I Can't See a Thing in the Video

Turning Mistakes into Gold

2011-10-25T01:06:00.000-07:00

So.. it's been a while since my last entry. Nothing huge to really say, nothing more than usual.

I've noticed that, while there are more, and newer people in my life. Some good, some great, some inspiring. I still have an emptiness eating away at my from inside. I can't explain it. It's not unique to me, I know this, but, as I am me, and deal with the day to day running of my life, it will always be the most important thing.

Work is a little more fun, if not annoying in other ways at the same time.

I'm musical instruments now, finally breaking the shackles of being practically day labor, in their eyes.

I've had a couple of encounters, we could call dates, for lack of better terminology.

One was a fun night. Hung out, talked, went to the movies. I will fully admit, that girl isn't necessarily my speed, which is fine. Could be someone cool to hang out with no and again. Cute, but, lacking a certain something I definitely need.

Second up was a fun, awe inspiring group outing. She's shy, more so than me, which is rare for me to run into. Might be hanging out again this week, still awaiting word on that. Don't fully know how I feel, since I've been so isolated from having to deal with emotions towards another person, I'm not sure what is what.

Still looking, of course, the all seeing eye. It's messed up how I actually know someone who embodies a lot of what I look for, physically, personality, intelligence, and funkiness, but, as nature would have it, someone who basically says she could never be interested in me. I do get that a lot, sometimes it's in silent protest, some times it's loud and clear, no pulled punches.

I know I'm no centerfold, but, I'd just like to be able to have a cute/hot chick be into me, for once, even if for the wrong reasons (although, since I have little cash, and nothing of flash, I don't see what "wrong" anyone could be into)

Enough for now. Time for a movie, sleep, then work tomorrow.

As The World Opens Her Eyes

2011-08-28T19:46:00.000-07:00

So today (Thursday) I decided to go camping. Since the doctor's visit put the nix on doing the whole week, I eventually decided that I should for one day.

So, I drove up to Crystal Lake, since it would be free camping for me. I was planning on staying one night, since I had plans on Friday.

So, I get there, find a campsite. Park, set up the tent and everything. It was still pretty early, so I decided to hike to the lake. But, on the way I actually ran across a trail on the opposite side, so I hiked that. Came back around and hit the trail that goes towards the lake.

Anywho, it was all fine and (tiring) well. Then, nothing. I think I finally figured it out, something I think I knew, but, now can't deny.

I love hiking, and adore the outdoors. But, I absolutely hate being there alone.

I can't really keep myself amused for long, in most situation. I know my stories, and, I have tons of time alone as it is, so, it's not like I'm any more creative or anything out there.

It's nice, and quiet, very calming. That's all nice and well, but, with no one there, what's the point?

The coolest part, though, was after I decided I was going to leave early, and not stay overnight. I decided I'd wait til it got dark, because I love seeing te field of stars, not blocked by out pollution. So, as fast as the Sun sets, it wasn't setting fast enough. So, I decided to walk down the road a bit, which reminded me of a horror movie at times.

Imagine, walking down a street at dusk, no street lights, no light at all, really. No cars, nothing but the sounds of the creatures stirring in the woods.

It was kinda awesome. But, it was time to leave. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

All in all, a learning experience.

Then we go onto the weekend. Friday was great. Got to hang out with a bunch of the guys, friends of old and new. Had a couple of conversations that helped me, made me feel good, bad, and everything in between.

Saturday had nothing for me. Just watched some TV, movies, sat around the house. As well as Sunday. Which is fine, cause it's been a bit too hot for my own liking.

So, things are, hopefully, in motion for my near future. That'll give me something to update here, and, hopefully give me some great stories to tell.

Well, that's it for now, as always until next time, have a good one!

Any Fool Can Make a Rule, and Any Fool Will Mind it.

2011-08-22T23:13:00.000-07:00

So.. not even 24 hours after making my last post, life decided to tell me no.

I had been having an issue with my foot for about a month, or so. Nothing so bad I couldn't walk, or do a lot of things. But, in the last week it had gotten worse, and now even wearing a shoe could be annoyingly painful.

So, I had two choices. 1. Continue my planned trip, with a really sore foot. Which would have been a massive downer.

Or 2. go to the doctor.

So, I decided on the latter, and went to the doctor. So, with high hopes, I was wishing it would be something simple. Something fixable in a day or two, if not immediately.

That's what I get for wishing.

So, it's a small viral infection that has to be taken care of, daily. I have two medications to use to kill it. One for the morning, and one for the evening.

Now, I still could try the trip, but maybe take my car instead. This way I could carry more. But, my main issue would be cleaning the area daily to apply said medication.

I might still go camping, in a lesser form, as I have found a place that would only be $5 a night. But that wasn't the main point of the trip. So, I am currently undecided as to what I will do. All I know is it's a massive let down. Truly devastated. But, in the same vein, possibly it's the universe telling me to stop, or wait.

It's funny, because at any point over the last month I could have had it looked at, but, in my house, growing up, you never went to the doctor. Everything eventually went away. It's really hard to break that mentality. And now, looking back, not only did it bite me in the ass, it kicked me where it hurts.

On a side note, that will come off cold, or mean perhaps, one of our dogs died today. She had been suffering for a while. We've had her since she was a pup, but I never grew any attachment to her. Sad, yes, but, merely another side note in my many days here.

