Tired

I'm tired. So tired of all of it. 

I'm tired of being disregarded as a friend, a human, a family member, just a person in general.

I find it sad that I've had to condition myself to "not care" about certain things, just to try and minimize the damage it can, and will do to me.

Those who know me know I've mentioned, at times, that no one has even tried to throw me a birthday party in, probably, 15 or so years.

I threw myself one two years in a row, only to have it stolen by a self-centered family member.

That would be bad enough, as it sits, if it weren't for the fact that there seems to be some sort of party, or gathering for any little thing for anyone else.

Hell, they don't even have to be related to us to get a party!

I'm not looking for some big blow out, but, for the love of Christ, I dated a girl for just under 8 years, who never once bothered to even try to have a small get together for me.

I never ask for much, even if I'm in dyer need of it, but, there's one day a year that you would think I'd be treated nicely, made too feel special. Right?

Far too much to ask. Far, far too much.

Now, if you know me, this would seem odd, as my birthday isn't until December. But, it's hot off the couple of recent parties. One for my ex-sister-in-laws son, who isn't the son of my brother. They have the party here. Then, one of my nieces is apparently moving, and having a kid (daughter of a half-brother I've rarely ever seen due to his criminal ways, and the girl I've not seen in, I'd say, 7-9 years by the way) At least the latter has some sort of blood relation to us.

Anyway, this all just adds fuel on the fire of why, as soon as I'm able to, I am leaving this place, and these people in my past.

A Beautiful Lie

Something I fight with, on an almost daily basis, an inner struggle with outward effects. The thought, the idea, the meaning of having passion.

People can be passionate about damn near anything. Faith, politics, music, photographs, you name it, there is someone who has thrown themselves into that 100%. For better, or for worse, they are doing something meaningful.

Even if it is something you are not profiting off of. The starving artist, hoping to sell a painting at an art walk.

The musician who records a song, and just hopes some people will like it enough to buy an album, a shirt, pay to see them play.

Then, there is me. There are things I like, things I enjoy, things I love. But, I can't put my finger on something I'm passionate about.

I tend to blame it on the time in life leading up to now, but, there are a handful of reasons behind it, none of them easy to explain, and even hard to understand at times. 

I've done things. Written music, recorded music. Played music for others. Created pieces of photoshop "art" for lack of better term, for others, to aid in their passions.

I've stepped in the ring, behind the camera, behind merch tables. That would be the closest thing to attach passion to. Whether it was touring the country, or just driving out 15 minutes to man a table, or whatever it may be.

But, even with that, it is so few, and far between, it's hard to truly enjoy it at the most.

Which is issue #2 for me, living in the moment, or, enjoying it, without having it dampened by something in the past, or knowing it'll be ending in an hour, or whatever it may be.