Insert Witty title here

Another week starts, unfortunately.

I really am sick and tired of feeling this way. But I also have no clue how to really combat and change anything. The only avenues I know of, all rely on outside influences to affect the change. If it's anything relating to money, there's nothing I can do without someone giving me a chance and promoting me, or finding a better paying job, or one with more hours each week. Which ain't as easy as that sounds.

Then there are the days when you just want to talk through shit, either because you get caught in that loop of despair, or just need some kind of sounding board. But those don't really exist for me. Most of the people I talk to, all have a kind of "genre" for lack of better term. People know me from certain things, so they only know x, y, or z about me. Few get to really know me well enough to get what my daily/weekly life can consist of. Some are work friends, and some are friends for a certain thing. Whether it be via a game, or through music, or wrestling. But the vast majority of friendships I've had, have always been superficial, some a little deeper, but still not that deep and meaningful.

While that may sound sad [it is] or harsh [it could be] it's my life's design. I had trusted too many wrong people with the keys to the kingdom early on, and to this day have the residual scarring left over. So I'm overly careful, especially in certain areas of my life.

The worst part is when I still pretend to have a deep, meaningful friendship with a person, but then you step back and notice it really isn't. Not that is necessarily bad, but it's bad when you desperately need someone to talk to, or talk you down. Then going to a person you think understands and will listen, and maybe offer that glimmer of hope to calm the anxiety... it just makes it worse.

At this point in my life, I really don't have any deep friendships. I thought I did, I really did. I'm not saying the friends I have are bad, we all serve our purposes, and not everything has to be on the inner most thoughts levels. But, my problem is, I don't have that one. I have one who, I think, tries. It comes off like it at least. Bless her, but, it's just not her job to keep me alive.

Everyone has their own shit. Whether it's work related, relationship, trust issues, money worries, etc. So I'm not one to tell anyone to neglect themselves to help me. But, I also know there are a few who would ask themselves why I didn't come to them for help, after it's over.

If we had that kind of friendship...

I have.

But here we are. I don't want this anymore. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I really don't. 

Another Reboot or The Beginning of the End

My on again, and off again relationship of blogging. Once, or twice a year won't do anymore. Looks like it's time to fire it up again.

Wish I really had anything to talk about, honestly. As life has shown, over and over again, people either don't care to engage, or, just wait until you shut up so they can talk. I'm sure that's not unique to any of us, but, sometimes you need to shut up and listen.

Life is still... life. Had a huge thing occur earlier this year. Not many know of it, and I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who knows all of the details. But, going through that showed me one thing I know I knew, but, was always able to kinda pretend.

No one really gives a shit.,

Not actively, at least.

I have a few friends from around the country, and they don't apply here, because there's only so much one can do from hundreds of miles away.

But, it's really shown me that I really don't have friends. There's.. shit, I think it's literally 1 person that I do anything with on any kind of regular outing. Even that is only movie trips. Which is fine, wish there were more movies, or I had more free cash to go to others, but it works.

But, beyond that, everyone is digital. That has really taken a severe toll on me recently. I hit up one person, trying to set up a hey, let's have a celebratory night kind of deal. a.k.a let's just go do some shit. lol. But, since it was me asking, it got blown off.

Until HE needed some "guy time" and wanted to hang out. Unfortunately that was in the midst of my 3000 consecutive day work shift (may be slightly exaggerated)

Sadly, I would have wanted to do something still, even though when I need a day out, no one has the time, but I'm supposed to jump through hoops for everyone else.

Even when I do reach out, in a very real way, needing to be "talked down from a ledge" for lack of better term, I'm just given platitudes it seems. Or someone tries to out my-life-sucks me. That's definitely a running theme in my life. The phrase "others have it much worse" somehow is supposed to cure what's wrong in your life, as opposed to it being "others have it worse, asshole, you fucking idiot" which is how it lands.

It seems no matter how deep, or real, I try to be in conversations, because I desperately need it at times.... it's glossed over. There are things I'd like to mention, to bring up to talk about. I try to lead the conversation towards that path, sometimes, but get derailed by one of the aforementioned idiosyncrasies. 

So, I wonder. Am I supposed to just talk about it here? Would it be just as good as saying it to someone who's not fully invested in the conversation? The outcome would be the same, right? Theoretically at least.  

Maybe I will... maybe I won't. That would be for another time. It's a very heavy subject, and it's not the time to do that, as if the no one reading this would change. lol. Sigh.

Obsoletion

I'd love to say things never change, but we all know things do. For better, or for worse. Worse, in my case.

Here I sit, a month after my 39th birthday, now with officially no real life, in person friends. Maybe it's for the best that any social meetings are so very few, and far between. I have really been down, and extremely hopeless for a few months now, with just a random flash of "hey this ain't shit" mixed in. But, when the best friend you have is someone purely talked through through text, having hung out once, for a couple hours, after almost a year.. .that's not a great sign.

So, beyond that, it seems as if my neighborhood is officially a piece of shit now. I'm not sure how it happened. Everywhere has annoyances, random dogs, loud cars, whatever it may be, from time to time.

Well, mine is not only daily, it's pretty much all of those daily, multiple times, and some constantly. Between the dog next door who has owners who seem to not give a shit that it'll bark for an hour every time a bee farts, to the influx of rice rockets, and wannabe fast and furious twats. It's really driving me up the wall.

So, add in the constant noise, plus the shit people who live here, plus no friends, sprinkle in the absence of desire to do anything. No passion, not even excitement about a show, concert, hell even movies in 99% of the cases nowadays. I'm really at a loss.

The next couple months will be a massive, stressful toll on me, as I've backed myself into a corner on some stuff I've needed to take care of, and I may screw myself out of life, or a future because of it. I am hopefully that maybe there will be a consideration towards me, and it'll all be done soon, and I can move on, and out, and away. Or just fade away, as I've become obsolete.