Well, that's all for now. Not used to posting on consecutive days, I promise it won't become a habit.

The Core of Mans' Spirit Comes from New Experiences

2011-08-21T16:34:00.000-07:00

Posting this earlier than I had planned.. so my initial opening line won't work. It was a good one though.

So, I am now in the middle of my vacation. There have been very fun, great, inspirational, and eye opening times so far. Along with a lot of down town too.

So, at some point within the next 24 hours, I will be walking into the wild. I plan on spending the majority of my last week off living out of a back pack. Still, even at this late moment, I couldn't even say where I'm going to, even if I wanted to.

But, even if I did, I wouldn't, as it defeats one of the purposes.

Now, one thing I learned from my failed Yosemite, and Sequoia trips (other than not having a real snow shovel with me in the winter) is one simple word.

Options.

I'm eliminating one big thing from my trip.

My car.

I am riding the bus to as close as I can get, and then walking in. If I can catch a ride, I will, but, I will not have an easy ride out. So, if it gets slightly annoying, or tough, I can't just give up as easily. It would be a long walk out.

I am not taking much, just what I feel I need, which I know will be far less than I should have. But, that's one of the points.

To paraphrase a quote I love; "I know how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong but to feel strong. To measure yourself at least once. To find yourself at least once in the most ancient of human conditions. Facing the blind death stone alone, with nothing to help you but your hands and your own head."

I am as mentally prepared as I can be, without having faced what I will, before. I am as physically prepared as I could get myself, considering my lack of discipline.

It will be hard, it will suck, but, the quiet, and simple beauty are something I need to experience, for a few reasons, none of which I will go into on here.. not now at least.

I am planning on taking one of my old journals with me, so I can note whatever I might need to, sketch, kill a little time. Whatever I may need it for.

Yes, I do know there is a small "stupidity" factor in there, as I have very little survival knowledge, or training. But, there in lies the freedom of what I am doing.

To be free. Not many know what that is, and even what I am set to do is barely touching that, as I will still be constrained by a deadline to return to work.. so I can make that ever so needed money, for those ever so needed bills, brought about by said job in the first place.

I have not yet packed away everything, and while I will have my phone with me, it will be off, and will most probably die at some point midweek, knowing the great technology we have.

There is a small chance, as with everything in life, of accidents, unforeseen circumstances that may leave me in not a great state. I honestly feel that injury is at about a 5% chance, knowing myself, and my limitations, and abilities. But, I am 100% aware that there are things I haven't planned for.. things I couldn't think of having happened. So, if that 5% happens, I am prepared for it, mentally, if a mentality could apply there.

For now, I shall leave this place with one more quote.

"It should not be denied that being footloose has always exhilarated us. It is associated in our minds with escape from history and oppression and law and irksome obligations. Absolute freedom. And the road has always led west. "

It's Not Suicidal Dreams, it's the Realization of Nothing

2011-08-15T00:21:00.000-07:00

Touchy wording, yes, but, something that's been on my mind all week, and, oddly enough, it was even part of a story on the show Louie. Synchronicity I suppose.

See, I pride myself on being pretty real. No one likes it, most days, but in a sense they respect that that's me.

So, here's my mindset lately.

I have surpassed the feeling of "I don't know what I'm doing/to do with my life" to, "I don't know if I really care now"

Let me expand.

For the longest time, I've had no dreams. Nothing non-generic. Sure, I'd love to have a family, live in a nice house, and lead a decent life.

But, what does that mean? What is life?

I feel I know a good deal about me, what I want, what I don't. But, it's that what I want that troubles me.

I don't feel like I want anything really.

I have no real desire to be rich, of make a 6 figure salary. Unless it was with something I love.

But, here's wall number 2. What do I love? As far as something that could be turned for a profit.

I do love my new wrestling stories, the people I have met are all awesome, and fun. But, even so, I have a feeling that I would like to go back to training. But, I know that there isn't a ton of money in wrestling, so, even if I got to the point of working shows, I'd still need a "regular" job. It's that regular job part that irks me.

Apparently, according to Best Buy policy for part time workers (since they fail to communicate what is "required" for full time employees to me) part time people need to be completely open Friday-Sunday. Then, open at least 2 morning, and 2 evening shifts during the week.

Mind you, this is for part time, who are only really supposed to be scheduled 20-26 hours a week anyway.

So, let's say you're going to school. Well, looks like you have to have one set of classes at night, and one in the morning. But, with that, you'd probably still be screwed, because they want you to work when they say, and then maybe, just maybe they'll allow you to better yourself.

See, with that being part time "expectations" I could only imagine the full time ones.

So, instead of trying to get a store to work well with what they have, they just restrict you from trying to do anything else, unless they say it's OK.

Doesn't sound so great to me!

So, I've already gone on about my hatred for retail, and just societal work in general. Enough on that, until they shove the dick further up our collective asses.

So, back on topic. What does one do when one doesn't really feel passionate about something?

Let's look at my personal life. In the last 2 years, the only person I have gone on a date with, is my ex. Stupid move in the end, but it seemed right at the time. Also, I think it had to be done. There was a fucked up sense of closure for me.

Since then, not one. Not for lack of trying through personal sites, and even a couple attempts at going out with a girl at work. Those failed, obviously.

