As The World Opens Her Eyes

So today (Thursday) I decided to go camping. Since the doctor's visit put the nix on doing the whole week, I eventually decided that I should for one day.

So, I drove up to Crystal Lake, since it would be free camping for me. I was planning on staying one night, since I had plans on Friday.

So, I get there, find a campsite. Park, set up the tent and everything. It was still pretty early, so I decided to hike to the lake. But, on the way I actually ran across a trail on the opposite side, so I hiked that. Came back around and hit the trail that goes towards the lake.

Anywho, it was all fine and (tiring) well. Then, nothing. I think I finally figured it out, something I think I knew, but, now can't deny.

I love hiking, and adore the outdoors. But, I absolutely hate being there alone.

I can't really keep myself amused for long, in most situation. I know my stories, and, I have tons of time alone as it is, so, it's not like I'm any more creative or anything out there.

It's nice, and quiet, very calming. That's all nice and well, but, with no one there, what's the point?

The coolest part, though, was after I decided I was going to leave early, and not stay overnight. I decided I'd wait til it got dark, because I love seeing te field of stars, not blocked by out pollution. So, as fast as the Sun sets, it wasn't setting fast enough. So, I decided to walk down the road a bit, which reminded me of a horror movie at times.

Imagine, walking down a street at dusk, no street lights, no light at all, really. No cars, nothing but the sounds of the creatures stirring in the woods.

It was kinda awesome. But, it was time to leave. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

All in all, a learning experience.

Then we go onto the weekend. Friday was great. Got to hang out with a bunch of the guys, friends of old and new. Had a couple of conversations that helped me, made me feel good, bad, and everything in between. 

Saturday had nothing for me. Just watched some TV, movies, sat around the house. As well as Sunday. Which is fine, cause it's been a bit too hot for my own liking. 

So, things are, hopefully, in motion for my near future. That'll give me something to update here, and, hopefully give me some great stories to tell.

Well, that's it for now, as always until next time, have a good one!

Any Fool Can Make a Rule, and Any Fool Will Mind it.

So.. not even 24 hours after making my last post, life decided to tell me no.

I had been having an issue with my foot for about a month, or so. Nothing so bad I couldn't walk, or do a lot of things. But, in the last week it had gotten worse, and now even wearing a shoe could be annoyingly painful.

So, I had two choices. 1. Continue my planned trip, with a really sore foot. Which would have been a massive downer.

Or 2. go to the doctor.

So, I decided on the latter, and went to the doctor. So, with high hopes, I was wishing it would be something simple. Something fixable in a day or two, if not immediately.

That's what I get for wishing.

So, it's a small viral infection that has to be taken care of, daily. I have two medications to use to kill it. One for the morning, and one for the evening.

Now, I still could try the trip, but maybe take my car instead. This way I could carry more. But, my main issue would be cleaning the area daily to apply said medication.

I might still go camping, in a lesser form, as I have found a place that would only be $5 a night. But that wasn't the main point of the trip. So, I am currently undecided as to what I will do. All I know is it's a massive let down. Truly devastated. But, in the same vein, possibly it's the universe telling me to stop, or wait.

It's funny, because at any point over the last month I could have had it looked at, but, in my house, growing up, you never went to the doctor. Everything eventually went away. It's really hard to break that mentality.  And now, looking back, not only did it bite me in the ass, it kicked me where it hurts.

On a side note, that will come off cold, or mean perhaps, one of our dogs died today. She had been suffering for a while. We've had her since she was a pup, but I never grew any attachment to her. Sad, yes, but, merely another side note in my many days here.

Well, that's all for now. Not used to posting on consecutive days, I promise it won't become a habit.

The Core of Mans' Spirit Comes from New Experiences

Posting this earlier than I had planned.. so my initial opening line won't work. It was a good one though.

So, I am now in the middle of my vacation. There have been very fun, great, inspirational, and eye opening times so far. Along with a lot of down town too.

So, at some point within the next 24 hours, I will be walking into the wild. I plan on spending the majority of my last week off living out of a back pack. Still, even at this late moment, I couldn't even say where I'm going to, even if I wanted to.

But, even if I did, I wouldn't, as it defeats one of the purposes.

Now, one thing I learned from my failed Yosemite, and Sequoia trips (other than not having a real snow shovel with me in the winter) is one simple word.

Options.

I'm eliminating one big thing from my trip.

My car.

I am riding the bus to as close as I can get, and then walking in. If I can catch a ride, I will, but, I will not have an easy ride out. So, if it gets slightly annoying, or tough, I can't just give up as easily. It would be a long walk out.

I am not taking much, just what I feel I need, which I know will be far less than I should have. But, that's one of the points.

