The Burden of Being Great

I remember a time where, even if I had no real idea of what I wanted to grow up to be, to do, to go, it never mattered. I'm not so sure if it does, really, yet, but, it seems to be weighing on me a lot.

Maybe it's because my life, for lack of wanting to explain every nook and cranny of it, it's stalled... going nowhere.

Now, technically, at work I've recently been given charge of my team, to an extent, as the two above me focus on other tasks that they are charged with. Now, of course it comes with nothing other than following up, and making sure others finish tasks (which when only two of you are there for a full shift, means I'll end up doing it all anyway) But, here's the thing. I'm at a point where I'm highly doubting this will be a long term venture.. this job, not the added responsibility. I don't consider it a career... I have no real intention, at this time, to ever want to be a manager, and not even so much as a supervisor anymore. Once upon a time, yes, but, politics taught me the error of my thinking.

So, there's the professional / business side. Now.. the rest.

So, basically, ain't no chick diggin me. Now, that's not all that new. I tend to be oblivious in the ways of women, obviously. But, at least I used to have proper reasoning to delude myself into that dream would be a reality soon. ?Over the last couple years, I've had a couple such situations. But now.. nothing. Not even a little thing. No Thing.

Now yes, if I got out more, blah blah. So, what exactly does a guy who rarely drinks, doesn't fit into a "bar/club scene" and doesn't even drink coffee supposed to do? Should I just give in, and change that? Why? for someone who probably won't appreciate me as much as I should be? Fuck that. Just stay alone, without knowing the touch, caress of someone who truly cares about me? I'm not so sure that's really a choice, but, I choose no on that.

So, what the hell? When you use over a year of time, energy, and thousands of dollars in money you shouldn't have on someone you think to be a relatively sure thing... what real motivation do I have to try to start that new, with someone you have no connection with (yet)?

It's a conundrum.

New Years Resolution... in August

So.. I've been thinking a bunch lately. About life, love, work, everything. At the beginning of this year, I started looking to move out, only to find that I really can't afford to live on my own out here. To find a place, one bedroom, in the LA area under $750 a month is a great find. Most are close to $1000 a month. Well, bad thing is, I average near $1100 a month. Yeah, it blows hard.

So, I'm going to start looking (although I've found an area I'm quickly falling in love with) at areas, prices, and all that again. But, the difference this time? It may not be in the area anymore. Read below for reasons why I've stayed. I have a couple good friends... great friends.. that I never want to lose. But, at the end of the day... I may have to sacrifice everything to try and be happy. I really hope it doesn't come to that... as I've put a lot of time and effort into getting the one thing I want most in life. but, if I am denied that, I dunno if I can stay. Maybe I could leave, then come back later... I'm not sure. I wouldn't plan it that way anyway.

Karma

You know.. people tell me.. A LOT, that a reason a lot of bad happens to me, is because I think negatively. Which, OK, granted, I don't say it's stupid, because it's just as logical as anything could be. Here's the thing though. At what point do you just smile at everything bad? I've gone through times where things were good, only to have something major happen. Car breaking down / destroyed. Being dumped, having to switch jobs. Whatever it may be.

Sometimes... most times, it's hard to find a smile, when you can barely find a reason to go on anymore. No?

How Soon is Now?

So... this coming Tuesday I go to see a therapist for the first time ever. This is hopefully good, and, also makes me nervous.

I'm a relatively smart guy, and I know I have issues. On top of that, I know what 90% of them are, and where they stem from. The only thing I've yet to figure out. is how to move passed them, and not let them effect my future.

Not the only major thing in my life that may change, but, let whatever may come, come.

Soon....

Well, I figure there will be a huge life change in the next few days/week. I can already feel it... maybe it's the paranoia. But, yeah. I'm not looking forward to it.

The Golden Rule, The Broken Mold

The Golden Rule. We've all heard of it, some people follow it to the T, some follow to some extent, and some completely disregard it.

So, for the most part, I live my life by it. Not on purpose, so to speak, but, if I don't care about you, I won't bother. No one, in my world, is given respect "just because" Everyone can be considered an idiot, just because though. Most times, people will earn the idiot label way before, if ever, earning another.

So, for many of whom I consider a friend, I will go very far out of my way to do what I can to help them, cheer them up, whatever.

Whether it be lending you my last $10, taking you to a movie when you've had a bad day, or, just being there. It's what I do.. and, it's what can make me your most awesome friend.. at times.

Here's the pain though. While a couple of the friends I do have, have done stuff for me... it seems like, on the cosmic scales, I'm way ahead, and not seeming to be getting mine.

Whether it be that work just really blows, and seems pointless right now, to my love life, if you can call it that, basically being dead. Family life is probably the most depressing of all. I really just have a triple threat of crap. No matter how hard I try to improve things, there' always at lerast one thing that is completely out of my control that just mucks up the whole thing.