I used to live my life from moment to moment. The anticipation of an upcoming show. Vacation time, birthday, holidays, etc. But, I almost don't even care about that anymore either.

Holidays are meaningless to me. All it is is people coming over here, being annoying, even when I'm far away. I don't miss my family, because I have never been away from them, nor do I care about the complaints they have.

Plus, it's not like Thanksgiving of Xmas can mean much, with the way they work us to the bone at work. Oh, we get a half day off for Thanksgiving, because we have to be up at the ass crack of this evening to set up for the clusterfuck that is Black Friday? Super!

Then Christmas falls under my above complaint.

So, at the end of the day, it's not that I have any desire to die, I just really can't find a real reason to live. If that makes sense.

Two Paths, Many Forks

2011-07-19T00:34:00.000-07:00

I seem to need to find a nice mix of the few things I love in life.

I love the quite, solace, beauty that nature gives us. The same nature that I an not see from home, because man has decimated so much of it.

Then, on the other hand, the life and world of professional wrestling. While I am not one, yet, if ever. I am in the world. I know plenty, and go to many shows to support those who are amazing.

The funny thing is, my life breaks down to these parts;

Work
Home
Nature/Hiking
Wrestling

Work, I feel unwanted, unneeded, just not necessary. I've felt that for a long time, for many, many reasons.

Home, I'm just money, and someone to bitch to. I get no real solace, ever, at home. The only time I look forward to being here is when I'm at work, or, when I need sleep. And even that last part seems like maybe a nap in the car, elsewhere would be nicer.

Hiking/Nature I have not been around it in about 3 months, but will fully immerse myself in it in a couple weeks. I love it, but, since I always adventure alone, it does lack the longevity of passing on stories, and experiences.

Now, we have wrestling. Here's where things get confusing. I have never been in good physical shape, not really athletic. So, to even think I'm training at all sounds ridiculous. But, I did, and I was good. Or so many have said. The people like me, and find me funny, and a good guy.

I go to shows, and I now know a handful of the wrestlers, and they know me. We converse, tell stories, etc. Even extended to Facebook, somewhat, and twitter almost completely.

I feel accepted by those in that world, and almost, dare I say, cared about? Don't mean that to sound sad, not meant that way. Just in a sense that I see people genuinely happy to see me, and want to say hi, and whatever it may be. I get that nowhere else.

So, how do I fix what needs to be? First, I have to find a better job. Something stable, and not as full of childish bullshit as I have now. I know, all jobs tend to suck, in one way or another. But, the amount of unprofessionalism that I/we deal with on a daily basis is uncalled for.

I feel that if I can find that magic job, that pays me at least what I make now, that maybe is a little more fun, or important. Plus the all important having nights available to train, would help wonders.

I need my life to start, as it's stalled in this mud puddle for par too long, and the leaches are killing me.

Personal Aftermath of reading Back to the Wild

2011-07-11T13:33:00.000-07:00

So, I finished the book earlier today. To actually see what Chris wrote, his mindset, and insight into the way life is for almost everyone out there, especially Americans, has left me with more angst over my own life than the movie, or book before this!

Ever since my, let's call it, reawakening I've felt more and more disassociated with what life is "supposed" to be.

As we all grow up we want to be something, even if it changes weekly. Fireman, policeman, astronaut, or something more feasible. Business owner, teacher, even truck drivers, what have you.

My problem is, I never really had anything passed the not-so-realistic (for me) dreams.

Growing up, it was a baseball player. Eventually, a professional wrestler (which, as of this year I actually got involved with, to a limited extent, not in the ring) astronomer. Now, as far as the sporting ones, I'm not very athletic, and don't really care to be, especially now, in my early 30's. It's not my mentality.

I didn't really go to college, for that same reason. I found out astronomy had more to do with calculations, and things that were far from what I dreamt of. I wasn't about to waste what little money I ever have on something I did not care about. Through all my researching, seeing what was available, nothing ever even gave me a hint of "yeah, that's what I want to do til I retire!" not even for the next 5-10 years!

So, I've had mostly crap retail jobs for the better part of the millennia. My current job, at which I am employed full time and have been for 3+ years, I have been with a couple months shy of 6 years now. My longest job by far.

The problem is, with what I make, being full time, I barely live, if you call my life living. I live in Southern California, a place where it's quite pricey to even rent a run down hell hole. So much so, I still live in my grandparents house. Although they have both passed, I live with my eldest brother (who, in his 40's, has never left home) and my mom (who, in her 60's lived with her parents most of her life)

My only real bills are rent ($200 a month) my mobile phone ($55ish) my car (the big one at $316 + $65-$70 for insurance) plus i have two credit card, which don't put me back too much. But, even with that, plus gas and food, I rarely have any money for life. Can't go to amusement parks, have to watch my gas usage more often than I'd like.

As it stands with my job, I work 5 days a week, as most people do. Never having one, solitary weekend off unless I've requested it, which means I already have plans made out. So, it's rare that I can just set off for a weekend / 2 day adventure anywhere. My days off are very, very rarely ever back to back (only happened once this year) So, in my mind, except for a week vacation here and there, and a leave of absence I took (directly related to my discovery of the story, plus some personal issues I was already dealing with) I've worked, with no real set breaks for the entirety of my current run.

