait until Monday, for work, where I'll have yet another interview, from yet ANOTHER person for the musical instruments department.

Whether I get it or not, this sort of emphasizes my biggest complaint. Our store is relocating about two blocks away (we'll be a part of the nearby mall now, as opposed to a seperate building) now, the musical department is brand new to our store. But, we open the new store August 7. Three weeks from yesterday.

So, most of us will be interviewed by the supervisor on Monday, some on Tuesday I'm imagining. So, decision by Friday, ish? So, any learning, and orientation with any new systems (like setting up lessons and whatnot) will have to be learned in the two weeks after. Mind you, while we try to get stuff ready to move to the new store.

It's retared, to say the least.

Just a random rant I felt like putting down.... Until next we meet.

I'm Under Your Spell

So, here's my first. No real reason to make up one of these. Hell, I could do this on myspace.. facebook, wherever. I just think, if someone spends the time to actually go here to see this, then it means something to me, at the very least.

So, rough week, yeah, as always. Most anyone who reads this will already know, but, hey, for posterity, right?

So, this Thursday, after work most likely I'll be going up to look into getting a "new" car. I have no money to do so, but, first, I'm gonna see if they can even finance me. From there, I'll talk trade in value on my current car, and see what's what. Prices at this place don't seem too bad, it'll be harder. Since I never seem to have money, to add another couple hundred in bills seems ridiculous... but, I know where my money goes....

Firstly, I don't count the bills, gas, stuff like that. No matter what, I'll be paying those. But, my biggest drains of money are food, naturally and my attempt at wooing the girl.

She says I don't have to do such things for her, which I do appreciate, and understand. But, on the flip side, if I do nothing, am I not just passively admitting defeat, or, just not trying, and letting another guy possibly slip in and take all I've worked for for so long? Not saying she's the kind of person who would leave me hanging on until she finds "something better" I've never thought that of her. But still, you know how it can be.

On another topic, that can be tied in, somewhat... my mom. Living with her is starting to depress me more and more every week. Just to see how pathetic a life she/we now have because she didn't even think, once, apparently, to plan for her future. I don't expect her to pay for me, in fact, with only a few exceptions, I've been paying most of my way for a while here.

Before my grandma died, we all lived rent free, because she, and my grandfather thought ahead, worked hard, and provided. My mom? not so much.

I'm all for helping out, where helping out is needed. But, yesterday, she came in my room, as she's doing way too fucking much, and asked if I had a couple dollars. I did have a single one on me, and maybe something in change, but, honestly, I had $20 to last until Friday at the time, combined. So, I never asked what she wanted, but, I'd assume cigarettes. Cause, you know, food? Beverage? Bills? nah, those are far more important that stupid vices.

To top it off, this morning, our first interaction, she tells me she took one of my cup o'noodles from my cabinet. Mind you, she didn't wait to ask me... which I'd almost always say OK, unless something was already planned. But, this is exactly why I've never left anything of mine outside my room, she knows this, and didn't give a shit, because she wanted soup, which she did not have, as opposed to a sandwich, eggs, etc, which she DOES have.

This is what has led me to be very bitter towards people in general. The constant lack of respect for me as a person, and my property as a whole. It truly makes me feel like I'm not a person, I have no feelings. I'm just something that has money, or material for others to take at their own whim.

So, the tie in? If I go get that car, with the more I'll be paying in bills, it'll be hard, if not completely impossible to move out, at any time, in the next couple years, if I stay at my current job, and current shit wages.

On the other hand, I can't not have a car. If I keep the money, and move out, I'll need transportation, not to mention, in the time I'm saving, I'll be completely stuck in this insipid house.

Of the two, I'd rather get the car now. I'm being very realistic in this. I'm not saying "I am getting a car this week/next week" but, I am actively looking, with intent to purchase, if possible. I was burned once, and I won't ever buy a car from some person off the street again.... just because I never trust the not knowing when the last time anything was serviced.

I think I'm done for now. Until next time....