"Why Oregon?"

Less than two weeks.

In less than two weeks my journey will be underway. Approximately 940 miles, give or take. 15 hours straight through, but, I am not driving straight there, as I'll be taking in some sights I just never had the chance to.

I have been asked, often, "Why Oregon?" or some variation. I give many answers, all true, all part of why. I figured, why not write up an incredibly long, probably not that interesting life story? It'll kill some time, and maybe shed light on things. Maybe not. Let's learn together!

Let's start a bit more recently, then I'll Memento my way around.

A few years ago, I was in bad shape (not physically, that started long before then. hah!) Life was just, bleh. No goals, no direction, nothing much to speak of. In hindsight, I fully admit, it was more a sitting around, killing time, for nothing specific. While I needed some of it, it may have lasted too long.

So, let's go back in time some more.

For quite a while, I was living a life that I, apparently, didn't want. I say apparently, because the revelation came a while after that life ended.

My ex and I were dating, and had for quite a long time. Things were good, at times, and bad at times. Obviously more so towards the end. But, this bad wasn't fighting, infidelities, nothing like that. Just drifting away.

We were growing a part, as people do. There was something she wasn't getting from me, and there was something I wasn't getting from her. It happens, I don't believe there are any hard feelings about it. Although there were for a while, on my side definitely, her side I could only imagine.

It's been a while since the break up. I believe it's been 5 years. For whatever reason, I have a horrible memory for years. I can remember certain dates, just not the actual years. It's odd.

Anyway.

After the break up, there were high highs, and very low lows. I won't bore you with the details, as that was some time ago, and well part of the past.

Anyway, cut forward a couple years. Chugging along at the same job I had for a few years now (well, at that point) one day, at work, during lunch, I was looking for something to watch, and stumbled across "Into the Wild" I forget which part I caught, because over the next week I caught other random parts, until I got a hold of a copy, and watched the whole thing.

That was when my new life began.

Up until then, I can honestly say nothing had ever truly changed my life, in that kind of way. A deep soul searching type of thing.

I came to realize, that some of the message of the movie, and indeed Chris McCandless' life, resonated with me.

I have always told people that I barely care about money. All money does is start fights, and separate people. Now, I'm not all for eliminating money, don't read that wrong. Just, to understand what you want, and what you need for it, without needing the excess, and hurting others to attain it. That's my views on it.

Along with that, while very different upbringings, I have never had a "family feel" in the family. Those who know me, know, those who don't, don't need to. I truly feel the last real piece of true family died when my grandmother started to go. She, along with my grandfather, did more to raise me than anyone else. My father was never around, and my mom always worked. When I wanted to go places, or do anything, it was always too expensive, or no one was around to want to.

The one good out of that, it gave me a partial feeling for not wanting anything big. Hell, if I should you the receipts from this year, up until I left my job, I'd say most of my non-bill cash went to stuff like, a movie, food, stuff like that.

moving on. I came to realize that you have to do what is right for you, what feels right. Even if it's something you only try out for a week, month, a year. Give it that try, if it isn't what you thought, maybe it has opened up another path.

That is, in part, why Oregon.

For the last year plus I had tried to transfer to Washington, Oregon, Idaho even. For whatever reason, my great company pretty much left me on my own. Offering very little, if any actual help. Glad they have all of those people making money to do... whatever it is they actually do.

So, it finally came down a few months back. Much like last year, and my joining M1W at the ripe age of 32, it was now, or never. 

I'm a procrastinator. So, you know.

So I decided, I'll move. Initially, I had Washington in my sights. But, Oregon is right there, nice, but, like me, it's that state you don't always notice, cause it's quiet, and keeps to itself.

I have never truly felt at home in and around Los Angeles. I don't care about the glitz, the glamour. Being a huge movie star, or what a Kardashian is doing.

I am, at heart, a small town boy. How that happens, since I live exactly where I grew up is strange.

I know what I want in my life. Not what I will have, and there is wiggle room, as there are a few scenarios, at the moment, that are perfectly acceptable. I honestly can't see them happening in my current area. 

I won't even mention living at home, cause, well, anyone who reads this probably already knows well enough about this monster.

So, maybe that cleared some things up, maybe it confused people more. Who knows, I just write as I think.

So, in less than two weeks, I'll be on the move. While I am done with LA, for now anyway, I am leaving behind people I will miss dearly. 

The friends from high school (who actually GREW UP since then)

The friends from high school I've just reconnected with, and hate that there won't be more time to catch up.

The friends I've made over the last year from Mach 1, IWL, NWA, everywhere. As a kid who grew up watching wrestling, the fact that I am even a small satellite in orbit of anything related to it, amazes me. The talks I've had, the training, the laughs. Everything. I have learned so much, and hope to come back down and beat the crap out of some of you in the ring. Cause I am the Vanilla Bear, and I bring the vanilla Thunder!

To everyone else who has shared bowling nights, backyard parties, whatever the hell else there was. I will do my best to keep in touch, until I am back full time Internet connected.

That about does it for me, for now.

Under the Scar-lit Night

Now that it has been officially one month since leaving work, I've had time to reflect, look inside, think, dream, plan, all of that, to some extents.

It has been nice being able to keep to my own schedule, whether I have anything to do or not, it's been up to me, for the most part.

But, on the negative side of that coin, it has also left me with a lot of time, most would say too much time, on my hands. We all know my mind is a horrible, horrible beast. 

I still have my Oregonian plans, the hopes, and excitement, to an extent. I say it that way, mostly, because I don't seem to really get "excited" anymore. Or haven't in some time. My feelings tend to betray me, and become twisted into dark things no one needs. But, out of everything I do feel, excitement just doesn't seem to come out to play anymore.

I have never been one to censor myself too much on here. I feel it's counter intuitive to write a journal, diary, blog, whatever you may, and then edit yourself for the sake of "oh no, someone might see it"

I tend to let people know I've written this, whether anyone reads it, or not, is up to them. I honestly don't know anyone who does read these. I think I've had one, or two people mention it before.

But I digress.

I think my main issue in life... with life, it lack of passion. In whatever way you can imagine. I am a passionate person, with no current release for it.

Which tends to lead me to a path of apathy. I want to care, I want to do this, or that, but, why? I tend to call it laziness, and it is, in part, due to the fact that I don't want to always bother to get up, and go do something alone. Which is what about 98% of my activities are. I'm a social creature, with social anxiety, and a general social awkwardness.

It sucks.