I currently have no path. No real goals, other than to be happy. With no idea how to get that, or what it truly means to me (I have an idea or two of things/circumstances that would improve my life greatly) I am trapped, not in the wild, but in the every day prisons so many of us are in. Only, I am one who sees it for that. My job is really pointless, not helping anyone, or anything. Just another global distributor of goods we may like, but rarely need. No one I know gets this, just thinking I'm always a "downer" or "depressed"

I know one thing I need to do, is leave here. There is nothing for me, and I hate the Summers here. Winters are only better cause the cooler temps. I just don't know if a journey like Chris' is just another one of those dreams I'd never do, because it's not really for me, and may be harder than I want. Or, if what I'm looking for is somewhere in between.

I don't necessarily dream of living any kind of tramp lifestyle. Possibly something a little more stable, cause I'm not very well versed in surviving without a supermarket or a fast food place around. lol. But I do love the tranquility that nature gives, even in this concrete jungle, we do have a good handful of those to seek out, until someone thoughtlessly burns them down.

What I see through Chris' story, that is almost a dream of mine. Is the love. The affection so many had for him. I think my dream would be to wander a bit, until I found a new home. I have a small town heart, that just doesn't get this big city appeal anymore. My grandparents were born and raised in Minnesota until they moved out here. I think they instill that in me, since they were more involved in my raising and morality.

I don't distrust all people. I love being around great company. For the last 3 years, give or take, most everything I've done has been solo. I've gone to Yosemite, alone. Sequoia by myself. Even just day hikes are always alone. But you know what? Anyone I've had a brief encounter with on a trail, near a waterfall, have never once been rude to me. Mean, or just a dick in anyway. I love that! Other than tired, no one ever seemed upset, mad at their boss, worried about money.

So, after reading the book, it has almost spiked the exact same angst that I felt after watching the movie, and the weeks following.

In closing. I just wish I had someone in my life who felt the same way, and I could just call up and say "Let's do this, let's go, let's live life" and then the plan starts in motion.

Life in the Now

2011-05-24T20:38:00.000-07:00

So now that I am 3 weeks/4 classes into training, many things hit me, many times.

!. My body isn't in great shape, athletic wise. But, this I knew, hell, anyone who knows me knew that. I know it's holding me back some, which I am working on.

2. As much as I love it, and can't wait to make it on a show, I know the future ain't gonna be kind. If I keep it up, and go continually, by this time next year I imagine I can be on shows, and doing decently. Now, the making money part. Between working lame retail hours, and then trying to make enough of a name to get paid, in an arena that isn't known for paying overly generously. It can be somewhat demoralizing at times.

There are still many times, whether at training, on the way to/from, or just in general, I wish I would have moved instead. But, I know if I did that first, I'd always wonder "what if?" But, moreso on top of that, I wish I would have prepared myself for my great life adventure. Traveling the world.. just living day to day. That is still a possibility for the future, depending on how things go.. if I can get something resembling a real life started.

Who knows what the future holds. For now, I am doing what I can to make a go at this. I love it. I love watching it. The people in my class are amazing human beings, which I have a lack of in my day to day grind of life. Whether I make it or not, I am giving everything I physically can, even though I know in my heart it's not as much as it needs to be.

Choices

2011-03-11T01:12:00.000-08:00

Two days left. Two days left for the Washington job opening. It closes Saturday.

Thoughts have flooded my head. On one side, the many of the what happens if I get the spot?

And, of course the other side, what if I don't?

Obviously, the odds are I won't, but, that doesn't mean I can't get it.

So, what happens if I do get it? I move on, and start my new life.

If I don't get it? Then I am still here, and figure my next move. Wait for another Washington/Idaho/Oregon store? I'd keep my eyes out. Maybe look further, into other states? Perhaps. Maybe look into that school, and that possible opportunity out here? Probably unlikely in the end, but, looking into it won't hurt.

Who knows how this will play out... well, I suppose if I read this back a few months from now, I will.

Hi future me! Did you get that thing I sent you?

Strange Days

2011-03-05T13:07:00.000-08:00

It's become a strange trend in my life. Just as soon s I'm completely sure of something, I get thrown a curveball.

After a very long time of not having anything to do, anyone to hang out with, in the last week, 3 of my 4 days off have been spent out with at least one friend. Which culminated in last nights show, and hang out afterwords until 4am.

It's the simplest of things, but, has always been the hardest to capture for myself.

Back to Life, What a Reality

2011-03-03T00:52:00.000-08:00

The one positive about standing in a store, staring at a vast curtain is that it gives you plenty of time to think.

Which I'm not wanton for, but I accrue in bulk.

So I am now in month 2 of trying to move onto my new life.. and all of a sudden I have things to do out here, and some things back in my life that I'd miss when I leave.

Ain't life a bitch?

So, now I have so many ideas, many of them are not a viable option, or, viable yet at least.

So, I gather more knowledge, and wait, hoping choice #1 will actually come through, for once, and I can be on my way.

But, what if the wait + these feelings is yet another sign, telling me that I'm not making the right choice? That perhaps my "last choice" is my best choice, and what I should do?

A Nod to You

2011-02-25T00:55:00.000-08:00

After a long day at work, the usual routine was had. Groceries bought, and consumed.

Well, some anyway.

So, one last craving for the night. This called for a midnight trip to 7-11. A true bastion of the "I can't get to sleep" lifestyle.

