Two Paths, Many Forks

I seem to need to find a nice mix of the few things I love in life.

I love the quite, solace, beauty that nature gives us. The same nature that I an not see from home, because man has decimated so much of it.

Then, on the other hand, the life and world of professional wrestling. While I am not one, yet, if ever. I am in the world. I know plenty, and go to many shows to support those who are amazing.

The funny thing is, my life breaks down to these parts;

Work
Home
Nature/Hiking
Wrestling

Work, I feel unwanted, unneeded, just not necessary. I've felt that for a long time, for many, many reasons.

Home, I'm just money, and someone to bitch to. I get no real solace, ever, at home. The only time I look forward to being here is when I'm at work, or, when I need sleep. And even that last part seems like maybe a nap in the car, elsewhere would be nicer.

Hiking/Nature I have not been around it in about 3 months, but will fully immerse myself in it in a couple weeks. I love it, but, since I always adventure alone, it does lack the longevity of passing on stories, and experiences.

Now, we have wrestling. Here's where things get confusing. I have never been in good physical shape, not really athletic. So, to even think I'm training at all sounds ridiculous. But, I did, and I was good. Or so many have said. The people like me, and find me funny, and a good guy.

I go to shows, and I now know a handful of the wrestlers, and they know me. We converse, tell stories, etc. Even extended to Facebook, somewhat, and twitter almost completely.

I feel accepted by those in that world, and almost, dare I say, cared about? Don't mean that to sound sad, not meant that way. Just in a sense that I see people genuinely happy to see me, and want to say hi, and whatever it may be. I get that nowhere else.

So, how do I fix what needs to be? First, I have to find a better job. Something stable, and not as full of childish bullshit as I have now. I know, all jobs tend to suck, in one way or another. But, the amount of unprofessionalism that I/we deal with on a daily basis is uncalled for.

I feel that if I can find that magic job, that pays me at least what I make now, that maybe is a little more fun, or important. Plus the all important having nights available to train, would help wonders.

I need my life to start, as it's stalled in this mud puddle for par too long, and the leaches are killing me.

Personal Aftermath of reading Back to the Wild

So, I finished the book earlier today. To actually see what Chris wrote, his mindset, and insight into the way life is for almost everyone out there, especially Americans, has left me with more angst over my own life than the movie, or book before this!

Ever since my, let's call it, reawakening I've felt more and more disassociated with what life is "supposed" to be.

As we all grow up we want to be something, even if it changes weekly. Fireman, policeman, astronaut, or something more feasible. Business owner, teacher, even truck drivers, what have you.

My problem is, I never really had anything passed the not-so-realistic (for me) dreams.

Growing up, it was a baseball player. Eventually, a professional wrestler (which, as of this year I actually got involved with, to a limited extent, not in the ring) astronomer. Now, as far as the sporting ones, I'm not very athletic, and don't really care to be, especially now, in my early 30's. It's not my mentality.

I didn't really go to college, for that same reason. I found out astronomy had more to do with calculations, and things that were far from what I dreamt of. I wasn't about to waste what little money I ever have on something I did not care about. Through all my researching, seeing what was available, nothing ever even gave me a hint of "yeah, that's what I want to do til I retire!" not even for the next 5-10 years!

So, I've had mostly crap retail jobs for the better part of the millennia. My current job, at which I am employed full time and have been for 3+ years, I have been with a couple months shy of 6 years now. My longest job by far.

The problem is, with what I make, being full time, I barely live, if you call my life living. I live in Southern California, a place where it's quite pricey to even rent a run down hell hole. So much so, I still live in my grandparents house. Although they have both passed, I live with my eldest brother (who, in his 40's, has never left home) and my mom (who, in her 60's lived with her parents most of her life)

My only real bills are rent ($200 a month) my mobile phone ($55ish) my car (the big one at $316 + $65-$70 for insurance) plus i have two credit card, which don't put me back too much. But, even with that, plus gas and food, I rarely have any money for life. Can't go to amusement parks, have to watch my gas usage more often than I'd like.

As it stands with my job, I work 5 days a week, as most people do. Never having one, solitary weekend off unless I've requested it, which means I already have plans made out. So, it's rare that I can just set off for a weekend / 2 day adventure anywhere. My days off are very, very rarely ever back to back (only happened once this year) So, in my mind, except for a week vacation here and there, and a leave of absence I took (directly related to my discovery of the story, plus some personal issues I was already dealing with) I've worked, with no real set breaks for the entirety of my current run.

I currently have no path. No real goals, other than to be happy. With no idea how to get that, or what it truly means to me (I have an idea or two of things/circumstances that would improve my life greatly) I am trapped, not in the wild, but in the every day prisons so many of us are in. Only, I am one who sees it for that. My job is really pointless, not helping anyone, or anything. Just another global distributor of goods we may like, but rarely need. No one I know gets this, just thinking I'm always a "downer" or "depressed"

I know one thing I need to do, is leave here. There is nothing for me, and I hate the Summers here. Winters are only better cause the cooler temps. I just don't know if a journey like Chris' is just another one of those dreams I'd never do, because it's not really for me, and may be harder than I want. Or, if what I'm looking for is somewhere in between.

I don't necessarily dream of living any kind of tramp lifestyle. Possibly something a little more stable, cause I'm not very well versed in surviving without a supermarket or a fast food place around. lol. But I do love the tranquility that nature gives, even in this concrete jungle, we do have a good handful of those to seek out, until someone thoughtlessly burns them down.

What I see through Chris' story, that is almost a dream of mine. Is the love. The affection so many had for him. I think my dream would be to wander a bit, until I found a new home. I have a small town heart, that just doesn't get this big city appeal anymore. My grandparents were born and raised in Minnesota until they moved out here. I think they instill that in me, since they were more involved in my raising and morality.

I don't distrust all people. I love being around great company. For the last 3 years, give or take, most everything I've done has been solo. I've gone to Yosemite, alone. Sequoia by myself. Even just day hikes are always alone. But you know what? Anyone I've had a brief encounter with on a trail, near a waterfall, have never once been rude to me. Mean, or just a dick in anyway. I love that! Other than tired, no one ever seemed upset, mad at their boss, worried about money.

So, after reading the book, it has almost spiked the exact same angst that I felt after watching the movie, and the weeks following.

In closing. I just wish I had someone in my life who felt the same way, and I could just call up and say "Let's do this, let's go, let's live life" and then the plan starts in motion.