Denial in Absolution

Strange thing, the other day. Not going to dip into too much detail, because if/when it comes to it, I am doing my best to leave no trail for anyone to stop me.

But, as I started... the other day I passed by the area where I had come so close to driving myself to, and ending it not too many months ago. I tried not to think about it too much as we appoached and passed by. All in all, I don't think that'd be the spot anymore, if it came to it. In all honestly, if the time comes, I imagine just walking off into the nowhere. Living out a few days, a week, maybe a month tops, and just fading away.

In a sad poetry, that seems far more fitting of my life than some big grand jump off of this, shoot yourself, whatever other methods you want to think of. Those seem too violent for my nature, and why shouldn't I die as I lived? In the background, where no one noticed?

Fuck this, I'm done here.

Hesitation

I've been thinking a lot over the last couple of weeks (I know, shocking, isn't it?) Being that it's now just over a year since my failed attempt at moving on with my life, leaving Cali, and manning up, let's say for sake of what I'm dreadfully realizing in my life.

I digress... as I said, I've been thinking. I have many faults, obviously. Yes, I know, everyone has theirs. I am me, I deal with mine, others deal with theirs. 

One of my greatest foes in life, is my own hesitation. I actually got enough up to leave my job of almost 7 years. I took a month for myself, to decompress, get affairs in order. I had thought about leaving for so long, but, now it was on the precipice of being my reality.

I said my goodbyes, did the rounds as best I could. Boxed up my entire life, shoved as much of it as I could in my car, got in, and actually left.

In hind site, two opposites are clear:

1. I should have had something waiting for me. A job, a place, friends, SOMETHING. The fact that I was moving into a new state, with no friends or anything eventually got to me, among other insecurities.

2. I should have said "fuck it" and stuck with it, at least for a few months. 

I had told myself, before leaving, that I'd give myself at least 6 months, unless things got really bad. I ended up giving myself a couple days.

I fucked up bad. 

Given, since coming home I was able to tour with Spence, and got back an old friend because of it. I got to ring announce for IWL, worked the music for Mach 1, and camera work at MWE. All things I would not have had, had I stayed gone. Or, perhaps I would have with other companies, other places (minus the Spence tour, of course)

Given my current situation, it was obviously the wrong choice, as now I'm stuck in a position that is killing me, in so many ways.

I try to be as strong as I can, but, I am starting to fear that I might be more bi-polar, than just suffer from depression itself. I still am very depressed. Maybe I deserve it. I know I'm my harshest critic (even reading these blogs, you don't know the half of how hard I on myself.) but, at the same time, I'm just lost.

Part of me wants a defining moment. That point where you feel like you're worth it, like a man, something. A right of passage almost. 

This one is going to end here, somewhat abruptly, yes. But, I'm just making it feel worse by saying this, but, it's something I feel the need to release.

State of Life and Death

I'm so tired. Physically, emotionally.. all of it. All I really, really need right now, is something so simple. Work. For Christ's sake I'm not asking for a 6 figure full time benefit laden job. Hell, 20 hours a week is just fine.

Beyond the facts that I NEED a job, my life is completely being held hostage by the lack of one.

No money, so, no gas to go anywhere. What gas I have has to be used very sparingly.

Entertainment is a hit and miss, monetarily. There's nothing I really need. but, just to be able to get out of the house, and do something positive would be great.

I fight, and fight, and fight. Put in applications, have had a couple interviews. It's killing me.

Ask yourself... how many times have you awaken, and wished you hadn't? I mean beyond the "I don't wanna go to work" or do whatever tedious task that may lay ahead?

How often to do wish that some catastrophic issue would arise, heart attack, aneurysm, whatever. Something that could put you out of your misery like that?

i do, very often, and sometimes daily.

See, as controversial a thought this would be, if anyone ever really read these. I'm far too cowardly to kill myself. There still lies a little hope in me that things will improve. But, at the same time, I could lay out some pros and cons from, let's say the last 5 years, since I've been struggling with this affliction for far longer than that.. it seems like a nice number.

There are many things that are far better now, than they were then. Obviously one thing is massively worse, but, I do not speak of it, even if it eats away at me constantly.

But, beyond that, all of the better stuff in my life hasn't really changed anything. I love the wrestling shows, helping Spence, all those things. but, at the end of the day, life still sucks. I don't know if it's just because it has for so long for me. Maybe I can't be happy. I have no clue. I'll have a day, here and there, where things are fine. But...

I have no idea what happens once we're gone. Is that the end completely? Do you go to a Heaven or Hell? Reincarnation? Something else? no one will ever know, until it's their turn. And honestly, I feel that I am a bit of a waste of resources. Burdensome on those around me. While I try my best to be helpful, aiding people, advancing what I can. If I can never feel worthy of life, do I have a right to keep having one?