As I walked home, I couldn't help but turn my head northward. A silent nod of Godspeed. Looking to the sky, wondering. What is it like to not know what tomorrow truly means? I know what I plan on tomorrow, albeit fun, it's another day. Full of food, fun, and action. But, for it to mean life or death, wide open possibilities.

One has to ponder.

Materialistic Sentimentality

2011-02-24T11:12:00.000-08:00

For a month, or two now, I have been slowly getting rid of stuff. Things. Junk stored away. It feels good.

Of course it is in preparation of moving onto a new home town, a new store, and a brand new chapter in my life. Whether it happens that way, or a secondary way, it still feels good.

While it can be hard to part with some items, due to the sentimentality of the human condition, it's still very liberating.

As of this date, the majority of items I have parted with are clothing, and CD's/DVD's. Today was another batch of clothes. It's funny how you look at a shirt, and instantly you recall when you got it, who gave it to you, or some event wrapped around the item itself.

There in-lies the difficulty. I ran into that today, again. But, I looked at the shirt, and told myself, "You know you aren't going to wear it ever again." Which is most likely true, but, could be false as well.

Most of the clothing I've parted with has been too small for me to wear right now. So, in hopes that I will lose enough weight o wear it, I have held onto it. Funny.

I do imagine, one way or another, I will drop sizes. But, when that happens, I can very easily go buy 2 more shirts in that size, can I not? If they are needed that is.

It has been an odd feeling, a good one though, getting rid of stuff that clutters my closet, drawers, under my bed. It really does give me a sense of leaving an old persona behind, shedding a layer of skin.

I must do this more.

Life is a Funny Thing

2011-02-22T16:08:00.000-08:00

It's funny, to look back on what I've written. To think back over 2010 and the realization of what the core issue was. The main problem that was pulling, straining, and blinding my sight.

It's funny how one person, one story, one though on one, non descript day leads to insight, and the opening of your mind.

What I once thought was a problem of loss, while the loss was great, lead to the revelation that what I once was, was a facade I put on to try to please what I thought mattered most, and was how one should be.

Ever since then, it's funny how I now know of someone who is quite like-minded. Only he has taken the step that I know I am not yet prepared for, mentally of practically.

Currently, I am trying the road of least resistance, to see if that solves the problem.

To be continued.

2010-03-30T22:59:00.001-07:00

I'm not sure what to do anymore. I try, and try, and try... but, if people who know me don't seem to give a shit.. why should I?

I am at the point where I wish they could feel the pain, maybe then they would understand. But, if they don't care to help, why would they care about the rest?

You can't be a friend if you're never around when someone needs you.

Go, drink you booze, smoke your cigarettes, fuck all of you. I'm out.

The Great White North?

2010-01-10T15:15:00.000-08:00

So.. holiday '09 is over.. and good riddance. Now, I look to the future. I still have to work it out with the biggest hurdle in my plan, but, as most know, I am going to try and make a pilgrimage to Alaska.. hopefully before summer.

I plan on making the drive, no flight, etc. According to Google Maps, it's going to be a 3 day trip, easily. I plan on making a stop or two here and there. Not sure if I'm going to do those along the way up, or home. Home would probably sound best.. just in case.

Spirit Journey Formation Anniversary

2009-12-10T21:53:00.000-08:00

So.. today unceremoniously marked the beginning of year 32. What a year to forget, topped off by not much of anyone giving half a damn.

Now, going with the fact that I do nothing in life what involves friends, maybe I was naive in thinking that today would have been different than the last two months, or the next two.

But, you figure, a birthday is the one day you should get some attention, right?

I got one phone call from someone who said happy birthday, who had already texted me that as well. Two texts from family members, one of whom also showed up and said the same. Then two other people texted me the note.

Notice, only one showed up, and it wasn't actually to do anything with me, which is fine. But, yeah, Not one thing happened today, other than me sleeping, and going to 7-11.. a.k.a most any day of the year.

I seem to be the kind of guy who no one goes out of the way for. If I'm down.. ignore me. If I'm bored, make sure you constantly have other stuff to do, or, just don't answer a text.

Two years ago, I had a pretty kick ass time at a birthday party, that I threw for myself, because after years of hinting, you know, by straight saying I wanted a party. No one ever even bothered.

Last year I had another, which was bad. Just bad. I actually wished the next day I hadn't had it.

So, I decided to do nothing this year. But, as the day grew closer, I wanted to have people over/out. So, I decided, a dinner. So, the only people who showed up, were my family, whom I usually see everyday. Then one of my friends was there as well. Sure, a couple couldn't make it cause of work, that's fine. But, why can't people just say they won't make it? It courtesy really that hard, or, am I just the most amazing person in the world? I always tell people upfront, if I can't or possibly can't make it to something, I say that. Most times I'll say why too. Even if I say I'll go, then can't, I let them know.

But, not one. I sat there feeling like a big old pile of shit after about 20 minutes. Now, I don't take who came for granted but. Those are people I rarely ever go one week without seeing (as all but 3 live ion the same house, you see)

So, today. My actual birthday. I went over that list.

So, tomorrow is the party.

Mind you, it's a party at my house, but, wasn't for me. I was "allowed to add myself" to a party for my niece's friend (which is at my house, where neither of them live by the by)

So, I know of 2 people who say they're coming. There is also 2 more that made it seem like they are. 4. 31 years, and my life amounts to 4? Also, one of those 4 was coming over for the party whether it involved me or not anyway.

