Angel, or Demon

Over the last few days I've been re-watching the series Heroes. Even though I'm not a fan of how the last season or so went, I have many strong connections with this show, and it's themes.

For the majority of my life, I've done what i can to live it in a good light. Sure, there was always darkness, but, that was my darkness.

If a friend was in need, and I could help, I would. No matter how many times I may have been ignored, or left to my own devices by that very same friend.

Looking at my life, what has happened, I tend to ask. What the fuck was I thinking?

Given, I ask that about a lot of things that have happened.

It has made me think, many times. What would happen if I had power. I'm not even talking about super powers or anything, just, actual power. How long could I go before I abused it? Before I made those under me suffer the wrath? I've paid a lot of dues in life. Whether it be simple grunt work, to running errands for whatever reason. Still, what do I really have to show for it? I can't find work, because of many things, but I have no single piece of paper from some muckity muck saying I know how to do something.

I'm sorry I just know, without having to spend $40,000 on some school that used to be something you did as an apprentice, and learned on the job.

But,
I digress. 

My point here, is that, if I could ever truly have some sort of power, I think I would do what I can to keep it, to grow it. Heroes... villains... It really does come down to whose perspective you view it from... does it not?

The Butterfly Effect

You always hear stories in life, about how certain people turn out they way they do. For instance, say, growing up, you had an abusive parent. Let's say you had a father who drank too much, and either physically, or verbally abused you, a sibling, mother, or any combination.

With that scenario, you either grow up to do the same, continuing the circle of violence, and pain. Or, you turn out the opposite. Of course there are always people who find a path in the middle, but, usually you hear of the extremes.

It's hard to explain my childhood, and not just because I can't recall most of it. I had a blah existence. I never knew my father. Mother worked, usually 9-6ish jobs. So, it was my grandparents who took me to school, picked me up, and all that. We've, realistically, never been a truly close family.

I'm not here today to talk about that, so much, this is my blog, and this is about me.

So. Yeah. Growing up that way, there are times that I do recall, and it was usually times that are on the negative side, of course. Times when it seemed like choices just skipped me. My next youngest sibling is my sister, who is ten years older than I, for those who don't know. So, by the time I really could be a coherent human, she was a teenager, so, no one near my age. That was what it was. So, her daughter, my niece, is only 8 years younger than I. So, I have more memories of her and I, than my siblings. 

So, let's throw out a for instance.

We used to do something every summer, for summer vacation. Nothing cool like family trips, just trips to Disneyland, Knotts, some amusement park more often than not.

So, forgetting a bunch of details, I remember one year it was up to us where we went. I said one place, my niece said another, and they picked hers. It's the only time I recall us having real input on where we'd go... and I was ignored. This is how I view my life, in a nutshell.

So, with that kind of cold, and somewhat negligent upbringing (trust me, there is much, much more. But, I'm not going into it now, perhaps pieces will, or have come out before) I have never, ever, felt like I amount to anything.

I've had people tell me how appreciative they are of me, how much I've made their lives easier in some instances. Lots of praise for things. But, thanks to how I grew up, I'm so fucking damaged, I get no real enjoyment from life. I actually, almost hate being alive.

Sometimes you hear the "what if" question. If you could change one thing, etc. I have multiple answers. If I could go back and change something in my life, I would have pursued wrestling at 17, like I wanted, before I was basically laughed at for asking to look into schools.

But, when I really sit down, and think.... if there was one thing I could truly, honest to God change about my life. It would be me having one. 

I know there wasn't any plan on me being born. I know I was an accident. It happens. But... for any good I've brought this world. Laughs with friends, helping someone out, being the right guy at the time for whatever the situation was. I hate my life. Some of it is attributed to how I was raised, yes, of course, that laid the groundwork for who I am. But, I've fucked it up pretty bad. In some ways, beyond real, true repair.

I really don't know how much longer I care to fight for it. I am trying, some things have fallen my way, sort of. Kinda in the way that the shit hit the fan, and you got it all over you, but, hey, it didn't fly in your mouth! Kind of way, if that makes sense.

I feel worthless, meaningless. Just a burden on others, which I am reminded of on a weekly basis, if not more often. I am my harshest critic. I am the villain in my story... and sometimes I feel like the Grim Reaper is meant to be the hero....

What am I Fighting For?

I need a vent, a real, true vent. But, there is nothing tangible to aide in this release.

so, I figure, why not go here, and bitch some more. It doesn't completely help, but, it doesn't really hurt to do it either. So, let me uncork my skull, and leak some brain damage on this screen.

I am trying, I am fighting to live. In ways, at least. There still is that small ponytail of hope residing in the deepest part of my being. Maybe things will start falling into place, leading me from the depths of the dark darkness that I inhabit. But, on the flip side, that darkness is such a part of me, what if there really isn't a me without it?

To anyone who may read this, now, in the future, whenever. Let me throw this question, or these questions out.. since I tend to go one way, and stumble off a path or three.

Have you ever awaken, and have been upset that you've done so?

No, I don't mean the usual "dammit, I don't want to go to work" or, car alarms woke you up. I mean, as it, dammit, I have to go through another day. Can you actually imagine what that is like? I can. It's just about the worst feeling you can have, or, well, I, at least.

In so many ways, I hate being alive. My life is meaningless... utterly pointless. Very little direction. What direction there is, is just a fog of "ooh, that could be cool if..."

There are many people whom I care about, love being with. Share so many laughs, good times, struggles what have you. But, I've asked myself this many times, more so recently, but, I'm sure I've thought it before.

What am I fighting for? 

I don't fear dying, or death. I understand it, I know it will happen, whether it be natural causes at 90, a bus hits me at 35. Whatever, it is inevitable. But, what's the point of me living? All I really do is take up space. nothing is advancing my life, I have very little idea on what to do to advance it.

but, then the idea creeps in, what if i go to school, get some kind of degree, get that job, but, then feel the same? 

I just don't know. I suppose I'll keep trying, whatever. I'll stop here, because anything else will be too self deprecating.