To paraphrase a quote I love; "I know how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong but to feel strong. To measure yourself at least once. To find yourself at least once in the most ancient of human conditions. Facing the blind death stone alone, with nothing to help you but your hands and your own head."

I am as mentally prepared as I can be, without having faced what I will, before. I am as physically prepared as I could get myself, considering my lack of discipline.

It will be hard, it will suck, but, the quiet, and simple beauty are something I need to experience, for a few reasons, none of which I will go into on here.. not now at least.

I am planning on taking one of my old journals with me, so I can note whatever I might need to, sketch, kill a little time. Whatever I may need it for.

Yes, I do know there is a small "stupidity" factor in there, as I have very little survival knowledge, or training. But, there in lies the freedom of what I am doing.

To be free. Not many know what that is, and even what I am set to do is barely touching that, as I will still be constrained by a deadline to return to work.. so I can make that ever so needed money, for those ever so needed bills, brought about by said job in the first place.

I have not yet packed away everything, and while I will have my phone with me, it will be off, and will most probably die at some point midweek, knowing the great technology we have.

There is a small chance, as with everything in life, of accidents, unforeseen circumstances that may leave me in not a great state. I honestly feel that injury is at about a 5% chance, knowing myself, and my limitations, and abilities. But, I am 100% aware that there are things I haven't planned for.. things I couldn't think of having happened. So, if that 5% happens, I am prepared for it, mentally, if a mentality could apply there.

For now, I shall leave this place with one more quote.

"It should not be denied that being footloose has always exhilarated us. It is associated in our minds with escape from history and oppression and law and irksome obligations. Absolute freedom. And the road has always led west. "

It's Not Suicidal Dreams, it's the Realization of Nothing

Touchy wording, yes, but, something that's been on my mind all week, and, oddly enough, it was even part of a story on the show Louie. Synchronicity I suppose.

See, I pride myself on being pretty real. No one likes it, most days, but in a sense they respect that that's me.

So, here's my mindset lately.

I have surpassed the feeling of "I don't know what I'm doing/to do with my life" to, "I don't know if I really care now"

Let me expand.

For the longest time, I've had no dreams. Nothing non-generic. Sure, I'd love to have a family, live in a nice house, and lead a decent life.

But, what does that mean? What is life?

I feel I know a good deal about me, what I want, what I don't. But, it's that what I want that troubles me.

I don't feel like I want anything really.

I have no real desire to be rich, of make a 6 figure salary. Unless it was with something I love.

But, here's wall number 2. What do I love? As far as something that could be turned for a profit.

I do love my new wrestling stories, the people I have met are all awesome, and fun. But, even so, I have a feeling that I would like to go back to training. But, I know that there isn't a ton of money in wrestling, so, even if I got to the point of working shows, I'd still need a "regular" job. It's that regular job part that irks me.

Apparently, according to Best Buy policy for part time workers (since they fail to communicate what is "required" for full time employees to me) part time people need to be completely open Friday-Sunday. Then, open at least 2 morning, and 2 evening shifts during the week.

Mind you, this is for part time, who are only really supposed to be scheduled 20-26 hours a week anyway.

So, let's say you're going to school. Well, looks like you have to have one set of classes at night, and one in the morning. But, with that, you'd probably still be screwed, because they want you to work when they say, and then maybe, just maybe they'll allow you to better yourself.

See, with that being part time "expectations" I could only imagine the full time ones.

So, instead of trying to get a store to work well with what they have, they just restrict you from trying to do anything else, unless they say it's OK.

Doesn't sound so great to me!

So, I've already gone on about my hatred for retail, and just societal work in general. Enough on that, until they shove the dick further up our collective asses.

So, back on topic. What does one do when one doesn't really feel passionate about something?

Let's look at my personal life. In the last 2 years, the only person I have gone on a date with, is my ex. Stupid move in the end, but it seemed right at the time. Also, I think it had to be done. There was a fucked up sense of closure for me.

Since then, not one. Not for lack of trying through personal sites, and even a couple attempts at going out with a girl at work. Those failed, obviously.

I used to live my life from moment to moment. The anticipation of an upcoming show. Vacation time, birthday, holidays, etc. But, I almost don't even care about that anymore either.

Holidays are meaningless to me. All it is is people coming over here, being annoying, even when I'm far away. I don't miss my family, because I have never been away from them, nor do I care about the complaints they have.

Plus, it's not like Thanksgiving of Xmas can mean much, with the way they work us to the bone at work. Oh, we get a half day off for Thanksgiving, because we have to be up at the ass crack of this evening to set up for the clusterfuck that is Black Friday? Super!

Then Christmas falls under my above complaint.

So, at the end of the day, it's not that I have any desire to die, I just really can't find a real reason to live. If that makes sense.