So, I'm planning on nothing next year. I'm tired of thinking there is something where nothing lies. Maybe if I make some decent friends at school, perhaps something with them. But, I'm just feeling too old to deal with this fucking disappointment everyday, and, on my birthday of all days as well.

The Untitled

2009-11-08T15:19:00.000-08:00

I don't even know anymore. I always assumed really good friends would be there for you, trough thick, thin, the good and the bad. But, honestly, I can't help but look around at the lack of caring. Sure, you don't necessarily want to hang out with someone who's sad, or angry. But, guess what? Sometimes they need that release to help them out.

I've always..ALWAYS done everything I could do for my friends in need. Now, for the last few weeks, I can't help but see no one has even asked how I am doing. Was there anything going on. Or, the ever non-present "do you want to go do ____" The only person who's even shown concern, or, at least shown SOMETHING is the one person I've only been around twice, and really don't know. I would hope it's just the general anger in me right now thinking that my "friends" have all but completely abandoned me. But, you know, it's hard to not think that.

I'm just sick and tired of it. People just use me until they find their next shiny penny it seems. Maybe I'm a sucker for growing some attachment, for caring. My bad. I have learned a lot from people over the course of this year. And, at the end of the day, it has shown me just how absolutely horrible, self-centered, and pieces of shit people can be. Let's not worry about anything that has to do with Donald.. he'll still be there at some point.

Yeah, well, maybe I won't be anymore.

Friends... Romans... Country Bears?

2009-10-01T19:59:00.000-07:00

I've been going through things lately.. a lot.. very bad ones. But, one thing I think I have learned recently.. is that for all of my friends.. I've been a horrible friend. I've been doing it all wrong this whole time, and no one ever told me! I mean, always being there when they needed, trying to cheer them up, making them laugh. Apparently that's not what I'm supposed to do. It'll be hard to retrain myself to do this correctly, but, I want to be just as good a friend to all of them as they are to me, so, I will be ever vigilant.

Thoughts....

2009-09-12T17:16:00.000-07:00

Well, surprise surprise, another not so uppy post. If you're still reading by now, you just understand that I have a dark view of life.. especially my own.

So, I've been thinking lately, about life as usual, but, about love. I know this sounds stupid, but, sometimes you just have to air things out.

So, for a while now, if there was someone I was interested in, or, shit, if I saw a cute girl, my mind would eventually wander, as all men do, to romantic thoughts. At the very least, maybe imagine making out, whatever.

But, I'm at a point where I can't imagine that, and imagine the other party being all that into it. Just in general I do have a bad view of myself. While I know I am a great guy, etc... you still have to get passed the physical. Now, I'm no monster, but, I sure as hell wasn't gifted in any area. No full head of hair. No symmetrical face/looks, overweight. Etc. You know. So, it's almost like I couldn't imagine bothering someone who I've got eyes for.

But, on the flip side. In the last three years, as far as this area of life goes, I've been kicked in the gut so many times, I'm at a point where I'm not sure I can really open up to someone. Yes, I know you have to take that risk, no risk, no reward. but, I've just failed so miserably so many times lately... I just know how I can do it again.

Wake Up

2009-09-03T20:08:00.000-07:00

I'm going to ride this plane out of your life again.
I wish that I could stay but you argue.
More than this I wish you could've seen my face
In backseat staring out the window.

I'll do anything for you,
Kill anyone for you.

So leave yourself intact
'Cause I will be coming back.
In a phrase to cut these lips, I love you.

The morning will come
In the press of every kiss with your head upon my chest
Where I will annoy you
With every waking breath
Until you decide to wake up.

I've earned through hope and faith
The curves around your face
That I'm the one you'll hold forever.
If morning never comes for either one of us,
Then this I pray to you wherever.

I'll do anything for you.
This story is for you.
'Cause I'd do anything you want me to... for you.
I'll do anything for you,
Kill anyone for you.

So leave yourself intact
'Cause I won't be coming back.
In a phrase to cut these lips, I loved you.

The morning will come
In the press of every kiss
With your head upon my chest where I will annoy you
With every waking breath
Until you decide to wake up.

The Burden of Being Great

2009-08-29T17:51:00.000-07:00

I remember a time where, even if I had no real idea of what I wanted to grow up to be, to do, to go, it never mattered. I'm not so sure if it does, really, yet, but, it seems to be weighing on me a lot.

Maybe it's because my life, for lack of wanting to explain every nook and cranny of it, it's stalled... going nowhere.

Now, technically, at work I've recently been given charge of my team, to an extent, as the two above me focus on other tasks that they are charged with. Now, of course it comes with nothing other than following up, and making sure others finish tasks (which when only two of you are there for a full shift, means I'll end up doing it all anyway) But, here's the thing. I'm at a point where I'm highly doubting this will be a long term venture.. this job, not the added responsibility. I don't consider it a career... I have no real intention, at this time, to ever want to be a manager, and not even so much as a supervisor anymore. Once upon a time, yes, but, politics taught me the error of my thinking.

So, there's the professional / business side. Now.. the rest.

