Motivation and Determination

Two things that seem to really lack in my life.

Sometimes I feel like one of those really good non-stick pans, and things like these are just the eggs sliding around.

There are things I'd like to have in life, as a life, for a life. But, I don't seem to really care enough to stick to anything.

Currently jobless, I started to think. You know, at least I could walk around some, try to steady what I eat, etc. Things that could lead to better health, whatever else may come. The thing is, it seems like part of me doesn't want that.

For many years, here or there, I would joke about slowly killing myself with what, and how I eat. Maybe I was never really kidding. There are so few things that bring real, palpable joy in my life, than certain foods. Not things I'll eat everyday, nor every week. Well, in some cases, not every week.

So, like a few other things in life, my eating habits are a bad habit that I can't seem to really break. 

It is a vicious cycle at times. I'm always tired, and lethargic because of what I eat. But, what I eat brings me that little glimmer of joy.

Now, if I ate differently, maybe I'd find better foods that do the same, or better. But, what if I don't? What if I sacrifice the one true joy I have, for better health, possibly a longer life. A life that I'd have no joy in?

This is a partial thought process... and once again, I felt like talking, and here I am, talking to nothingness.

Back in Black

I have no idea what to say.

Yeah, I know, why would I be on here if that were actually true.

It's true in the sense that I know I need to talk, to vent, to find some sort of release for how I've been feeling. God I wish I had one. Something that truly cleanses me. Something I can go to once in a while, when I need it.

Some people have working out. Sports, drinking, whatever it may be. I don't seem to have anything like that.. not that seems to really do justice. So, I come here. A place that, let's be honest, no one really reads. Maybe one or two people. I've yet to understand what the stats on these pages really mean in the end.

Anyway, enough preamble.

Life sucks. New, I know, but it does. There is so much stress. Between needing to find a job asa-yesterday, to doing what I can dealing with my mom's illness, and what fallout comes from that. This is a lonely world I live in.

Who do I have to go to, really, to unload, seek guidance, anything? I don't.

Don't get me wrong, I have some great friends. In a lot of cases, though, we're not friends who talk on those kinds of levels. Whether it's because we only see each other once a month, twice a month, once every few months, etc. I've always been the kind to say fuck it, to real deep shit, because I'm trying to enjoy my time with others.

So, between all of that, some personal stuff I wish to not get into on here, and this weekend.... it's been pretty rough.

As for this weekend, by that I really just mean Sunday...

Father's day.

Now, I posted this on facebook, but, to add it here. I've never really cared about father's day, since, well, I never had one. It's always been whatever it is, just as day. Sometimes it bummed me out, sometimes it didn't.

But, this is the first one since knowing of my father's passing. I never assumed I'd meet him, know him, or anything. In fact, other than not having one, I've already been scarred by the not having one around, so, what other damage could really happen?

Well, I've just had these mixed feelings, which come at a time where I've been very, very depressed for a while now. Now it's a bit more real, that I'll never see him. I'll never meet him, get any kind of closure in that area.

UI suppose deep down I had wanted that, just something to close an open chapter in my life. This is why I'm mixed about it, because I don't fully get it.

Beyond that, I still lead a very sad, passionless existence. I'm being real here. I want it to be better, I still have a sliver of hope that it will. I'm trying. I've even tried to start up one of those 1 year, 2 year, 5 year plan things. Not so much a bucket list, just something with maybe some structure to it, some sort of game plan. But, even with that, if I can't get a job soon, that sets me back even further, and kicks me, not only when I'm down, but actually shoves me in a mud puddle to boot.