So, basically, ain't no chick diggin me. Now, that's not all that new. I tend to be oblivious in the ways of women, obviously. But, at least I used to have proper reasoning to delude myself into that dream would be a reality soon. ?Over the last couple years, I've had a couple such situations. But now.. nothing. Not even a little thing. No Thing.

Now yes, if I got out more, blah blah. So, what exactly does a guy who rarely drinks, doesn't fit into a "bar/club scene" and doesn't even drink coffee supposed to do? Should I just give in, and change that? Why? for someone who probably won't appreciate me as much as I should be? Fuck that. Just stay alone, without knowing the touch, caress of someone who truly cares about me? I'm not so sure that's really a choice, but, I choose no on that.

So, what the hell? When you use over a year of time, energy, and thousands of dollars in money you shouldn't have on someone you think to be a relatively sure thing... what real motivation do I have to try to start that new, with someone you have no connection with (yet)?

It's a conundrum.

New Years Resolution... in August

2009-08-22T16:50:00.000-07:00

So.. I've been thinking a bunch lately. About life, love, work, everything. At the beginning of this year, I started looking to move out, only to find that I really can't afford to live on my own out here. To find a place, one bedroom, in the LA area under $750 a month is a great find. Most are close to $1000 a month. Well, bad thing is, I average near $1100 a month. Yeah, it blows hard.

So, I'm going to start looking (although I've found an area I'm quickly falling in love with) at areas, prices, and all that again. But, the difference this time? It may not be in the area anymore. Read below for reasons why I've stayed. I have a couple good friends... great friends.. that I never want to lose. But, at the end of the day... I may have to sacrifice everything to try and be happy. I really hope it doesn't come to that... as I've put a lot of time and effort into getting the one thing I want most in life. but, if I am denied that, I dunno if I can stay. Maybe I could leave, then come back later... I'm not sure. I wouldn't plan it that way anyway.

Karma

2009-08-16T16:24:00.000-07:00

You know.. people tell me.. A LOT, that a reason a lot of bad happens to me, is because I think negatively. Which, OK, granted, I don't say it's stupid, because it's just as logical as anything could be. Here's the thing though. At what point do you just smile at everything bad? I've gone through times where things were good, only to have something major happen. Car breaking down / destroyed. Being dumped, having to switch jobs. Whatever it may be.

Sometimes... most times, it's hard to find a smile, when you can barely find a reason to go on anymore. No?

How Soon is Now?

2009-08-13T13:21:00.001-07:00

So... this coming Tuesday I go to see a therapist for the first time ever. This is hopefully good, and, also makes me nervous.

I'm a relatively smart guy, and I know I have issues. On top of that, I know what 90% of them are, and where they stem from. The only thing I've yet to figure out. is how to move passed them, and not let them effect my future.

Not the only major thing in my life that may change, but, let whatever may come, come.

Soon....

2009-08-12T13:17:00.000-07:00

Well, I figure there will be a huge life change in the next few days/week. I can already feel it... maybe it's the paranoia. But, yeah. I'm not looking forward to it.

The Golden Rule, The Broken Mold

2009-08-08T17:29:00.000-07:00

The Golden Rule. We've all heard of it, some people follow it to the T, some follow to some extent, and some completely disregard it.

So, for the most part, I live my life by it. Not on purpose, so to speak, but, if I don't care about you, I won't bother. No one, in my world, is given respect "just because" Everyone can be considered an idiot, just because though. Most times, people will earn the idiot label way before, if ever, earning another.

So, for many of whom I consider a friend, I will go very far out of my way to do what I can to help them, cheer them up, whatever.

Whether it be lending you my last $10, taking you to a movie when you've had a bad day, or, just being there. It's what I do.. and, it's what can make me your most awesome friend.. at times.

Here's the pain though. While a couple of the friends I do have, have done stuff for me... it seems like, on the cosmic scales, I'm way ahead, and not seeming to be getting mine.

Whether it be that work just really blows, and seems pointless right now, to my love life, if you can call it that, basically being dead. Family life is probably the most depressing of all. I really just have a triple threat of crap. No matter how hard I try to improve things, there' always at lerast one thing that is completely out of my control that just mucks up the whole thing.

To Dream the Impossible Dream

2009-07-28T15:22:00.000-07:00

Something that has always been in the back of my mind, popping up to say hi every so often, is something I don't know if I ever could do.

Have you ever seen, maybe an older TV show, a movie, something where it'll usually be a father son, or family trip perhaps, where they're driving somewhere, and stop at one of those quaint little diners, with the little slice of Americana type of people, in that type of town?

I want to find one of those. Maybe even to the extent of take a road trip.

I don't think that can happen for me, not without having a devastating effect on the rest of my life.

Whether it be lack of money, a car that won't make it, or, just whatever the life toll of the month is at the time... it just seems less, and less likely this will ever be.

It seems that the only possibility of that, would to have the family road trip. But, then, I need kids for that, and, to have kids, someone has to love me, and not be afraid of physicality. Yes, I know you can have kids without those, but, I won't.

You Win Some... You Lose Some?

2009-07-27T19:42:00.000-07:00

So, interesting weekend. One thing after another combined to show me that at least some people aren't completely horrible in life. I still have my caution though, naturally.

Between being offered a ride to, and from work all week, if I need it, to actually having two different rides available after work today was very alien to me. Count in having my supervisor buy me lunch three times in the last week, twice coming this passed weekend. It's been very odd.

But, I can't help but feel a bit worried about the possibility of love in my life right now. I'm getting the feeling that what I have now, is as much as is wanted from me. I hope I'm wrong, but, I just can't help but feel that she wants everything you'd get from a boyfriend, minus the physical stuff, and, not being able to keep an eye out for prospects.

Who knows, I'm sure it's just cause I have too much time to think about everything, combined with the fact that I can't tell if this is a "leave the space, and wait" or "make the move already" situation. Who the hell can figure that shit out, right?

A Cautionary Tale of Numero Dos

2009-07-24T09:30:00.001-07:00

So, here I am again. Million thoughts on my mind, but nothing profound to say.

At what point do you stop fighting for/to get something? Say it's something you really want. Whether it be a certain job, new car, what have you. Something that is always on your fingertips, but, just seems impossible to grasp. You get to a point to where you feel you've done everything within your ability to attain it, but, it still eludes you.

Do you just give up? I mean, what else can I do? I've tried so hard that it's probably backfired on me anyway. I mean, why give up more to me, when you can have pretty much everything in a relationship you want, without having to give up certain things. Am I right? Or just very confusing?

Do I just make a bold move/statement? Do I just sit back and keep waiting? Ugh.

The Pains of Management Organization

2009-07-18T19:19:00.000-07:00

So, again, here I be.

So, I found out that now I have to wait until Monday, for work, where I'll have yet another interview, from yet ANOTHER person for the musical instruments department.

Whether I get it or not, this sort of emphasizes my biggest complaint. Our store is relocating about two blocks away (we'll be a part of the nearby mall now, as opposed to a seperate building) now, the musical department is brand new to our store. But, we open the new store August 7. Three weeks from yesterday.

So, most of us will be interviewed by the supervisor on Monday, some on Tuesday I'm imagining. So, decision by Friday, ish? So, any learning, and orientation with any new systems (like setting up lessons and whatnot) will have to be learned in the two weeks after. Mind you, while we try to get stuff ready to move to the new store.

It's retared, to say the least.

Just a random rant I felt like putting down.... Until next we meet.

I'm Under Your Spell

2009-07-14T21:54:00.000-07:00

So, here's my first. No real reason to make up one of these. Hell, I could do this on myspace.. facebook, wherever. I just think, if someone spends the time to actually go here to see this, then it means something to me, at the very least.

So, rough week, yeah, as always. Most anyone who reads this will already know, but, hey, for posterity, right?

So, this Thursday, after work most likely I'll be going up to look into getting a "new" car. I have no money to do so, but, first, I'm gonna see if they can even finance me. From there, I'll talk trade in value on my current car, and see what's what. Prices at this place don't seem too bad, it'll be harder. Since I never seem to have money, to add another couple hundred in bills seems ridiculous... but, I know where my money goes....

Firstly, I don't count the bills, gas, stuff like that. No matter what, I'll be paying those. But, my biggest drains of money are food, naturally and my attempt at wooing the girl.

She says I don't have to do such things for her, which I do appreciate, and understand. But, on the flip side, if I do nothing, am I not just passively admitting defeat, or, just not trying, and letting another guy possibly slip in and take all I've worked for for so long? Not saying she's the kind of person who would leave me hanging on until she finds "something better" I've never thought that of her. But still, you know how it can be.

On another topic, that can be tied in, somewhat... my mom. Living with her is starting to depress me more and more every week. Just to see how pathetic a life she/we now have because she didn't even think, once, apparently, to plan for her future. I don't expect her to pay for me, in fact, with only a few exceptions, I've been paying most of my way for a while here.

Before my grandma died, we all lived rent free, because she, and my grandfather thought ahead, worked hard, and provided. My mom? not so much.

I'm all for helping out, where helping out is needed. But, yesterday, she came in my room, as she's doing way too fucking much, and asked if I had a couple dollars. I did have a single one on me, and maybe something in change, but, honestly, I had $20 to last until Friday at the time, combined. So, I never asked what she wanted, but, I'd assume cigarettes. Cause, you know, food? Beverage? Bills? nah, those are far more important that stupid vices.

To top it off, this morning, our first interaction, she tells me she took one of my cup o'noodles from my cabinet. Mind you, she didn't wait to ask me... which I'd almost always say OK, unless something was already planned. But, this is exactly why I've never left anything of mine outside my room, she knows this, and didn't give a shit, because she wanted soup, which she did not have, as opposed to a sandwich, eggs, etc, which she DOES have.

This is what has led me to be very bitter towards people in general. The constant lack of respect for me as a person, and my property as a whole. It truly makes me feel like I'm not a person, I have no feelings. I'm just something that has money, or material for others to take at their own whim.

So, the tie in? If I go get that car, with the more I'll be paying in bills, it'll be hard, if not completely impossible to move out, at any time, in the next couple years, if I stay at my current job, and current shit wages.

On the other hand, I can't not have a car. If I keep the money, and move out, I'll need transportation, not to mention, in the time I'm saving, I'll be completely stuck in this insipid house.

Of the two, I'd rather get the car now. I'm being very realistic in this. I'm not saying "I am getting a car this week/next week" but, I am actively looking, with intent to purchase, if possible. I was burned once, and I won't ever buy a car from some person off the street again.... just because I never trust the not knowing when the last time anything was serviced.

I think I'm done for now. Until next time....